Child contact arrangements

[Starmoon]

So, my eldest daughter isn’t biologically his. She knows this even though he’s been around since she was a toddler. It’s only this year that he’s started upping his game in having contact with the children.. though previously, even though he was c**p- he still saw both children. Now my eldest is adamant every week that she doesn’t want to go to his, she will cry, get upset and anxious about it, but then when she comes home she’s always had a brilliant time. I’ve told her that she doesn’t have to always go because she’s getting older now and knows her own mind. She’s also started talking a lot about how he isn’t actually her dad.. I’ve also always been really open with her about what’s gone on and she’s not stupid either, when he’s dumped one girlfriend and bought another one in a few days later… and also she witnessed him leaving me (pregnant at the time) and then introduced another woman a few weeks later.. plus seeing that he came back to me during lockdown and then dumped me. I can’t hide all of that from her. She’s seen it all and I haven’t lied to her to protect him, because why should I. I’ve tried to explain in the most age appropriate way I can, that the way he’s treated his girlfriends isn’t fair… because I don’t want her growing up believing that’s how relationships work. So all of this must’ve had an effect on her opinion of him. She’s fine going on fun days out with him where there’s lots of distractions but she doesn’t like being there when they are just at his. Because he’s not biologically her dad, I’m torn over wether I should force her to go or not. My youngest daughter (biologically his) is adamant that if her sister doesn’t go then she doesn’t want to either. She wasn’t old enough to understand anything that went on when he kept walking out and leaving us, and wasn’t old enough to understand or possibly even remember his other relationships before the one he’s got now… and obviously I don’t bad mouth him to her.. but if she asked then I wouldn’t lie. Anyway, I’ve tried to explain to him that my eldest doesn’t want to come and he’s replied saying he’s confused because she has fun when she’s there.. and that he wants to meet up in the park and show her that ‘we’re’ on the same page! But we’re not. If he’s truly the abuser that I’ve been lead to believe he is, he’s currently in the honey moon faze with his new partner and going above and beyond to be the perfect dad.. where as previously he couldn’t have cared less. Have I really got to meet him and pretend that I believe he’s this amazing dad and try and convince my child to go there??

[Lisa]

Hi Starmoon,

I am sorry to hear how child contact struggles are ongoing for you. As you have said your daughter has witnessed how he has behaved and as she is getting older she is making her own mind up about whether she wants him in her life. Did you decide to meet him?

Let us know how you are when you can.

Best wishes,

Lisa

[Starmoon]

Thank you for replying Lisa. I didn’t know how to respond to him initially but told him there was no need to meet as she knows her own mind. I’ve said she doesn’t want to go every week and doesn’t want to sleep over for all of the nights that he pushed for. I told him from the start it was too much too soon. I’ve suggested he slowly builds up his relationship with his biological daughter without her sister there as she doesn’t want to go without her sister. He hasn’t bothered to get back to me so I’m not looking forward to what he says when he eventually does

[Author]

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