Child’s (detail removed by moderator)

[Pea2020]

So I left my abusive husband (detail removed by moderator).

He is going through a period of being completely amicable and almost friendly.

He text me to say that he has (detail removed by moderator) for one of our children’s (detail removed by moderator) and I can go if I want.

I am now going, because I know it will make my child happy, but I don’t know if it’s what I’m meant to be doing. I have been trying to limit contact and I know I’m going to be so anxious and stressed being in the same room as him.

Has anyone else had any experience with sharing (detail removed by moderator) with abusive exes?

[KIP.]

Don’t do it. It isn’t worth it. Your child will have just as good a time and it’s something they will need to get used to. Being there may even mean your ex will be cruel just to taunt you. Feign an illness or do whatever you have to do to get out of it. Start as you mean to go on.

[Living Warrior]

I agree with KIP, don’t do it, my experience is that they use the kids to get what they want and what they want is either for us to go back or to torture us at any given chance.

Don’t give them that chance!

Kids understand as they get older that you can’t be in the same places.
I’m not sure how old ur child is but they know stuff from a very young age, and as they grow up they understand more.. your a role model… children see and hear things, then they see your actions… they learn from you.

It is not OK for these people to treat us badly and us want to spend time near them for any reason.. we don’t want our children growing up to think that this is OK.
You have the right to say no!
You have the right to change your mind.
Your have the right not to be abused.
You have the right to bring up your child in a safe environment.
That can never be guaranteed when both you and him are together.

I’m sorry if that seems blunt.
But speaking from experience, there are things I would do different if I could go bk in time.

Good luck. X

[ISOPeace]

I’m glad you brought this topic up Pea2020. I saw the title before it was moderated so I know what you’re talking about. Just thinking how to ask a related question without being too specific…..

Has anyone ended up in competition with their ex to be the first one to arrange these things? My ex is a very hands on dad and I can imagine him trying to monopolise doing this sort of thing. For family ones they’d be separate anyway but when friends are involved it could get more tricky.

[Pea2020]

This will be the first event of its kind since we separated- he has got in there first and organised (detail removed by moderator). I don’t want to be in the same room as him, but I also don’t want to miss out! He has had a habit in the past of telling everyone who will listen at school how hands on he his, how much he has the kids.
Whilst we were together, he made sure to tell all the other mums how bad my mental health was etc.

I dont want them to think he is the main parent or that I’m not very involved or capable or anything… but that is my own ego talking, I know.

[KIP.]

If you’re concerned what others think then you won’t be believed if you try to bring up his abuse. You’re playing straight into his hands. Look she says I’m the abusive one yet she’s happy to come to my home and join in the birthday celebrations. It’s a mistake but perhaps one you will have to make to understand what these men are like. Have your own celebrations separately if you care what others think and want to show them how capable you are. I’d be more concerned about showing how you refuse to be around an abusive man. By cutting ties you’re showing the world that he is abusive and you want nothing to do with him.

[KIP.]

Also don’t be surprised if he springs a new girlfriend on you just to humiliate you. He will have something planned.

[Pea2020]

I know you are right @KIP

I wonder if maybe he just wants me there to make it seem like we are all good and that he hasn’t done the things that he has done.

I think it is more for his public image than anything.

I will try and find an excuse not to go, although it is heartbreaking not being there for my son.

[KIP.]

Hey you’re doing the right thing for your son. Setting an example because if he’s abused you, you can bet as soon as his son steps out of line he will get the same treatment so you need to set a good example that it’s okay not to be around abusive people even if they’re related. Empower him and build resilience. There is every other day of the year to be with your son and kids are very resilient x you will build that resilience too. Sending a big hug 🤗 for you. I stayed in an abusive relationship for the sake of my child and we are now estranged. His father destroyed that bond. You have a fighting chance to prevent that by building a separate positive life for you both away from abuse x never underestimate an abuser. Their children are simply pawns in their game x

[Author]

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