Children.

[Amaguq]

Hello, I am new here and this is my first post so I will apologise if I am posting in the wrong place. After spending sometime reading posts on here, I have found myself quite emotional, I seem to be able to identify with every one I have read in someway.

Did they all go to the same school? taught how to abuse?

After a very long time married, I am no longer with him, if it wasn’t for Women’s Aid I wouldn’t be where I am today, they taught me that, what I lived with daily was not ‘normal’ married life, I stupidly thought it was but now I know (still question myself) that I endured, financial, emotional, sexual, physical abuse.
I would like to know if I am the only person who is no longer living with their children? I know this makes me sound like an absolutely terrible Mother but he is a fantastic Father and the children adore him, he is doing more things with them now and most importantly, they are not hearing him shouting daily.
The older children blame me, my eldest refuses to speak to me, he isn’t a fantastic Father, he would encourage my eldest to communicate with me if he was, I know why, he is frightened of me telling my eldest all.
Am I the only one who doesn’t live with their children now? It breaks my heart but I know it is for the best. I can no longer visit, he use to shout terribly, my youngest associated my visits to Daddy shouting 🙁 I text and ring daily.
Thanks for listening.

[lover of no contact]

Hi amaguq,

Welcome to the Forum. Please keep posting. You are in the right place. My ex husband gives the appearance that he is a fantastic father, but he is not. He knows how to present the façade. Putting your children in fear by shouting and stopping (by his shouting) his children seeing their mother is the worst form of cruelty. It is not love. It is abuse. He has orchestrated it that you can only communicate with your children by text or phone. My ex husband too has affected in a negative way my relationship with my eldest daughter by subtly undermining and criticising me.

Your ex is doing what bullies do. He is isolating you. He is isolating you from your children.

You really are in the right place. Keep reading the other ladies’ posts day by day. Knowledge is Power. You will get stronger. You will get the guidance you need to see your children face to face despite him using his shouting and causing an uproar to prevent this.

Keep posting. Your ex is not invincible. I can really relate to your post.

[Amaguq]

Thank you so very much lover of no contact, you speak a lot of sense, you ‘hit the nail on the head’e
He is a bully and an intelligent man, when he started to lose control he became even more manipulative. He knows how much I love my children so he knows by manipulated them, he is hurting me.
I am a big believer that the truth always comes out in the end and I am looking forward to that day.
Thank you for your welcome 🙂

[iamme]

Hello Amaguq,

It must be terrible for you to not see your children face to face. They still love you, but they are probably afraid of their father’s reaction to you. The same way the love their father but don’t like it when he shouts. They maybe afraid themselves as they are living with him and have to deal with his moods after you’re gone.

He is doing it to hurt you. My husband and in laws tried to train my kids from a young age to hate me and disregard me. I found that if I showed him I was annoyed with the kids and sick of looking after them or something, he wouldn’t care about the kids. If I showed them affection in front of him, he would get jealous and try to undermine me and get them to be cruel to me. So I don’t give him the chance to use them to hurt me. It’s how I protected them somewhat from him. One day your kids will see the truth. Breaking the mother child bond is the worst thing an abuser can do because a childs wellbeing stems from this bond. A good father would not do that.

My husband tries to do things with the kids but its all for show. The kids have realised it’s all about him taking pics and posting them on social media to show people how good a father he is.

Have you tried getting help to see your kids without him being there? Ring the helpline and ask about getting contact.

[Amaguq]

Hi Iamme,
Thank you for your reply, again, someone else speaks a lot of sense.
I have tears in my eyes, “Breaking the mother child bond is the worst thing an abuser can do because a childs wellbeing stems from this bond. A good father would not do that.” So very true.
I have told him many times that I want us to be amicable for the children’s sake but he said he can’t because I have told many lies about him, why are we all liars? at Christmas I said I will go and cook Christmas lunch, spend the day with them all (in hindsight, he always ended up shouting even on Christmas day)
He refused. I even said I would move back in because I miss the kids, he got angry and said “where will you eat? where will you sleep?”
I said I would visit when he wasn’t there because him shouting is not good for the kids but whenever I ask he says it is not convenient.
I remain very positive with the children and I have never caused him any reason to shout when I visited.
On a positive note, I played on a skateboard with my youngest (detail removed by Moderator), I live very close by and saw him playing outside so shouted him over 🙂 my second youngest apologised for shouting at me on the telephone when I rang (detail removed by Moderator).

Taking it step by step is all I can do, he’s got my kids, home, pets and the finances and I live and care for my elderly Mum.

Seeing the positive side of life is what keeps me going now, although the dark cloud still appears, it is less frequent 🙂
Thanks again 🙂

[Ayanna]

Why can your children not visit you where you are?
It is close by.
Did you speak to social services?

Ring Rights of Women too. Use their call back function.
Do not let him win so easily.
He should have moved out and you should be where he is.

You need to attend the Freedom Programme and get therapy, so that you become stronger. Then you can fight him and get everything back what has always been yours.

[KIP.]

Welcome. One thing I think you should do is go to court and have court appointed access. He has no right to keep your children. The court may award 50/50 access. Rights for Women offer free legal advice over the phone. You can also get free initial advice from a family solicitor. It’s not upto him to decide when you see your kids. If he breaks a court order he can be arrested. Not sure how old they are but I still think you should get legal advice. My ex actually paid for my son to rent a small flat after my ex was arrested and bailed not to come home. He did this just to spite me and leave me vulnerable and on my own. Of course my son thought this was great but he was far too young to move out but I would have been seen as the bad one had I objected. I don’t see my son anymore as he blames me for his fathers now miserable life even though I’m the one who was abused. I also think he blames me for having to deal,with his father when before I was the one that dealt with him. I’m hoping eventually he realises the lies he’s been told. Until,then I can only back off and let him work it out for himself x

[Confused123]

Hi hUn

I too hate how these men torture us over our kids as they know how important they are, the ladies have given u brill advice and i would second it, these men love to press every wrong button to wind us up, keep m posting on here to reach for support , im sure your kids are fully aware of the game your dad is playing and are just too scared to speak up as we were, he is prob being very manipulative as u know. Keep giving your kids love, even the one that choose to ignore u or blame u, just let them know u r here when they r ready to come they will come to u, i find we have to be the positive one and show our kids this is not a compeition, be consitent in the messasge u give your children, the love of a mum is very powerful , i pray u r reunited with your kids soon, pleases take lega l advice of women of rights to see what u can do

[Amaguq]

Thank you so very much for your kind and wise words.
I am having a bad day today, I spoke to my second youngest child (detail removed by Moderator) (teenager) and she was very rude to me yet again, I remain so calm and ask her not to be rude to me, she rang back and told me that he’s told her to be nice to me and I should say thank you to him, I couldn’t speak for tears.

I am frightened that if I contact professionals, he will get angry and the children will blame me even more.
Home is very close by, they have come here occasionally but because my elderly Mum is not diplomatic and said things she shouldn’t have about him, to them, they would prefer not to visit.
I am the liar (makes me laugh because I despise lies, I lived with a liar for too many years)
Two of my children are young adults, the others are under sixteen.

I am consumed with guilt and feel stuck between a rock and a hard place.
Just having a bad day, tomorrow will be better.
Thanks for listening xx

[Ayanna]

Your kids are obviously well manipulated.
Why should your mother be diplomatic? The truth is good. They will realise this sooner or later.

Have you spoken to your GP about counseling?
You need to become stronger.
This man has obviously broken you over the years.

Do not believe his lies.
Do not allow your kids to be rude to you.

Keep posting! We are on your side!

[lover of no contact]

I had the same with my children, my just teenager would and calling me B***H and screaming in my face how she hated me. My eldest at times would be putting her arm around her abuser dad feeling sorry for him and then cold with me telling me I wasn’t a victim when I was close to tears from his and their behaviour and the verbal, emotional and financial abuse. Another child would be similar but she always apologized after and said ‘its not you mum, I hate myself, our family isn’t normal’. He was alienating them big-time against me.

However, with time those behaviours have stopped. At the time it was so painful to be on the receiving end of the behaviours. Each time I had to say to them in a quiet moment after that it was wrong the way they shouted that at me that the wouldn’t talk to their friends or teachers like that. They didn’t appear to be taking it on board but I think they did hear it and me confronting them with their behaviour did sink in.

Post for support as you are doing. In my case my ex managed to temporarily alienate some of my children from me but thank goodness it wasn’t permanent as I feared at the time it would be.

[Amaguq]

Thank you, I appreciate your words more that you will ever know 🙂
I have told them that a Mother’s love is unconditional and no matter what they say, I will always love them but I am not made of stone.

Counselling helped immensely but I do have my moments when I feel the light at the end of the tunnel is an oncoming train but those feelings fade.

I never speak bad of him to them, they told that I have said nothing but lies about him, my reply “your Dad and I know the truth”

They are hurt and angry, so many times I have said I will go back if that would make them happy but they know it wouldn’t work.

One day, we can all look back on the bad times and we will be able to focus on the current, happy and positive times.

Thanks again, your words really do help xx

[Author]

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