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Hello,
I’m considering to go to refuge I’m a bit scary of it. I have 2 children under 10 and I have no idea how it will effect on them. How does it look like? Will we have just one room and need to share everything? How should I explain these things these changes?
If you have experienced these things please advise me! -
Hi there,
Refuges vary from county to county and depending on which charity funds them, so I believe all of our experiences will vary and there is not one answer. For me, I found refuge a very positive experience that helped me get out of my abusive situation for good – I literally had nowhere else to go. To be honest, without refuge, I doubt my life today would be what it is.
I had my own self contained unit within a secure complex and my son and I had our own bedrooms. There was a creche on site, an outdoor play area for the children, counselling rooms, meeting rooms. My son was very young when we went there so I didn’t tell him anything, he just sort of accepted it was our ‘new home’ for a while, so he adapted very well.
No one was allowed to visit me there and I was not allowed to give the street address out. If someone wanted to post anything to me it was via a PO Box address.
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My refuge experience was also positive. I went into 2 different refuges, both had the same set up. I had my own room but all other facilities were shared. In the first one I had to share a bathroom, but in the 2nd we all had our own private bathrooms. We shared a living room, playroom, garden and kitchen, with allocated fridge/freezer and cupboards and shared utensils. Washing machine and tumble dryer on site. The 1st refuge had a dedicated staff member to help with the children, like a health visitor almost but she specialised in dv.
Both had staff there usually 9-5 5 days a week and were very helpful and supported me with everything.Personally I was very distressed when I first went in, and the staff called the refuge a ‘holiday home’ so my kids didn’t worry too much. They handled it well, particularly as they had toys and other children there too.
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I am in a shared house with my own room, sink and bunk bed, everything else is shared.I have one child. I have only been here for a short amount of time. The kitchen is big and has all the things you need, bathrooms are shared, a laundry room, a living room, a playroom and a garden.
Would have rather a self contained flat as hard to adjust to a shared home. But for the first time for ages I can relax and be myself and not feel so stressed all the time than if I was still living under the same roof with my ex. And my lo who kept having meltdowns probably because of the stress and the fact that daddy was restricting time with mummy, has barely had any now.
I will be honest there has been lots of tears from me just adapting to it, the realisation has hit me but everyone is lovely here and there are support staff who work here during the day. The support network is worth it and even sharing experiences with the other mums. I was worried how my preschooler would cope but I just told lo we are going on an adventure and has adapted well. There are children similar age and so has playmates throughout the day although I try to get us out and about during the day.
You are going to have enough on your mind when you are fleeing so I would just tell your children we are going on an adventure or holiday home for awhile and then when you are safely there you can then choose a time to tell them more. I had a (detail removed by moderator) for my little one and so as I was gathering bits together I asked lo to fill it with fav toys. You might want to do the same with your kids or get them to do a backpack or if you don’t have time to do that, just try and pack a couple of things yourself beforehand. I was put in a hotel room for 3 days where lo played with toys and since we’ve been here hasn’t played with any of them but has enjoyed having 2 of fav cuddly toys here.
I would take towels if you can as I had to purchase mine which is something I couldn’t afford. And don’t forget some treats for you too.
My nearest refugees were full up with no vacant space for at least 4 weeks but I couldn’t wait that long and so I had to move to an area that I wouldn’t have chosen. Don’t get me wrong it is a great location and I am allowed to leave the house for 2-3 days at a time but I wanted to stay a bit closer to my home location as will eventually need to share childcare with the father. At the moment its quite some hike.
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