Children’s behaviour

[Bananaboat]

I’ve been contacted by both my children’s secondary school and nursery this week about issues with their behaviours. Youngest is lashing out and eldest is suffering anxiety. I know living with my ex is a major part of this, I definitely see the differences in their behaviour at home when he’s around and when he isn’t. He won’t care, won’t leave, will twist it onto me if I share. Feeling like a failure even though I know I’m not and WILL get out. Jeez if I feel out of control as an adult how must they feel as kids. Just wondering if anyone has any tips for getting them through this stage?

[Dreamingoffreedom]

My biggest worry is how my situation affects my son and I constantly go round in circles thinking about what is best for him. I’m ashamed of myself to still be there, exposing him to the constant atmosphere. You are not a failure. You love your children and want the best for them. I have no advice apart from show them unconditional love and give them the opportunity to talk through their thoughts and feelings. I am sure you are already doing this.

[Twisted Sister]

Hi bananaboat

Does the school know whats been happening to the children all this time? Are they offering support?

If they are not aware they do need to be, and they can keep a log of behaviours tracking it to times when their father is there.

Does he have to come home? Is it possible for him to live elsewhere for the sake of all your sanities?

As already said, keep communication channels open, and keep your boundaries strong also, but provide plenty of physical outlets for them, like whatever exercise they like, cycling or running, or climbing trees or whatever will help balance their anxiety hormones out with some happy hormones too. Lots of opportunities to really express themselves physically it does help with the pent up anxieties and feelings, as does just being out of doors and free as much as possible.

Ask them about their frustrations and upsets and offer your listening and support, share that its difficult for you all, and ask them what their ideal world looks like, acknowledge how much of that can be achieved and how you can all work together for that.

This is tough time for some teens, and more important than ever that you all hold tight together, and whilst letting them stretch for their independence, knowing that the child is still very much there too that the growing up isn’t all done in one go.

Make sure you get all the breaks you can and quiet time you can too.

warmest wishes

ts

[Gerbil]

Hi Bananaboat
This must be so hard for you.
Are the schools aware of your family situation? If not I think it would be a good idea to tell them and then they can put support in place for them. For the secondary child…you could ask them about Future in Minds ( a part of CAMHS) who work in schools. Most schools have a counselor who may be able to see your child too. A nuture worker could also look at doing some pupil voice work with them.
For your younger child, you could ask nursery to try a calm box which would have various calming and sensory activities in it which they could do if they were dysregulated.
At home,give them as much chance as possible to talk to you individually about any concerns they have.
I think women’s aid and local DA groups also offer support for children.
Take care honey x

[Hereforhelp]

Hey lovely, I contacted both my children’s schools to explain about DA and asked what help/support they have in place. A pastoral carer rang me and they offered my son therapy at school (he refused as my son is still coming to terms but the help is there when he is ready). My daughter goes to a (detail removed by moderator) school (not a lot of resources at her school, my daughter has a trusted member of staff to tall to and go on walks with).

I also asked my younger child to draw (I used (detail removed by moderator)) sat in our garden and he ‘graffiti’s it out’ and sometimes he talks to me about what he has painted and what it represents. When either or both of mine clammed up I would take them on walks and they would start to unwind and talk as their heads cleared.

Both my children now talk to me about incidents they remember from when they were little (they really do soak up atmospheres and see so much more than I realised and now they also know it was DA and we talk about it along with red flags.
Also, if you want your children to have more help you could speak to your GP who can refer to CAMH’S? (I have put both my teenagers on the waiting list for CAMH’S).

You are not failing at all though I have also felt like a failure for not getting out sooner, for what my children have grown up with. There’s a positive here bananaboat, yes children grow up and can be affected by what they witness and once the abuser has gone we can teach them about DA and healthy relationships (my 2 are (detail removed by moderator), they understand a lot more now including NOT wanting their dad in our lives, what is ok and what isn’t in a relationship).

❤

[Author]

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