Children's Services – Terrified

[Strube]

There is a current investigation into ex’s abusive behaviour towards our children (we are no longer in a relationship). As a result, children’s services are involved. Children’s services have ”asked” around and have concerns that our children are being physically chastised both at their dad’s house during contact and at home with me. The social worker says I appear overwhelmed and I over parent my children. The social worker said my children are live wires and challenging. I don’t physically chastise my children. During my childhood it was normal to be smacked and have things thrown at me when I was naughty. During my relationship with my ex, he insisted that the only way to discipline our children was to smack and I was called weak if I did not smack them. I have smacked them on the bottom in the past. I am not proud of this. It wasn’t often and it was never hard. I made a personal choice when I left my ex that i wouldn’t smack my children and now use the time out step or revoke privileges such as time on the tablet or on the pc. I find distraction also helps.

I am terrified that children’s services think I’m abusing my children. I don’t know where these concerns have come from. As they left my house, they said I shouldn’t be afraid to seek help if I’m struggling to cope. I have sought help over the years, but everyone involved in our case has told me I’m a good mum.

Our xmas has been ruined and I think my ex will use these allegations to minimise his behaviour.

I was protecting my children when I left my abusive relationship. I have continued to protect my children and yet it now seems that children’s services see me as a threat and I feel utterly hopeless.

[Anonymous]

Hi Strube, please don’t be scared I have found when dealing with childrens services that the best way is to be honest. If you have smacked them in the past tell them but also make it clear that this is something you no longer do. I have found whenever reports are made there are always things in there that you won’t like. If they offer help take it. Try not to let it ruin your Christmas sometimes social workers can forget the effect their words can have on people because they are so used saying it as it is. X

[cupofcoffee]

Hi Strube, just wanted to say that I am sending love as I am in a very similar situation and I know what you are going through. Just keep reminding yourself that you are not the abusive one and you haven’t caused this, he has! Try to remain as calm as possible with children’s services and keep reminding yourself that you are not abusive, but abusive men are very good at manipulating others. xx

[Peaceful Pig]

Hi Strube, I really feel for you. Social workers can be extremely insensitive and seem to have limited understanding of the effects of abuse and manipulation tactics of abusers. I’m sure the allegations will have come from your ex. This is what they do, they throw out counter allegations to deflect attention away from their bad behaviour. Please try to hold on to the truth that you are a brave and good parent to have left your ex. We all believe in you. A year ago I felt destroyed by social services but things are much better now. You’ll get through this. Sending hugs xx

[Strube]

Thank you all for your replies. Your words comforted me and enabled me to enjoy Christmas with my children.

I’m still very worried. However, I’m more cross at myself – I didn’t assert myself with the social worker and the shock of what they said caused me to break down in tears which probably reinforced their view that I’m overwhelmed. I wish I had asked where the allegations had come from – it’s unlike my ex to make stuff like this up, but I would y out anything past him. He’s hurt our children again and everyone around us said he wouldn’t do it again.

I have reported him for assault against our children a few years ago but the police were unable to charge due to lack of evidence. Will the police and children’s services look into his history or should I mention this to them incase they haven’t?

How likely is it that children’s services will take these allegations seriously?

[Anonymous]

Hi Strube, they have to look into any allegations that are made. I always ask social workers what they are actually going to do to help the situation 9 times out of ten they have no reply because they don’t have budgets to do anything of use. They get just as frustrated as we do sometimes because there are no resources. Glad you were able to enjoy Christmas x

[Peaceful Pig]

Anyone who has just left an abuser and is trying to ‘co-parent’ with them will be overwhelmed. I know I was for a very long time because it’s an incredibly brave and difficult thing to do and not something you deserve to be criticised for. Try not to beat yourself up for not asserting yourself with the social worker. It will take time to for your confidence to return and having our parenting questioned by someone with power is inevitably triggering. They should have your previous concerns on record but I would certainly remind them. Maybe consider writing down what you want to ask them or have someone with you to support and advocate for you. I agree that resources are tight and thresholds are high but that doesn’t make you wrong. Stick to the truth and stay strong. I’m glad Christmas was enjoyable in the end xx

[Strube]

I left him years ago but it was only recently he was granted contact. In that short time both myself and the school have heard stories from my children regarding the way their father treats them. Myself and the school both contacted children’s services (CS) regarding what the children had said, but they didn’t take it seriously and told me to stop contact. Easier said than done when a court order is in place.

CS were involved when I first left my ex and they said I was a good parent and they closed our file. In the years since I left him I have had support from the GP, health visitor, parent support advisor, school, family support worker, dv charities, play therapists and my own counsellor. Cafcass have also been extensively involved with me. Not one of those professionals has ever raised a concern about the safety of my children or the way I parent them. In fact they all said I was doing a great job.

The SW who told me I was overwhelmed and over parenting and has concerns that I’m physically chastising my children, told me two days before that I’m a good mum(!), she said if I wasn’t CS would have been involved by now. It seems she’s completely changed her mind about me.

I don’t know where the allegations have come from. My son told me he was asked by the SW and police if I smack him and if he’s happy at home. He said that he told them he doesn’t get smacked and he’s happy.

Surely if I had something to hide I wouldn’t have sought help over the years and I certainly wouldn’t have called CS myself. I’m cross that they didn’t listen to the concerns that myself and the school had, but have taken these allegations about myself seriously.

I parent my children the best way I know how and have bought many parenting books to help me in the areas I feel I could improve on. I have volunteered to attend parenting classes and other courses all in the hope of raising my children to my best ability. The SW told me books are meaningless and I should ignore bad behaviour from my children, even if it means they hurt themselves in the process.

I have been let down massively by the police and family courts in the past and I know that this situation will not end well for me. The ironic thing is, I reported my ex in order to protect my children and now it looks like I’m the one in the firing line. If he gets away with what he’s done and I’m forced to send the children back to him for contact sessions because of this false allegation I don’t know how I’ll cope. He will eventually kill one of our children in a fit of rage. Before you think I’m overreacting, he’s not proven Me wrong so far 🙁

[jsscollie]

Strube, can you call either the women’s aid helpline or the Samaritans and tell them
How you are feeling? Please know that however bad things seem, you can get through this. Please keep posting to talk about your feelings – you still have everything to live for, most importantly yourself xx

[KIP.]

Strube, ive been where you are. You need to speak to somebody. A friend or family member or the helpline. Your children need you and always will. Dont stop fighting for them. Youre a great mum and doing a fantastic job. All of us on this webiste know the truth and so do you. Thats all that matters. You are just overwhelmed by his abuse. I thought i would never move on from the abuse but it is really possible. Play the long game, it will all work out in the end. They cannot keep their mask on forever. Please let us know you are ok?

[cupofcoffee]

Hi hun, I am so sorry what you are going through at the moment, believe me I know exactly what you are going through thanks to one insensitive social worker, please be strong and remember that this is NOT your fault, I would question (very calmly) the social worker about this and say if she could clarify exactly what she means as she stated two days before you were a good mum, and that you have not had one complaint from any other agency, but all this stems from some anonymous source and your son is not disclosing that he is being abused by you at all, because he isn’t! Can you have someone with you who can help you when the social worker is there?

[Author]

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