Children and learnt abusive behaviours… doing all I can

[Crazydaisy]

Hello to all, I’m new to here, sadly not new to the topics and the chats I have seen, which in one way makes me feel like I’m not alone and it wasn’t me, but that also, it’s just so sad but yet how odd we have been treated in similar ways… my children and I escaped after a very lengthy full on abusive relationship and after womens aid help, children’s services, therapies, counselling… you name it, unfortunately what we went through still stays with us. We have as everyone does, good and bad days, but even after such a long time and all the help we have had, I can say the after effects on me andmy children are so deeply infringed, I sometimes feel so guilty and helpless. My oldest daughter who anyone would assume would be “tricky or with terrible behaviour” I’m lucky to say is protective, brave, strong and the kindest caring girl, I am so proud of her. She experiences nightmares, no longer bed wetting, and is happy to be free and live how she likes (obviously with the mum rules for safety!), my youngest, a boy, I was pregnant with at the time, did show some after effects, bit skittish with loud noises, unsure of male voices, going through usual toddler stuff but I feel he gets the love and attention and guidance at such a young age that my ex just maybe didn’t. Unfortunately, my middle daughter after all this time very much acts like my ex. This is very hard to deal with and as much as I didn’t want to admit it at first, she certainly knows how to argue like him, twist, manipulate and gaslight to a very fine art… she very much makes the rules, but also breaks them, something we are not allowed to do, and she can be very nasty with her words so very emotionally abusive and physically. I pay for trauma counselling for her, work with the school about her behaviour and a children’s charity via womens aid, that are amazing but still finding the severity of her outbursts so hurtful and shameful, that I do blame myself which is why i try so hard with and for her, but I’m not myself. She’s affecting the house, my son is watching on, she fights with her big sister and of course I’m her emotional and physical punching back. I can’t do anything right for and by her and she’s so very Good at making me think and feel it’s my fault whatever the error was… its like living with a mini version of the ex and in honesty it’s destroying me. I’m doing all I can but question is it enough!? What have you all done that’s extra or please let me know that this behaviour does go away, I’m afraid for her. There has been no contact with the ex for years and it boggles my mind and as a mum I feel I have still failed, he may not be here, but he’s still here through her and its just awful.

[Hazydayz]

Hello and welcome crazydasy. I’m feeling for you. Throughout your time with being supported, did you ever come across the theory of ‘Nature or Nurture”? I fear it could be genetic sometimes, I certy have had cause to apply that to my own problem children, now they aren’t children anymore. The similarities to some of their dads behaviour is so obvious! It’s a battle we can’t win I’m afraid.

[Hazydayz]

My one child’s father was never around her and she still shows examples of his behaviour and towards me.

[Lisa]

Hi Crazydaisy,

Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing with us. I hope you find the forum a safe and supportive place to be with others who understand.

Domestic abuse can have a lasting negative impact on children, even if they do not witness the abuse first-hand. From your post it is clear you are very aware of the impact on your children, and understandably it is upsetting and exhausting for you to see your child behaving this way. The support network you have already created sounds really positive- you are great mum prioritising your children’s wellbeing. There is further information about how to help children on The Survivor’s Handbook which you might find helpful: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/how-can-i-help-my-children/

If you feel like you are in need of some additional support, you could chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service (open every day). They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you. You can access the chat service here: https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/

Do keep posting to let us know how you’re getting on.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[Lifebegins]

Hi Crazydaisy

I just wanted to let you know you are not alone. I had a similar experience with my child but fingers crossed, we have gotten passed it. We think they are too young to remember but they have can very early memories of abusive behaviour even if they haven’t been in that environment for years. My child actually remembers incidents that they witnessed from very early childhood which even I’d forgotten but came back to me when they reminded me, so they are holding a lot in.

I too did as you have done, got support for me and for them, counselling etc – although this was when their behaviour was at its worst. I even had another mother call me one evening when their child had heard my child, when they were online, screaming and shouting and swearing at me in a rage – they were concerned for me and asked did I need any help. I totally understand how you feel as I felt ashamed – it was like being abused all over again and this time there is not an option to leave, as they are your child. I felt triggered, bewildered, in despair and just at a loss to know what to do and I could see their dad’s behaviour in them. Its absolutely dreadful.

There are a few things to bear in mind:

Counselling – is getting everything out, triggering them? Just like us, they are the victims of abuse so will be going through all the stages, denial, anger, etc. I have felt absolute rage at times as part of my recovery but they might just not be equipped to deal with it yet in a healthy manner. So are they taking it out on the person that they know will be there for them, no matter what?

Their age. Maybe they are at an age where other issues are at play i.e. hormones?

Any external factors such as issues with friendships/at school? This can have a massive effect on their behaviour.

Any other conditions? They could be prone to outbursts and getting this identified, addressing it and understanding it, learning how recognise their triggers and manage them, could reap benefits.

Do you talk to your child about the abuse? I didn’t for a very long time as I felt they were too young to be exposed to these sorts of conversations. Over time and with the support of my counsellor, I slowly started to talk to them, answer their questions (this was really hard for me) and they shared that they wanted to talk to me about it for so long and were angry at me because I refused, thinking it was in their best interests. I say this with a caveat that this may not be the right approach for all mothers/children but it was, in the end, for me.

All of these factors I think played a part in my child’s awful behaviour and together were a perfect storm. I still don’t even really know how we got through it except to persevere and keep doing what your doing. You’re getting the help that they need and you also must ensure that you are getting the support you need to support them. Most importantly, you got out of the abusive relationship – think on that you prevented them for continually being exposed to that. I also had an amazing counsellor which got me through along with support from family. Keep talking, communicating and most of all try to remain calm (this is so hard).

The great news is my relationship with my child now is the highlight of my life (which can be miserable at times as I’m still dealing with horrific legal/financial issues with my ex). We have gone from strength to strength and this has been the one good thing that has come out of all this sorry mess. It’s not all hunky dory – they are still a kid and I am still their mum not their pal – but I wouldn’t change a thing.

I hope sharing my experience helps. I remember posting on here a similar post to yours when I felt desperate and it was good to know it wasn’t just me. Sending you a virtual hug xx

[Hazydayz]

Hi Crazydaisy. I owe you an apology! What I wrote wasn’t intended to show you no support, if that’s how it looks? It was my observation of my own grown up children and a scratching of the head? To the psychology theory I was introduced in my psychology class some years ago. I do stand by what I said about seeing and struggling against questioningly… similar bad attitudes sometimes though. And it does feel like a battle with alien species to me. I wish you every success sorting your relationships with your children. ❤️

[nbumblebee]

I think you are so brave to post this its yet another thing I deny but deep down i see it too some days in my adult kids. Im still here and will never forgive myself for not seeing not knowing all these years i feel ive ruined ny kids lives as much as ive tried to shield them we know we cant always I will live with that guilt forever.
I worry so much that they will grow to be like their dad all I can do is hope ive done as nuch as I could to prevent this.
You left and that is a brave amazing and couragous thing to do im sure your children will see that one day. I have no advice nothing useful to say I just wanted you to know you arent alone. All the best xxxxx

[Author]

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