Child opened up to me

[velvet-ribbon]

Hi,
I wondered if anyone could advise me please, as my child opened up to me about their feelings about how things are at home. We were alone at the time and I haven’t spoken to anyone about it. I’m worried that I said the wrong thing or too much and have unintentionally impacted their relationship with their father.
They have been having problems with friendships and told me that conflict between friends has been triggering for them, although they did not use that word. They went on to explain that they get scared when their father/my husband raises his voice at me. I made the mistake at this point of getting upset and told them that it scares me too. I explained I was feeling sad that they were sad, to explain the crying. They asked whether I loved their father and I felt I had to say I did. I told them that whatever happened we would always love them and none of it was their fault or their responsibility. I also said some arguing was normal between people but that some wasn’t and that a lot of ours wasn’t. I didn’t want to normalise the situation. My older other child independently said on a different occasion that they think my husband is a n********t, I asked them why they thought that but I didn’t express an opinion myself.
I suggested therapy as an option for the first child in question, and I don’t know if that was inappropriate. I just thought maybe it would be good for them to confide in someone impartial, and I’m worried I might have disclosed too much. Even though after the chat they seem a lot happier, I’m still worried about what I’ve done.

[Eggshells]

Hi Velvet-ribbon

It sounds to me like you had a very honest chat with your child. From what you have said, I personally feel that you dealt with it brilliantly.

Therapy is a good idea but please try to make it clear that your child can continue to talk to you too.

It is really difficult to talk to your children about these things and not influence them and the way they feel about their father but it sounds to me like you got it just right!

Big hugs my lovely. xx

[velvet-ribbon]

Hi Eggshells,

Thank you very much for replying. That’s reassuring to hear, that you think I dealt with this well. I will certainly let my child know that they can talk to me anytime. I did tell them I was very grateful that they had spoken to me.
They said they would think about the therapy. They also think they have been dissociating (quite surprised they knew what that was) so I was concerned about that as it is something I do.

[Bananaboat]

I agree, I think you handled it really well. We want to appear like super heroes to our kids, protect them from everything but they see, they feel and a touch of honesty actually goes a long way. The fact they can open up to you shows a good relationship with them. Hang in there, it hurts like hell knowing your kids are hurt/scared but it’ll make you stronger too x

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Velvet-ribbon

Well done handling that so well. I don’t see you getting upset as a mistake. Not at all. You were very emotionally honest with them, and don’t rush to protect him, its good that you say its not normal, and it is scary.

Its for them to decide if they are still ok with him, and its also reasonable to say you are finding it hard to love someone when they treat you this way, this will be a good model for them understanding their feelings, as children naturally feel they are supposed to love their parents, but they can also hate them at the same time, as attachment gets confused for love.

I hope you all keep talking to each other, and I would think from what you have said that they are old enough to have been studying too hard on the internet, diagnosing their father as a narc. They need to know there’s no label its just abuse, and wrong. They should be discouraged from trying to label him this way as it is incorrect, internet nonsense. Books for their age can help them, and they may prefer to know that its going to stop rather than be expected to recover from it during therapy as they shouldn’t really be getting therapy whilst they are not safe, they need to feel safe first and foremost, and a lot of the troubles will resolve naturally.

warmest wishes

ts

[velvet-ribbon]

Thank you, Bananaboat and Twisted Sister for your thoughts and encouragement, I really appreciate it.

Unfortunately I am unable to leave this situation at the moment and he will not leave. The older child is legally an adult now and (detail removed by Moderator) so the younger one and I will just have to find a way to manage.

[Lottieblue]

Hi @velvet ribbon

I often ask myself the same question. All my kids are now legally adults, but my youngest always had a horrible relationship with his father. When he came crying to me, telling me he hated him, I used to tell him I understood. I figured I had the choice of him feeling that I agreed with him or him feeling that I disagreed with him. For a start I didn’t see why I should protect my husband, who was vile, but for a second I didn’t want my “baby” to feel that he didn’t have me there to support and protect him.

It’s funny, while I do question how right I was to tell him that I struggled with his father’s behaviour too, I’m glad I did it, because of all my kids he has been the one with the most clarity since I left – why I did it and how he wants his relationship with his father to be. He calls the shots now, my son.

[nbumblebee]

Wow well done you handled that so well. I am in a very similar situation to you. I have 3 (detail removed by Moderator). We use humour to talk about things they are open and honest but we make light of the way he shouts and moans mostly out of his earshot but if he hears he hates it but the children seem to be more comfortable with it this way. I have never said how scared i am or how upset i get I have gotten so good at pretending and hiding that from them but I also know that sometimes they see they hear. They all struggle with anxiety and i will always always blame myself for still being here like you i cant and wont leave i am just finding my way to live a life along side him. Its not easy not easy at all but its my kids that keep me going my reason to fight on, i like you have a good open realtionship with them and although they love their dad its something their dad will never have with them. What you did was amazing all we can do is to keep getting up keep trying to figure a way through this as best as we can that protects those that we love but in all that dont forget you dont forget to do whats right for you too.
Ducks in a row is something you will hear and read often i didnt get it I never thought i needed too but I do and you do.
Start small. I started with volunteering getting out the house that led to a job, have to say he hates and i fight i fight every day to just go to work but I go, that led to a college course,again he hates and i often have to study in my car also I found new friendships. With a job I was able to set up a private bank account and now slowly little by little i am saving some pennies a just in case fund thats as far as ive got in nearly (detail removed by Moderator) so slowly and carefully little by little.
You got this. Stay safe stay strong x

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