Changing the locks and thereafter.

[backtome]

So, I think I’m just going to pick a date, change the locks then text him not to come back. I’m hoping to arrange for him to get his stuff through family or friends. It’s my house (mortgage) and I bought it before we were together. so, that all would be ok, scary but do able. The thing I’m not sure about is contact with our daughter. id rather not have contact with him myself but obviously will have to for him to see her. She adores him and I want to make sure she can still see him but I’m just not sure of the practicalities as he’ll be homeless and I’d rather not have him in my house as I’ve tried that before and that’s how I’ve ended up with him living here again and my life being put on hold again.

I just don’t know how to go about all this without it breaking my daughter’s heart

[KIP.]

Is there a third party you can drop her off with and he can collect and drop her back. Maybe his mother? I would get some legal advice first. Get something legally. I’ve heard of fathers that legally just refuse to return the child. Please get something in place so that you have backup if he refuses to return her. Never ever underestimate these men. Get rid of his stuff asap to one of his friends or family. He’s not your responsibility. He can look after himself. He’s an adult. Don’t listen to a word he says x

[backtome]

Oh God I didnt think of that. Also just thought there’s nothing to stop him just turning up when she starts school.

He doesn’t get one with his mum they’ve fallen out fairly recently and (not surprisingly) he doesn’t have any friends. He also has no job.

[Confused123]

hey hun

u can make an application for residency that child stays with u through solicitiors, get advice if u can make application on your own to court maybe, also keep contact supervised to begin with a family u can trust then gradually build up to alone, i suggested meet up was at mcdonalds

[Copperflame]

Hi backtohome

I would definitely see a solicitor about him having contact with your little girl. You can apply to the Family Courts for a Child Arrangements Order incorporating a residence order for you, a defined contact order for him and a prohibited steps order to stop him abducting her. Unfortunately, because he’s the dad and has parental responsibility it isn’t actually illegal for him to snatch her without such an order in place. However a prohibited steps order will define what he is and isn’t allowed to do. If he was to snatch her with a PSO in force you could then involve the police in getting her back.

Depending on your income you might be able to qualify for legal aid because of the DV. Alternatively, you can download the forms from the HMCTS website and make the application yourself, as many people represent themselves in Family Court these days.

As KIP says, never underestimate what these men can get up to when they start losing control. Hell hath no fury than an abuser scorned!

Copperflame xx

[backtome]

Thanks Confused and Copperflame, I definitely need to get something in place, I did speak to a solicitor once before but she just said not to rock the boat until something actually happens and that I’d have to go to mediation anyway. Maybe I should try a different solicitor? x

[Copperflame]

Hi backtohome,

It probably is better not to rock the boat until you have decided for definite when to change the locks, but you don’t have to attend mediation as you will be exempt because of the DV. You also have the right to refuse mediation if you are pressurised into it. Mediation isn’t compulsory and no one can make you go. Nor will it go against you in Family Court if you refuse because of the DV.

Your local DV service will usually be able to recommend a good family law solicitor with expertise in DV, so it could be worth speaking to them. The solicitor who my local DV service recommends is known for being an out and out Rottweiler who tolerates no nonsense from abusive men and who firmly fights the woman’s case.
Xx

[backtome]

Yeah I agreed with her about not rocking the boat. I’m going to wait until it’s all definite and done and get some advice about what might happen if it does end up in needing a court situation.

I really hope it doesn’t as I am not very strong in front of other people and I feel like some of the ‘DV’ isn’t even really that as it’s never been physical and its all just based around him sulking/shouting when things aren’t going his way. e.g. if i want to see a friend or visit family etc. So I’m always doubting myself.

I need a solicitor like the one at your local DV service I think, maybe they can shake me up a bit. I’ll try to find my local one and contact them I think.

Thanks again for replying. x

[Tiffany]

Backtome,
I used to be an overconfident outgoing woman. DV reduced me to a wreck who doubted all relationships apart ironically from the one I had with my abuser. I’ve been out less than a year and already I am starting to regain some of my confidence with other people. You might be amazed at how strong you become even in your own eyes, once you escape the influences of abuse and gaslighting. Of course unfortunately you have to get out, which is the hardest part, first, but you are working on a plan and you can do this.

[backtome]

Thanks Tiffany, I’m working my way up to it slowly. I think in some ways it’d be easier if it wasn’t my house and I could just leave in the middle of the night, but I know that once the getting out is over I’d be stuck looking for accommodation. At least the house is mine and once he’s out I’ve still got somewhere to live.

I just need to ignore the times when he’s being nice to me and our daughter, as it’s those times i start to feel guilty for planning to make him homeless and affect my daughter’s relationship with him. My mum keeps telling me it’s not my fault he’ll be homeless and that he’s a leech etc (he’s got no job or friends and he’s not close to his family).

I’ve got a day off work coming up that he doesn’t know about so I’m hoping to go and see someone at the local women’s aid place to get more advice etc. as I’m still worried over the affect on my daughter etc.

[Tiffany]

I would be more worried about the effects of living with domestic abuse will have on her. My ex came from an abusive background (not that most kids with abusive backgrounds will become abusers), but it had definitely affected all of his siblings in different ways. I think it definitely risks them viewing that kind of behaviour as normal at the very least, and increases their chances of being abused by future partners, not to mention the risk of him starting to act in an abusive way towards her. I actually had another boyfriend with an abusive father, but whose mother had left when he was young. He still saw his father and had a very dysfunctional relationship with him, but he and his siblings generally had good functional relationships with other people and the rest of their family. The same cannot be said for the family of my abusive ex – all of who were still subject to some extent to abuse from his father.

I can’t imagine how hard it must be with him being in your house. It was bad enough for me with a flat which was rented in my name. I hope the DV people are able to help you. You really are doing the right thing. It will be easier once you get away from him and can get out of the fog.
All the best, Tiffany

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