Children’s dad-Severe mental health issues

[Blankcanvas]

Children’s dad has lost touch with reality.
(detail removed by moderator)
I have a non mol in place.
His behaviour frightens me. I’m worried about sending children. The children are feeling uneasy about his moods and things he says. They say he’s so angry.
Social services have spoke to him on the phone and they want to assess him as they are concerned for his mental health.
DV and substance abuse has made him extremely frightening. I do not feel children are safe in his care right now
If I stop contact he will spiral and that frightens me. But I don’t think it’s safe. The effect he’s having on the kids is damaging

Has anyone else experienced this?
We separated a long, long time ago. And things are getting worse

Thank you for reading

[tryingtosleep]

hi blankcanvas – sorry – this sounds like a nightmare
not exactly the same – but my ex was on a lot diazepam while drinking heavily and was sending me nonsense messages a while ago
there are support services out there for example change/grow/live – if you want you could register him with something like this?

but – i think you have to remember that he is an adult and you are not responsible for him

definitely do not put your children in his care –
definitely use social services to support you with this
you are completely right that he is not safe to you/your kids or himself – but he is the only one that can fix himself – you cant do it
he is spiralling with you or without you
you need to look after you now – as you are the one who is protecting your children – if that means stopping contact – then that it was you have to do

good luck and please look after yourself – x*x

[Lostnalone]

Blankcanvas ur his partner not his nurse!! The support out there is awesome but u have to want to do it!! I lived with mine just under 2 decades. I stayed far to long coz of this reason!! He’s a vet with p.t.s.d and I’m caring empathetic human being. However his n**********c personality is a wonderful tool they can use to manipulate ur mind. Turn illness on to control a situation. They bend ur mind because they no wat they are doing and our natural caring is something that can’t be faked!! My dv lady said only 1% go through with what they there Gona do to themselves. When they realise there loosing u they always try a different tactic!! Use ur non mol order,ring social services and leave it to them. I did!! Look after urself and ur beautiful children 💗

[tryingtosleep]

Just to add that I know how hard it is – choosing between your real children and the adult child.

I feel constant guilt but in the end I didn’t really have a choice.

[Happybelle]

Totally feel for you. I’m not a parent but my partners children are are kind a lot. They have decided they don’t want to come anymore because their father isn’t as present for them as he could be and really they’ve had enough and he shouts at them if they disturb whatever he is doing. I feel like the absolute worst person that I have failed them because I’ve been out working on the weekend and didn’t notice how bad it had got for them.

[Blankcanvas]

Thank you for replying.

What kind of support can I expect from social services? Anyone have any experience?

@lostnalone thank you for sharing your situation. Are things better now?

@tryingtosleep thank you for the change/grow/live. Unfortunately it’s not in my area. But some really good links I read from looking into it.

@Happybelle thank you for sharing. Must be hard for you if you have a bond with kids.

[Lifebegins]

Hi Blankcanvas,

So reading your post felt very similar to my experience. My ex has mental health issues – he is also an abuser. I think they are both separate, and the same issue. It doesn’t really matter which is the cause of his behaviour. What’s important is safeguarding your children.

I was so worried about what would happen if I refused contact, both in what he would do and if he went to court (that the court would enforce contact), that I lost sight of the priority, my child. It ended up that he physically assaulted my child on a visit and when they finally told me, and then opened up about all the emotionally/verbally abusive behaviour they were witnessing/being subjected on visits, I went to the police and children services.

The long and the short of it is that they (Police/children services) can’t really do anything unless they deem your ex a risk or there is a criminal case to answer. The responsibility lies with us as resident parents to keep our kids safe and both the police and children services advised me that I’m within my rights to refuse contact if I feel my child is unsafe. My ex would then have to go to court to get access. Conversely, children services/police could become involved if I put my child at risk by sending them to the abusive parent!

It’s a terrible time being in this situation as no one wants to give you a definitive answer, so I really feel for you as you are so on your own with this.

My child decided they didn’t want to see their dad anymore, they’re of an age where their wishes are considered and so I supported them with this and said no more direct contact. So far, quite a long time later, no court action from my ex. If they know abuse can be proven (I also had a non-mol with evidence of DA) and they also know their mental health will be investigated, I’m not sure they want to go to court with this. And my child has been absolutely thriving since without all the stress in their life.

My advice would be to go with your gut. If you’re worried, that’s enough.

Sending you a virtual hug 🤗 xx and stay strong xx

[Blankcanvas]

I really appreciate you sharing your experience and it’s lifted some of the fog. You’re right, all that’s important is safeguarding them. Xx

Things are probably at crisis point right now so can only get better.
It’s just incredibly stressful.

It’s taking it’s toll. But hopefully we’ll be offered some guidance/support at the very least.

I’m glad to hear a more positive outcome from your situ

Just feels never ending.

Thanks again

[Lostnalone]

Blankcanvas not really. Just about to get a no mol put in place!! But I wil be ok. I’m just want all this to be done, so i can heal.xx

[Blankcanvas]

Social services came and said it’s my choice/responsibility to safeguard my child. I did stop contact but he then sent (detail removed by Moderator) long messages, so I turned the phone off. (detail removed by Moderator) he turned up at my house, I wasn’t in, he sent (detail removed by Moderator) messages to my (detail removed by Moderator), one calling me a (detail removed by Moderator).
Then turned up at my (detail removed by Moderator) house.

I called police, but not sure if it’s enough to go court. He shouldn’t of come here, (detail removed by Moderator).

He’s been love bombing my child, saying I’m keeping them apart, but my child has said I am scared of you to him when texting him.
Child’s dad replied, (detail removed by Moderator).
My child is petrified of their dad.
Kids are not meant to be afraid of their parents.

I’ve got restless legs from anxiety. They keep twitching. My thoughts feel so clouded. I’ve no appetite.
I’m so tired and drained. Yet wired.

[Eggshells]

Every social worker, teacher, police officer and medical professional should be well versed in “Every Child Matters”. It is the bread and butter document that underpins Child safeguarding and it makes it very clear that it is everyone’s responsibility to keep children safe. If your social worker has made you feel that it is your responsibility alone and nothing to do with them then please refer up to their direct line manager.

The whole point of social workers is to keep people safe!

Please make the school aware of what is happening with your child and what social services are telling you.

You now have a text from him “(detail removed by Moderator)” implying that he has no intention of moderating his behaviour around your child. (detail removed by Moderator). Non-mol orders are not issued willy-nilly and they are a recognition that you and your children need protecting from him and that you cannot do that alone.

If social services still won’t support you after you have escalated to your social workers line manager, then call your MP.

[Blankcanvas]

I just feel completely lost.
I feel bad that this is all happening. But I have my concerns.

The school are aware, but I feel they feel sorry for the dad!
They don’t see how manipulative, angry and threatening he can be. To them he’s a dad desperately wanting to see his dear children.
He’s talking like I’ve recently kicked him out the family home. The house I’m in he’s never lived.
I am trying to be practical and ask for help but because it’s deemed low risk I’m just to get on with it,
I feel our situation is just over looked.
I need to regain my composure and calm.
But I feel so unsettled.
My stomach is turning and my brain won’t shut off.

[Author]

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