Co parenting difficulties

[Starlight11]

Hi I’m new here but was recommended this forum. I’m having a hard time navigating parenting after separating from my ex. It’s been over a year but the schedule we agreed on has changed several times at his asking. Now he’s pushing for more time. The children love him and miss him to bits but because he hasn’t been consistent and honestly probably due to the pain he’s caused me, I’m reluctant. I’ve been accused of basically being the cause of their upset by not allowing them what they want and need, even though I’ve never denied access. Now I’m scared my kids don’t want to be with me, they enjoy being with him more, and that I’m not being a good mum. (detail removed by moderator) I don’t know how to navigate this and protect my personal boundaries.

[browneyedmum]

Welcome Starlight!

And ayup! I’m struggling with this too, but more recently separated.

I read somewhere that its near impossible to co-parent with an abusive parent. Rather, there is something called, “Parallel Parenting” that I need to research and consider for myself as well.

But yes, I got two major issues with my ex there at present:

(1) He gets to be “Fun Time Daddy” all the time. By contrast, I’m always exhausted and dragging.

He swans in and out whenever he likes and the kids enjoy spending time with him. It’s because he gives them fewer boundaries than I do. I think this confuses the children with living with two sets of different house rules which has caused some conflict between me and one of the children in particular.

He’s not having to do all the work for the kids… morning routine, school runs, school lunches, parenting admin, looking after the bills, dishes, laundry, extra-curriculars, homework, bedtime routine… I’m sure you get the message. Nah, instead he picks them up and takes them to his mum’s, plays with them on the XBox and then calls it ‘job done’! He love bombs them.

He relies on the children to drive their relationship. One child is happy to. The other child won’t and would mostly rather not see him, but if that child’s grandmother asks to see them, the other child is happy to go.

And it is simply not fair. I’m exhausted all the time and don’t feel like I can engage with the children as well rested and refreshed as my ex gets to.

(2) “Fun Time Daddy” is getting too liberal with his access than I like. Not too long ago, my ex came to pick up the kids to spend a little bit of time with them. The time that he wanted them to visit over dinner time. I suggested to him not to worry about their dinners … because I had a family favourite defrosting and it would take no time to warm it up for them when they got back.

I’m not certain if he misheard me or not, but either way, he walks right past me to go to the kitchen and goes straight to the fridge, picks up the food that’s defrosting and even asks for a shopping bag to take it all with him. I wasn’t in the mood for “starting another argument because I didn’t listen to him”. But in all, it felt very invasive.

I know that his vision of co-parenting was making it so that the kids could go over to his anytime they wanted to… as if we were friendly neighbours and sharing resources and such openly. I think my ex wants to model it after what his best friend does with their child, but that took at least 10 years to build up that level of trust between his best friend and his best friend’s ex-wife… where my ex wants that level of trust between he and I after all of his years of neglect and abuse while we lived together– including financial abuse and I highly suspect my ex is taking advantage of his mum and living well beyond his means. And its just not fair.

So I totally get where you’re coming from when talking about reluctance due to the pain he’s caused.

And like you… until very recently, one of my children didn’t sleep in their own bed for several months where I allowed that child to sleep with me because that child didn’t feel safe when my ex was still living with us. However, with that child, I set down boundaries (because sheesh! I need my own space too!) which that child was not happy about– but I also believe part of that has to do with one parent (my ex) not setting boundaries with the children, where otherwise I am setting boundaries.

Its a minefield!

[Starlight11]

Hi Browneyedmum,
Thank you for your reply, it was nice to hear from someone who understands. I can’t/don’t want to explain to many people in my life what and why some things are so hard.
My ex would accuse me of trying to control everything, so now when my son, who is the eldest, questions me when I try to set a boundary or ask him to do something I get upset. Like tonight, the words out of his mouth were exactly something his Dad would say. I don’t feel like I can win and I know he’ll grumble to his Dad and that will just add fuel to his belief they are the way they are because I’m not allowing them what they want and need. Similarly to your ex, their Dad just expects me to be OK with kids stopping by if they want to when we walk the dog, or thay they can just wander down when they like. He disagrees with them needing a routine.
Currently sat in bed with my daughter again, so an early start tomorrow in order for me to get work done. Her reasons have gone from being scared from movies she should not have been watching at her Dad’s, to missing her Dad, being worked up over school, a spider, an ache, pain, funny mark to missing her Dad again.
Before we divorced he barely wanted to do anything as a family, any excuse to be out and leave me home alone with the kids, and now all of a sudden he wants to be interested.
I’m working myself stupid to make sure they have what they need and they’re OK, and all I hear about is Dad. I just feel like what’s the point!?
I love my kids to pieces and would move heaven and earth for them, but it just feels like no matter what I do it will be wrong.

[browneyedmum]

“Like tonight, the words out of his mouth were exactly something his Dad would say”

^^^ I had exactly the same from one of my children.

This child is enrolled in ‘Freedom Flowers’ and all of that, but is still behaving just like their dad with what’s been almost a constant torrent of insults, disrespect, and power plays whenever boundaries are being set.

I try to remind myself that…
– These are learned behaviours.
– These behaviours are being employed because this child feels dis-empowered & insecure.

However, it is so triggering… not only to hear almost the exact words, but also behaviours around taking no self accountability nor responsibility for that child’s actions:

– “You are making me feel this way!”
– Loads of excuses about how ever she responds, its my fault
– “This is why I want to live with dad!”
– Loads of things around how and why my feelings don’t matter and how this child’s feelings should come first
– Constantly back chatting and interrupting something I’m saying with outright shouting
– “You’re punishing me for no reason!”

Fortunately, that child has been phoning Childline frequently and I told that child to call them to check to see if I was being unreasonable. After a 20 minute private chat with them, this child came back to me with a different perspective and a lot of apologies.

And this child is doing a touch better, but its early days. I think I’ll remind this child to call Childline more often.

“He disagrees with them needing a routine.”

^^^ Its almost like weaponizing your children against you. Definitely undermining your authority. Like a ‘F’ you because we’re not on the same team anymore. I have yet to hear, “Well dad lets us!” … but I suspect that’s only a matter of time. Meanwhile, while my ex was living with us, we were lock-step insofar as chores, discipline, etc. The only things that changed were that he moved out and is using “Fun Time Daddy” as another tool for control.

Awuh, bless your daughter. One of my children was doing the exact same up until recently when I put down the boundary that I needed my own space for the betterment of my sleep. At first, the child was resistant, so we resorted to having a cuddle and watching a nature show for an hour before bedtime. And this child seems to be responding better to all of that.

“Before we divorced he barely wanted to do anything as a family, any excuse to be out and leave me home alone with the kids”

^^^ Mm-hm. He’d be happy to take one child or the other (though always had preference for the child who happens to be the same one who behaves like him) to run errands and then think to himself, “job done, I’ve spent quality time”. But otherwise for any family events, he never bothered to plan anything… that task was always left for me.

Oh wait! Except for one thing he did organise– because I put it on him… if he was so interested in the children participating there. But he stopped taking the children to that activity when we split up, even while he was living here.

And then my ex was extremely precious about his time out with his friends. Even while he wasn’t working and I was fitting the bill for everything, he’d go out with his friends 2-3x per week. My ex had already isolated me from my local friends, so I was always home so he could go out… to the point where he stopped telling me that he was going to go out.

There was one occasion when one of my local friends wanted to go out with me. I let him know and he blew up at me, “You know I always go to see my friends at [x] time!” And I was like… no I didn’t know. Because it had actually been a couple of weeks since he had met with his friends at that time-slot. It ended up being a weekend of Cold War like hell where I had to decline seeing my friend… and then my ex ended up not going out to see his friends because he suddenly “felt guilty”.

“I just feel like what’s the point!?”

^^^ Mm-hm… me too. Especially when I’m overwhelmed, exhausted, but still have loads to do and the only lever I can pull to motivate myself is, “Don’t let him think that you can’t handle this… he’ll use it against you” … to at least try to rally my anger to give me just a little bit more energy to finish things for the day.

And that’s besides the hole in my heart that it leaves, a touch of despair, that no matter what I do, it will never be ‘good enough’. But again, that’s how he made me feel, often.

“it just feels like no matter what I do it will be wrong”

^^^ And that is because… that is what the children learned from their dad, in order to maintain control over you. All the catch-22s all the time.

I actually told the child who acts like their dad once, “Okay, you’re right… I can’t ever get it right.”

Child responds, “Now you’re making me feel guilty.”

/facepalm

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