Coercive control and parent alienation

[Emptyshell1]

Hi,

I need some help.

So I left my ex (detail removed by Moderator) years ago because his behaviour was very controlling and I took the kids with me. He used to punch walls when angry or turn off the fuse board so I couldn’t (detail removed by Moderator) I had to listen to him. And his attitude and behaviour towards the kids was horrible so I left.

Things haven’t been plain sailing but the kids have always seen him every other week but he rarely paid enough maintenance I was lucky to be getting (detail removed by Moderator) a month if that then we went 50/50 as he realised he wouldn’t have to pay maintenance. But lacked getting all the uniform etc the kids needed so kept using the stuff I had it.

In the last (detail removed by Moderator) weeks I went to pick the kids up as normal and he wouldn’t let me collect them. He said he would call the police. I had to ring round social services and the police. The police didn’t know anything and nor did social services but social services having spoken to me about things reported coercive control to the police and I have now reported that. (detail removed by Moderator).

So they kids have been at their dads now for the past (detail removed by Moderator) weeks and the kids now suddenly don’t want to come home. They barely talk to me.

I met them with their dad just to listen and see if we can resolve things they mentioned everything and then said they want to build up a relationship with my partner and spend more time as a family. Which I found odd as they didn’t want to be at my house.

I then got to see the girls (detail removed by Moderator) weeks later after that so (detail removed by Moderator) weeks down the line since it all kicked off had an absolutely fantastic afternoon with the girls lots of cuddles and kisses etc. They said they wanted to stay at their dads a bit longer. I said okay but we need to talk more even if just text.

Late that evening I had a weird message come from my (detail removed by Moderator) to say her and her sister had been talking and I’m manipulating them (detail removed by Moderator). I was so hurt over this. The messages were horrible and hurtful. I promised them I wasn’t manipulating them I just missed them, it didn’t make sense.

My (detail removed by Moderator) talks to my (detail removed by Moderator) who know what’s going on but it just there to listen to (detail removed by Moderator) and they have a great bond. But my (detail removed by Moderator) text me to say my (detail removed by Moderator) had spoken to his (detail removed by Moderator) and told her that she had cried because she could see how much I missed them and my exs partner told her she wasn’t crying because she missed her mum she was crying because she’s broken and your mums manipulating you.

So they actually did have a good weekend then we’re manipulated when they were home at their dads. This is devasting for me and it now seems parent alienation is happening.

I’ve spoken to the schools to make them aware as I wasn’t getting any updates when the kids weren’t at school etc. But talking to social services they don’t want to know, the police filed the report about coercive control then filed it and closed it. And my kids won’t see me. I’m supposed to see them (detail removed by Moderator) albeit will only be a day but they say they don’t want to t(detail removed by Moderator). Maybe in a couple of weeks. But the messages I get from them dont seem to be from them. As you know teenagers don’t use grammar capital letters etc to write texts usually I can nearly work out the messages. So now I think their phones are being controlled too.

No one will help me. Citizens advice said to speak to you. I have coercive control and parent alienation going on and no one will help me. I don’t know what to do, this is the worst feeling in the world. And doesn’t seem any point going to court as kids are older so said court would take that into account bit they are being manipulated.

Even when I left my ex I never once stopped him seeing the girls. (detail removed by Moderator). But again he decides all is okay and the kids can continue to see him as normal with her there. Although these incidents happened (detail removed by Moderator) ago.

8m supposed to see them again (detail removed by Moderator) but they said they don’t want to meet (detail removed by Moderator) maybe in a couple of weeks.

I don’t know what to do as I’m losing my girls.

Has anyone got any advice or had similar issues

[Twisted Sister]

Hello Emptyshell1

How upsetting for you and your children, and I’m sure there are no words that can come close to help you with how you must be feeling and have felt in losing your children to your manipulating ex. So cruel to you all.

I’m sure this is something that all of us have feared, or experienced to varying degrees at some point, in dealing with an abuser who doesn’t actually have the children’s best interests at the heart of his actions, but actually to just cause you further pain, regardless of the harm the children suffer.

I do know that there is a place on the internet where mother’s in your situation congregate and offer a lot of support to any facing the loss of their children and they call themselves Match Mothers, maybe you could look them up and get some very specific support and pointers from their experiences.

After all the words removed from your post I couldn’t really get the gist of who was talking to who, and who else was involved, but you need some really strong support to help you, and probably legal advice too.

You can approach Rights of Women for free legal advice, as they specialise in supporting women in these situations and more, but you will need to be persistent in calling until you manage to reach them, but once you get through you will be given the time you need to detail your situation and get legal assistance. Another organisation is called Coram Children’s Centre, and they will take on legal matters where there are children involved, although this may only relate to England, worth checking to see perhaps?

Do keep posting and letting us know how you get on, or if you need help and support at any time, this is such a traumatising time for you all and you need to take all the help you can get on side, and have places to turn to for expressing what you are experiencing.

warmest wishes

ts

[Emptyshell1]

Thankyou twisted sister for this advice. I will take any advice I can get as I am at a loss as to what to do. It’s just getting worse

[maddog]

Abusers don’t stop until either they’re locked up or dead. Rights of Women is a brilliant resource. I also recommend Shera, an international campaign group for rights of women and children. (Name removed by Moderator) is wonderful. Will PM you about someone you could speak to.

[Emptyshell1]

Thanks maddog. I’ve never known anything like this. I left (detail removed by Moderator) years ago but it seems things have got worse and worse and he still has the control even though I have a new partner. I think some of it is jealousy too

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