Coercion and control continues

[Thistle06]

Hi

I’ve been divorced for several years. My kids are now older but not yet 18. My ex has decided he will no longer communicate with me and instead has told the kids they are old enough. They have not agreed to be the recipients of his plans.

Recently things have got completely out of control . He tells them last minute he is not around (including when abroad so knew well in advance but wouldnt tell them) which to my mind is controlling behaviour not only of the kids who never seems to know if and when he will be around and me. Whenever the kids try to make arrangements with him he demands his time and dates and will not relent which has involved my eldest getting very stressed. They did not want to come home at (detail removed by Moderator) and refused to drop them back early. When they did relent he then said he didn’t want them to come over to his, he told them this at (detail removed by Moderator) the night before.

The chaos and therefore control is causing my kids to be stressed and indeed me as I know his behaviour is controlling my life as I never know what he is doing so I cannot make plans.

I am now very concerned about the coercion and gas lighting of my eldest. He promised her birthday party then cancelled with one lie and then another  so one day she is having a party (detail removed by Moderator) days later it is cancelled. She now  finds all contact with him stressful. He write huge text messages to her and I have said to her to no longer communicate with him. He refused to pick her up from (detail removed by Moderator) but was up to let her in – she is not allowed a key.

Why do can he not leave us alone why is he picking on her ? He has a house with the gf so why do this to us. From the outside most people just think oh well he’s being a pain but unless you’ve lived with coercion and control for (detail removed by Moderator) years you wouldn’t know what this is like.

Does anyone else still find the control overwhelming? I’ve had this for over half of my adult life with him and yesterday I just sat on my own and cried – its like the only way to make all of this stop is for me to end it then I will have peace. I bring myself back cos I wouldn’t abandon my kids.  I have told my daughter she  needs no contact for a while and to not communicate with him.

I have also told him the kids do not want to be involved with communication it is too stressful and to stick to what was agreed.

I know mine is a rare story and I don’t want anyone else to be upset thinking this will happen them i know other people have better outcomes.  But its very very isolating – I have no family.

[Lisa]

Hi Thistle06,

Thank you for your post. I’m sorry to hear about your situation. That must be upsetting for you to witness the impact on them and the stress this is causing you all. Your children also have a right to set their own boundaries and its good that you have reassured them about this.

It is a lot for you all to deal with- not knowing what he will say next, what plans he will cancel and rearrange. It must feel like you are having to adjust to what he wants and its not acceptable. If your children are older they can also start making their own decisions about contact and how much they want him in their lives.

Make sure to look after yourself too- it sounds like you have their best interests at heart which is what they need.

Best Wishes

Lisa

[Shellllehs]

I understand you completely thistle06,

I would never leave my daughter but find myself wandering if ending it is the only way out.

I left (detail removed by Moderator) ago. He still controls everything.

Do you keep a diary of the things he does?

Sounds like you need some support to help you feel strong enough to put a stop to his behaviour.

Your kids come first and if they’re stressed you are well within your rights to seek legal advise again. Or call the helpline and speak to the local da support team.

Help is out there. We just have to hunt it down. I have family but they do not support me when it comes to this.

Take it easy

 

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