Christmas and New Year…

[Swan123]

I haven’t been on in quite a while. I was under the illusion that things would be better. For a time they looked that way – he’s in therapy and I was noticing real efforts. Well clearly no sessions over the Christmas period, and as usual big dramas on Christmas Day and New Year’s Day. He’s not a big drinker, but over the holiday period, I noticed as the alcohol crept in a fair bit, his propensity to be angered got more. I couldn’t do right from wrong this holiday period. When I thought it was ok to be ‘relaxed’ for one day, the day would be awful and tense. I haven’t had a break from my own self employment since (detail removed by Moderator)…the first day I took properly from work, I wish I hadn’t. I think that’s why I’ve not stopped working – it’s easier than facing a day in his company. Started again to feel the pangs of anxiety around him, which I was managing well before. He always does this…makes me feel mentally safe one minute, and totally not the next moment, and when I dare to present my perspective, I get shouted at. Today all day has been ‘(detail removed by Moderator)’…I don’t mind him expressing his inner self talk…but the sad of it is nobody has ever ‘said’ that…and today children and I have kept out of his way. We have had marital difficulties anyway. I’m no angel, and found comfort in the arms of someone else for a short time, because they treated me with some care – something I’m not used to. Anyway, since finding out, the abusiveness stakes just increased…and I just made things worse. I know I need to get out. I keep telling myself that one of these years I will. For so very many years, every Christmas and New Year, I kind of wish the same…It’s so sad to hear myself, stuck. Financially I need him. I don’t want to but with the three children being relatively young I just can’t make it work. ‘(detail removed by Moderator)’ I’ve heard this on repeat the whole day, it’s exhausting. Then he says to the children when they try and stick up for me as he bad mouths me, that they love me and that I’m ‘the best’…to which he replies ‘(detail removed by Moderator)’…

I remember years ago writing to Samaritans one Christmas because I was so desperate – I didn’t recognise I was being abused. Now I see it, it feels so much worse and with the pandemic I can’t even got to my family who are quite far away for a break from this scene. I can’t see an end to any of this…it feels hopeless. I just can’t reason or talk with him, unless the conversation is on his terms, and he has some ‘input’…for all intensive purposes I now owe separately – I sleep in a different room…as the last bout of physical abuse left me so shocked, it’s when I ‘woke up’. I know deep down he is getting irritated because it is looking as if I am making zero effort to reconcile…but I can’t think to be intimate on that deeper level because of what he did. He thinks I deserved it for what I did. The sad of it is, I was physically abused times over before I even strayed. The basic needs of human decency and kindness was what I was hoping to find in my own relationship. I knew I would never find it, and it’s not to excuse what I did…but I can only make sense of what happened in that way. My life right now feels like an of a soap opera. If you’ve read this far – thank you. I can’t share this with anyone else…

[KIP.]

Hey there, sadly abuse always gets worse and it’s child abuse what he is doing too which will leave your children with their own problems in adulthood too. What they need is you. A loving mum who can be herself 100%. And can give them 100%. You are not responsible for his actions. He chooses to abuse you. No matter how trapped you feel there are always options. Have you spoken to a solicitor to see where you would stand financially. I ended up with the family home. You may be in a much better position than you think. Start to build a support network round you. Women’s aid were fantastic. Therapy won’t help a man like this. Just an excuse for him to continue his abuse. Alcohol too is no excuse for abuse. Any mistakes you made in the past again he will use to excuse his abuse. If he can’t blame you for something you’ve done he will simply invent something. Start taking baby steps again toward that safe exit plan. You’ve given this abusive relationship far too much of yourself already and it takes two to make it work and he’s simply not interested in an equal loving partnership x

[Swan123]

Tears in my eyes because I know you’re right. I put my name down in (detail removed by Moderator) after physical abuse with a solicitor who deals with domestic abuse…I was then told I’m on a waiting list. I chased up in (detail removed by Moderator) after they said they were taking on more staff and heard nothing back…and as things ‘appeared’ to feel better…again I slipped into ‘It’s ok’ mode. I keep doing that, and that’s what annoys me so very much. I’m angry with myself about my handling of the situation as it repeatedly presents. Thank you @kip for taking the time to pen me some wisdom. x

[Hawthorn]

Hi Swan,

Please be kind to yourself. Save that anger for him, not yourself. You entered this relationship with an open heart, it is not your fault that an abusive man took advantage of that and you. These men destroy our self-confidence and make us feel everything is our fault. It makes it so hard to leave because we feel trapped and makes us easier to control.

You dont deserve any of this. He is the architect of this situation, not you. You have choices, difficult choices, but choices nevertheless. Only you know what is best for you and your children. Try to think of them and of yourself, not about him. You can escape this. Like KIP said, baby steps. Posting here is a great start, keep reaching out for support. You deserve so much better, and you can achieve it xx

[Swan123]

Thank you @Hawthorn…I really appreciate your kind words…Will work on perhaps that anger I can’t turn outwardly…I turned it on myself which isn’t helpful when I reflect on what you’ve written.

Thanks for taking the time x

[KIP.]

I know it all seems daunting but try to break it down into bite size pieces. How do you eat an elephant? One teaspoon at a time. You’ve given everything to this relationship and nothing will change him. It’s time to look after yourself. You can ring any family solicitor for free initial advice. That will give you an idea of your entitlement and also start keeping a journal of his behaviour. This is really important for you to evidence the abuse so any texts and emails too. Talk to your GP and have the abuse noted. How it makes you feel, stressed and anxious. All important further down the line. Abusers anti parent so getting your kids away from him will be the much healthier option for you all. Do not believe a word he says. Abusers are pathological liars. Start passing money to someone you trust too. Money that you can keep secret and use for your future. I know how scared you are. I was decades with my abuser but I’m sitting here in a peaceful safe home. Relaxed, no walking on eggshells. Chilling out watching tv. Being normal. Not waiting for a verbal bashing or criticism because I didn’t do this or that. Once you get rid of him you can start actually enjoying life again. The very first time he abused you he gave you permission to walk away x

[Rose1]

Hi Swan

Reading your post made me dreadfully sad because its basically my story..the hope that things will have changed for the better only to be hurt and disappointed time after time and when you lull yourself into this false sense of security its devastating to find yourself back in the same heartbreaking situation. I almost left my husband. I met a nice kind quiet man, but in the end I talked it through with husband and it was agreed we’d make a good go of it..it didn’t last and now he uses it as a tool to berate me and call me names. Take all the advice given..including trying to get some savings..I’m saving quietly and I’ve spoken to my GP. Keep talking it helps. I wish you luck

[Empoweredhealing]

Please don’t blame yourself. There was nothing that you did or could do to justify his abuse. Therefor, there isn’t anything that you can do to stop it. Except to leave.
The cycle of abuse is a powerful trap. Keep communicating and reaching out for support. You’ve already begun the process of one day leaving this abuse behind you.

[Author]

Posts