Changing mindset

[Everhopeful321]

I read lots of posts in here and can relate to so much but I know I still don’t admit to myself that my husband is abusive in the way he controls me and the way our relationship feels so unequal and the way I feel I have no voice and am scared to speak up, have any opinion or make decisions.

I also have come to realise that I’m still here because our work is our home, whilst I’m not legally named on anything, I feel a huge sense of responsibility for the huge amount of day to day work that has to be done (detail removed by Moderator) and the borrowed money/running costs of the business. I’m also still here because he mentally gets very stressed about these issues and frequently appears to not be coping (when he becomes the most angry and controlling).

By leaving I’m scared that he won’t cope, become more depressed, he’s threatened suicide before, and that he won’t function day to day meaning the whole business won’t function with huge financial repercussions.

Am I wrong to want to change my mindset to not feel responsible for him and the business? I gave up my job to look after the children and help him but I feel all I do is help him, work for him. It’s not even about feeling appreciated it’s just that I have no say in anything and nothing is ever enough, let alone good enough.

I’m not sure if that makes sense but I just can’t see a way out

[nbumblebee]

No. No no no.
You are not wrong. You are not responcible for him and his life his ways he does what he does to you he chooses to hurt you thats his choice.
Changing your mindset is huge.
Believeing in yourself telling yourself out loud you can do this and that you do deserve better is huge and makes a difference even if you dont believe it tell yourself keep telling yourself and one day it will sink in.
Ive been reading the secret its all about the law of attraction and what you believe the world conspires and achieves that. Now ive had a s****y old life at times we all have and im not sure i believe in it all but im trying little by little to change my mindset to “I can” instead of “he says i cant”. College, work it all helps. I couldve wrote your post and get just how b****y hard it all is. I still cant see it as abuse i honestly cant and thats what stops me from getting help.
Dont let that be you too.
Think about what you want not him just you, You what do you really want? Then see yourself with it/doing it and believe you will. Start small then get bigger and bolder.
Maybe reach out for support so you arent alone.
And remember he chooses to be this way its all on him not you.
Stay safe xxxxx

[Everhopeful321]

Thank you. It’s like I just make excuses for it all the time, he’s tired, stressed, if I do this this and this it will make it easier and he won’t feel like that. And what I really worry about is that I now feel like I HAVE to do all this to be of any value, to be worth anything, it’s like I beat myself up if I haven’t done everything I feel I should do – I do to myself what he does!!

I don’t see people or do things because I know if I agree, the end result will be me making excuses not to because he’s being hard work or horrible about it. So I’ve gradually lost contact with people, I don’t get asked to do things and if I am, I make an excuse not to. And then he’ll say why aren’t you going to such and such, I wouldn’t have minded….I feel like I’m going mad with it all!

And then there are good days and I feel like I’m just being dramatic, over sensitive.

The thing about doing what I want – it’s like I don’t even know anymore and to think of doing what I want seems like I’m being selfish. But that’s not true is it, that’s just what I’ve come to believe from the way things have been. Yet I’m running around after someone who is exactly that but I do it because I think it will make life better!

Sorry, I have no one I can talk to but the more I read, the more I can start to see things.

[nbumblebee]

Dont apologise.
I hear every single word you say yep its me too here im afraid all of what you said all of it.
Mine never allowed me to work unless i was with him in case i went off having sex and flirting.
During covid i volunteered and this has led to a little job i love he tries to stop me everyday finsing jobs calling me names shouting at me to quit but i wont not this time. Ive been here so long i dont knkw who i am or what i want i lie to him about where i am as i see a counsellor now i lie to friends i lie to myself its hard isnt it? If i ever want to go out at night which i hardle ever do i have to ask permission then do something for him so he “allows” me to go!!!!
I also have good days.
See a pattern here? Its what they do sweetie not us them and the only way to get through this is to try and find a little bit of you just a little bit then that will grow and grow.
I see it as a brick wall built up around me, little by little i take out one brick, work, college, a friendship tiny steps tiny pieces of bricks. Until one day that wall will come down either i will smash it or it will fall. What happens then I dont know but I do know it will be good. You will find a way your way you will. Keep talking on here but also outside confide in womans aid a gp or someone you trust you cant do this alone.
Stay safe xxxxx

[little-miss-sunshine]

Hi Everhopeful321,

What you’ve said sounds really familiar unfortunately. I have a big problem with feeling like I’m hurting him by leaving, or wondering what he would do without me there.

Changing the way we think about the situation would really help us, but it’s easier said than done. I was reading about trauma bonding and realised he has done that. Not sure if you know about it, but I think it’s a big reason my brain won’t let go!

I really feel for you, it’s a horrible situation. I keep trying to get away but it’s almost like one of those dreams where you’re trying to run somewhere and nothing’s happening. I wish it was all a bad dream.

Hope you’re ok and safe xx

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