Can’t stop doubting if it was rape

[Hopingforabetter2023]

Hi everyone

i know this is going to sound silly. But I know my ex partner raped me a number of times yet I still can’t believe it. Is it because it’s just too awful to think someone who was meant to love you can do that to you?
Is it because I don’t want to believe it because that means coming to terms with the damage?

or is it even though I said no repeatedly that I didn’t scream or fight him because I was terrified as I was pregnant and in terrible pain from (detail removed by moderator) so extra vulnerable  or my (detail removed by moderator) that I think it doesn’t count.
that I gave up saying no and just let him do what he wanted? But I never said yes. I wasn’t giving consent because he wouldn’t listen and didn’t care. He expected it when he wanted regardless I could roll over pull the duvet up and try and sleep and he would pull the covers off me and roll me over onto my front or back or attack from the side.

i even ended up pretending to enjoy it while feeling like I was outside of my body or trying to please him and make him finish/*** quicker

Or offering a ** to try and avoid sex.

all because I was scared he would really hurt or even kill me or my children

please tell me if this is rape or am I mad

it’s like he’s brainwashed me and I feel like I’ve dreamt it

 

[DesperateHousewife101]

I am so sorry this happened to you.

Yes this is rape.
He put you in such a vulnerable position and he scared you. That is never ok.

I’m so glad you got out.

[Hereforhelp]

Sadly yes, he has raped you.  We often think of rape as screaming no.and pushing the man off etc..

 

You said no, he continued.  My ex husband raped me, I didn’t know at the time, he would also coerce me or become so aggressively moody that I would concede to what he wanted..so as to keep his scary mood away from my children.

It took me some time to accept what he had done to me.  There was a lot of SA.  I couldn’t quite believe it at the time as it was just so awful to accept, along with the other things he did… I am some years put now and have no contact.  I was with him.for half my life.

When I was asked, by a friend who I had confided in, she asked me

“If your daughter experienced the same from a man, what would you call that”

… wow! That was it. like a sledgehammer.

Hugs 🫂

 

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