Childhood Emotional Neglect

[Camel]

I’ve done a lot of reading around Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) and found it really useful in explaining how I’ve been susceptible to abusive relationships.

CEN describes the absence of things critical for a child’s emotional development. For me it was a real eye opener. I realised that I had never developed a sense of self and always sought validation from others. I always felt on the outside, lonely, inferior, a fraud. I grapple with social anxiety. I’ve always been in awe of people who know what they want in life. CEN explains why I’d go cold if I was asked to talk about myself.

I’ve found it liberating to label these feelings. I’ve never felt comfortable at parties, for example, and generally drank too much in an attempt to feel ‘normal’. Now I’m kind to myself. I go to parties but leave without apology if I start to feel edgy. I’ve stopped apologising altogether actually. And started to say no to things. And stopped being the ‘good listener’ unless I know I’ll get my turn to open up. And stopped with all the exhausting effort to make things special for other people. You know what I mean – the perfect gift for the parent who always writes you a cheque. Or always being the organiser or the one who’s so busy making sure that everyone else is OK that she forgets to enjoy herself.

I’m slowly accepting that my anxieties are not real ‘things’ with weight and substance to bury me. It’s a work in progress. (Even reading back my comments I’m fighting with a nagging voice accusing me of being selfish!) I’ve been honest with people close to me and revealed some long-held anxieties. And guess what? The sky didn’t come crashing down on me.

CEN won’t apply to everyone, I get that, but I feel so much stronger now that I want to share. x

[BeautyMarked]

This is really positive Camel. I’m glad you have been able to find some context for the things that have happened and it has helped you to move forward and empower you in living your best life.

[lover of no contact]

Thanks for sharing that camel. I can relate. I know the feeling of being selfish when tending to our own needs as well as others and loving ourselves first. I’m getting better at it; at living myself first; and the feeling selfish feelings when doing this are getting less. And your post has helped me even more because I can identify.

I too exhaust my time, my energy and finances looking for the perfect gifts. And then I feel they aren’t good enough. I struggle with this at Christmas and birthdays. It’s good to know we don’t have to. We can always keep it simple.

I like what you say we don’t always have to be the good listener. It’s so freeing. Especially when it’s an abuser having a rant or giving us one of their lectures lol.

It’s so freeing to know we can leave the party early; no apology.. just go. It’s so freeing we can say no. And we don’t have to explain ourselves, justify our “no”. There is a slogan in al-anon “No is a complete sentence”.

Onwards and upwards

[diymum@1]

this has touched me to read and i feel the same. i wasnt really emotionally backed up by my own mother – she couldnt be present emotionally due to quite severe mental illness. i was told by my aunt that my mum would leave me unattended for many hours crying i dont think she realised i probably didnt need to know that. i have a deep compassion for kids going through all off this and especially emotional abuse. i was once that wee girl sitting in her room wondering what the hell was going on doors slamming etc. it unnerved me and i didnt understand i would wet my bed. i always felt the rest off the family felt sorry for me. so yeh thats maybe why we do become people pleasers – ive never really delved into this much because it hurts its probably my deepest hurt. thanks for posting this very brave post xxxx

on thing is for sure – what our parents dont do for us emotionally is the route cause for us struggling with our boundaries. youve come so far!
love diymum

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