Childcare and that thing

[Anon321123]

I split from my abusive partner before (detail removed by moderator) and despite a few slips conversation wise I’m not going back there. Ever.
However we have 2 kids who mostly live with me and my parents who help me with childcare ALOT. That thing that I was married to for over (detail removed by moderator) has had the kids overnight twice (detail removed by moderator) and is still trying to control what I do. He will only have them if I’m working while he has them. He says he will have them and then when he finds out it’s my day off he says no or he wants them for an hour. Which would mean id drop them off go home for 10 minutes and then set off back to get them.
What do I do? I want him to see the kids, or more importantly I want them to see him and I want him to step up and take some responsibility. Or if not pay me something towards them. I know about the CSA and it’s on my list. Can we go to court for a child order thing without having to do the whole divorce thing yet? I’m not ready to fight that fight just yet.

[Lisa]

Hello Anon321123,

I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through. It seems like your ex does not want to facilitate you having a life outside of work and childcare, which sounds like a continuation of the abuse we experience within the relationship and is so controlling. This must be very frustrating for you.

It could be really helpful to access some legal advice around your rights in terms of contact. The Rights of Women have a free family law advice line. You can find the details here: https://rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/family-law/

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Anon321123

well done for getting away from him, but as you have found out the abuse around boundaries persists, and this is indeed just more control.

It shows an attitude of someone who believes he is babysitting, not actually shouldering joint responsibility for his children. If he were any sort of father he would actively seek shared parenting with you, in a cooperative way, and his current behaviour (and previous) has shown you that he is still the abuser, and even more so now he has more control of the children to use them like pawns to make you dance to his tune.

Its concerning that he ‘finds out’ about your activities away from him.

Abusers have no boundaries when it comes to asserting their power and control, this includes the children and makes them poor fathers, at the very least.

If you withhold access to them, but continue to get the support elsewhere instead, like your parents, so that you can go out and have your own time too, you could deny access to him. As he’s not actually showing you that he wants access. Leave it to the children to see what they do rather than pushing the narrative that they should be with him/him be with them. They need to decide, and court will be asking for their needs/wants/wishes if it comes to that.

I wouldn’t pesonally make opportunities for him, he is reliant up on you doing that so that he can exploit it. Instead, wait and see what comes, if anything. If he wants to put an order in place he can make an application to the court himself, and an order can be made separately, afaik. You could phone your local family courts and ask the team there. Also the RoW as already recommended, but you’ll have to be persistent in trying to get through it can take a long time as they are few, and busy.

Do keep posting and prioritise yourself now that you are free!

warmest wishes

ts

[Anon321123]

Thank you so much. I will contact the RoW (detail removed by moderator) and get some advice. What you say makes complete sense and now that I’m out I can see the signs. I’ve put in an application to the CSA (detail removed by moderator) which he’s gonna massively kick off about. But I’m ready for the fight now.
It hard because the kids want to see him but they are generally calmer without him here. I’m just gonna ignore him and see if he actually fights for them. (I can’t see it though, he has an elder daughter that he ignored for (detail removed by moderator) years).

[Mellow]

You can’t force him to have a relationship hun but you can tell him if things don’t change you will use other methods like court order for when he sees them then he will have to stick to those days times

[Author]

Posts