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Difficult times ahead for lots of us. Those still with their abusers will know that having him around the holiday period is walking on eggshells and those who have left will have mixed memories and maybe contact because of children. Lots of mixed emotions. We all share them and this forum has helped me through several Christmas holidays. I’ve learned to make a new Xmas for myself. I miss my son and my stepdaughter but they are collateral damage too. Try to be positive and grateful for the small things we still have. Try to take some time for yourself. Buy yourself a gift and wrap it for under the tree. You deserve it. Love to you all. You are stronger than you will ever know 🎄
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Last year we spent Christmas together just the two of us, and this year it was supposed to be the three of us. He never liked Christmas, but he was excited this year as it was going to be special now our baby was here. We had everything planned and I was looking forward to it more than anything. So her first Christmas this year without him is going to be super hard, even the lead up to it is killing me slowly. I have such a sinking feeling, even though I’m exited at the same time. The thought of him spending Christmas in prison and not with us like planned is horrible even though his own actions and abuse/violence is what has put him there. Such a mixture of emotions this year…x
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I’m so sorry FlowerBubble but your baby has you and that’s really all they need. A loving stable safe place and time with mum. So many different families, so many different types of Xmas. It’s not your fault and you’re absolutely right about his choices. We imagine a fairytale but in reality he would probably ruin it for you all. Enjoy this precious time. Make new good positive memories and take lots of photos. Keep pushing the excited thoughts to the front you have a very special first Xmas. Try not to let him take away the magic.
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Last Xmas was hideous for me and my ex was arrested and removed from the house in the new year. It feels like yesterday. One part of me is looking forward to an aggression free christmas, but another part of me is sad. He’s homeless now and has lost everything and everyone. I know it’s his fault. He loves alcohol more than he loves anything.
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Thanks for this lovely post KIP. it’s true many people will struggle I’m sure.
Personally I’m looking forward to this first Christmas without him. No awkward social situations and turning down invitations because he’d end up drunk and kicking off. And most years he went back home to his country so I was alone anyway. So I’ll do what I always do. Christmas Eve, lots of nice treats to eat, a bottle of something nice, a good film and thanking my lucky stars I got out.
If you’re feeling low around Christmas, please reach out for help and support, here, samaritans, women’s aid.. there will always be someone to help and to listen. I will be around feel free to contact me if you want to vent!
@Landy, I’m so sorry, that must have been awful for you. Will you be with family or friends this year?
I hope you all have as peaceful a Christmas as possible. Be kind to yourself. Lots of love HD X
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Thank you. Both. First Christmas at home for years! And being able to have people over feels like such a treat. Having people here when he was home was impossible. He didn’t care who he abusedor who witnessed him abusing me.
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Last Christmas my ex threatened to kill me on Christmas Day, and he made Christmas difficult every year before that, so I’m looking forward to having a more relaxed Christmas this year (although I’m still worried that he’ll turn up looking for me). I hope that people who are still with their abusers or will be spending Christmas on their own are still able to enjoy the day x
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KIP thanks for this post and for writing whats on my mind. I could really do without Christmas this year and feel bad for not being very ‘in the spirit’ but to be honest just want it over but need to make it special for my baby daughter who is only (detail removed by moderator) years old….but I keep feeling guilty that after christmas things are really going to kick off between me and her dad….thinking of all you amazingly strong ladies this christmas and all the best for us all in the new year x*x
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Thank you KIP. I tend to find this time of year hard with Christmas, new year and the cold and dark.
I met my abuser around Christmas and amazingly he even nearly managed to ruin it despite me barely knowing him back then. I’m certain he did it on purpose.
I’m now spending Christmas alone, well not really alone as I’ll be with my wonderful animals. My family Christmases before my ex were also often painful. My brother was always unpredictable going from fun and charming to silent treatment or aggression, criticism and blame to just walking out of the house mid conversation and going home or to see his friends. Each year he was so unpredictable and I always thought his outbursts were my fault for ‘annoying him.’ It was always painful to me but I never saw it as emotional abuse as my parents always condoned whatever he did however cruel he was to me.
I’ve found being alone at Christmas hard at times but also peaceful. Last year my mental health was more stable than previous Christmasses when I’d seen my family. I feel like there is some light over the horizon of this dark mountain.
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Thanks for starting this post KIP. I have been feeling all over the place this month. And I couldn’t put my finger on why. I have been low level ill (which because of my health conditions is pretty debilitating) for a long time now. I just keep getting colds. But that doesn’t explain why my emotions have been so unstable. It was only when you posted this that I realised that it was previous Christmas experiences that were affecting my mood. I’m not exactly walking on eggshells this year, but I am still feeling inadequacy and like I have to get everything right, in order to make Christmas happy. Which is nonsense. My current partner is lovely. We are spending Christmas with my extended family, who are all lovely. I don’t have to do everything to be a good person, or have a good Christmas. It’s taking time for that to sink in.
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Such lovely post thank you for your generous thoughts KIP, you’re such a darling thinking of others like that 💕
Mixed emotions is exactly how I feel.
I do feel very grateful for what I do have, my freedom above all and at the same time can’t suppress a little pit of sadness in my stomach. So it is. I intend to treat myself indeed and have ordered two gifts and plan to cook a fabulous dinner for myself. I’ll be spending Christmas alone, I could reach out to friends or family but I’m too exhausted. I don’t feel strong enough to face anyone. Because then the topic will be me and my situation and I don’t want to talk about it and I’ve noticed I become aggressive, I am not nice company thus.
In a weeks time I’ll have two weeks off, I’ll visit Christmas markets and admire the craftwork of the artists, the fairy-lights all across town, and treat myself for cups of tea and coffees here and there. I intend to treat myself to the absolute best possible way. I deserve it and so do all of us.
Much Love to all you lovelies🎄💫✨ -
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Hi, thanks KIP for your words. Sadly, I no longer celebrate Christmas. My children are all with their partners and my partner goes to his children, so I will be snacking all day with my Cats and on the net or watching tv. I lost count of how many times I was told by my ex-husband that I ruin every Christmas, yet it was his abuse that ruined it. I still live on my nerves every year after all these years. I seem to have attracted drunks all of my life who can’t take their drink. Big hugs to you all x
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Hi queenmaeve, celebrate on your own. Make sure you buy yourself lots of snacks and presents. Self partner is the new buss word. Treat yourself like you are your own best friend, partner, plan your own day that will make them all jealous. Stay in your PJs. Someone I know has part of the Xmas dinner throughout the day. So salmon and scrambled eggs for breakfast with a glass of Prosecco. Turkey for lunch, cheese biscuit and cheese cake for dinner all washed down by her favourite drink followed by lots of chocolate. And the tv remote all to herself. Blissssssssss x
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I do think Christmas is overrated for me. It’s one day a year and so much effort when we have the rest of the year to see friends and family. We put so much pressure on ourselves. What I’ve found post abuse is that I get so much pleasure and satisfaction from seeing others achieve and thrive. From helping others to meet their full potential. That’s the ultimate gift for me. Of course it’s fantastic to see the kids enjoy Christmas and I’ve always thought it was about the kids. I don’t ever remember my ex buying gifts at Xmas. It was always down to me to shop for everyone in my family and his. I know the first year we parted (with a little help from the police), he missed his daughters birthday all together. Onwards and upwards x
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KIP I think you might have just given me a delicious Christmas menu idea for the entire day with your reply to Queenmaeve. Bless you!! I never thought of getting cheese cake for dinner, how cool is that!
Christmas is over rated in general but I never celebrated it in extravaganza, we didn’t do presents, we always just checked who (expats) is alone this year and invited them over for some nice food and drinks and social board games, Pictionnary and such or karaoke ☺️
After our second child was born everything changed and he turned abusive. Such a shame. I’ll never understand the need to destroy the beauty in life. I’ll never find the comprehension for such acts.
I also enjoy seeing others prosper, especially become independent gives me my greatest joy. -
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