Conflict over christmas contact

[Flopsy]

Hi, I hope this in the right section.
I’m having a lot of trouble negotiating Christmas contact with my ex this year (more then usual). I have a (detail removed by Moderator) which states we alternate the Christmas days with our children and this year it’s his turn. No problems there, however he’s told me he’s having our kids on boxing day as well which is the day we’ve unofficially agreed is the other parents Christmas day. He’s told me he’s having them (detail removed by Moderator) and (detail removed by Moderator) which I’m not happy about. I really want to see my kids on the 26th, and they’ve told me that they also want to be with me on that day.
My ex is saying that I’m being annoying and unreasonable but I don’t feel it’s fair that he’s got all the main holiday dates.

This is a yearly occurance and I usually end up worse off for it.
Does anyone have any advice on negotiating contact? I’m at my wits end 🙁

[KIP.]

I’m sorry he’s doing this but without a legally binding contact agreement he will mess you about every chance he gets. Bullies. Are you in a position to take him back to court if he’s being unreasonable? If so I would let him know that you had an unofficial agreement and if he breaks it you will go back to court and make it official. If he breaks that you will ring the police to return them. Abusers do not negotiate.

[Serenity]

The only way I could stop my ex from playing those kinds of games was to make it formalised in a contact order, which dictates alternate arrangements each year, etc.

Without it, he would have continued to play cruel games, to use each holiday season to upset me, steal my rights and try to ‘win’ at the expense of his own children’s peace and happiness.x

[Flopsy]

Thank you for your replies.
I’m not in the position at the mo to take him to court whereas he does have the money so I feel like I’m constantly trying not to rock the boat.

I think it is a case of him trying to ‘win’ the kids over and give me the ‘scrappings’ but it upsets me most because it goes against what my kids have said they want.

Can anyone give me approximate figures of how much it’ll cost to get the official agreement changed please? I’m guessing it’s going to require a solicitor.

Thanks again

[KIP.]

You could ring Rights for Women for free advice. If it’s just amending the court order I don’t think it should cost too much and is perhaps something you could do yourself with the help of citizens advice bureau. Depends if he fights it and takes it to court. The threat of you taking him back to court might be enough for him to see reason. I know how you feel. The fear of his retribution keeps us quiet. I spent my life keeping the peace, not rocking the boat. Only you can decide if the stress is worth it. Not just going back to court but his upping the punishment. If you’re not strong enough yet then that’s ok. There is only so much abuse and triggers we can handle. If it’s overwhelming just now then you can always back down this year but get something permanent sorted in the new year? It might be worth texting or emailing him and saying you have a verbal agreement with him and if he breaks it he will leave you with no alternative but to go back to court. This way you have some sort of proof that he’s breaking the original verbal agreement?

[Freedomfighter]

Hi Frizzgiggles,
Have no experience in this are and you probably know this already, but if you have no money wouldn’t you be eligible for legal aid?
Citizens advice bureau could also advise you how to go about it and point you in the direction of appropriate help. Also the helplines are very helpful and your local Women’s aid group. Good luck

[Author]

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