Confused! 😫

[Primrose]

I’ve had a roller coaster of a relationship with this guy for some time now. When I met my partner he was amazing and helped me to believe that there was hope as I had left a previously emotionally abusive relationship with the father of my 3 children. He was supportive and charming and had a way with words and shortly after we met we bought a house together. Alarm bells rang on the day we moved in as I fell asleep in the evening and he woke me up to tell me how annoyed he was that I had ruined our first special night together in our home. Throughout our relationship he would often say that I didn’t care or prioritise us as much as he does and I would end up apologising and saying I’ll try harder.

As time went on i realised that I’d made a big mistake as he would be constantly jealous, checking my phone and asking who I was talking to at work. He became more verbally abusive then. I confided in a male colleague at work and I ended up having a fling with him. I thought, stupidly that this might help me escape my relationship but later it turned out he was just using me and didn’t care at all what was happening.

I felt so guilty and confessed to this fling. My partner said he had forgiven me and I was so grateful. Our relationship continued with me making a special effort to focus on us. For a while it was great. Then (detail removed by moderator) we went out as a couple and he attacked me in a bar. It came out of no where. He called me a s**t and a w***e and told me he never wanted to see me again. Some of the customers in the bar had to hold him back and afterwards helped me get home. We separated for (detail removed by moderator) months.

He apologised for this incident eventually saying really that it was my fault because I had cheated on him and he was struggling but that now he has truly forgiven me. He moved back in and again things were wonderful for a while. Gradually our arguments would get worse and if I wanted to see my friends he would become verbally abusive, calling me names and belittling me. Mocking my voice or getting in my face and shouting. Throwing pillows at me then mocking me for being scared. Then one day he smothered me with a pillow. Not for long but long enough to scare the hell out of me. I asked him to leave and this time I was adamant it would be for good. I did not want my children to witness this behaviour. He left but during this time he constantly asked to come back. He said he would get help. He said he was struggling with mental health issues and that he needed me. That he would never let us down again. He said that I was just as bad in arguments and said bad things also. Eventually because I missed him and believed his words he came back. He was back for (detail removed by moderator) this time but…

Eventually I asked him to leave again after two incidents. The first involved him locking me out of my house, then forcefully taking my phone from me and locking me in a bedroom. I tried to get my phone back but he shoved me 5 times. The 5th time he hurt me so badly I couldn’t walk without limping for several days. I eventually retrieved my phone and ran from my house bare footed for half a mile, scared he was following. I stayed at a friends house. When I returned he became suspicious about where I had stayed but was apologetic and said he’d look after me. He also said again that I had been a bit abusive as well and we were as bad as each other. I did not have the energy to argue. I could barely move from the sofa. After a few days my friend asked me if I would like to join her for a few drinks so I did but not until after he had made me feel guilty. That night he picked me up, he said hi to everyone but as soon as we got in the car we argued. I said I wanted to get out. He drove to (detail removed by moderator), stopped the car and shoved me out. Both my legs were stuck (detail removed by moderator) and he had my phone. I screamed for help for 10 minutes but eventually pulled myself free. He said that when I got home I attacked him and should apologise. He said that my memory is not correct because I had been drinking and that he would never do something like that. I am covered in bruises.

The thing is, he can be so amazing and his family are lovely. He’s going through a lot of stress at the moment with his ex partner as she’s taking him to court. He’s so remorseful and is convinced he’s going to change and get better. I’m confused because I start thinking was it actually that bad?

Thanks for listening 😞

[Iwantmeback]

Hi and welcome to the forum. The bit
that sticks out for me his his ex is taking him to court. Notre than likely it’s dure to the exact same treatment he’s giving you. I bet he can control himself when he has to, yet with you, he loses it. I put up with similar behaviour for over 2 decades, I’ve been out for over (detail removed by moderator) months now, and outs been the best thing I ever did. Whenever I have any contact with him, every single time he shows why I did the right thing in leaving him. What you have done today in posting is very brave, so well done. I read I others posts for weeks begire I found the courage to post, terrified he’d find out or someone would know me. My local WA helped me get somewhere to live until my local authority finds me somewhere, but I’m looking at the distinct possibility of moving away for good. It’s only then that I’ll be free of seeing him. Have you started writing down his behaviour. There’s a great book called why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft. Download it if you don’t want a hard copy around for him to find. Practice grey rock if you can’t go full no contact. Good luck and keep posting. It’s just came out in the news today about the 8 stage before a perpetrator kills his partner. My oh fulfils the criteria as does many of our partners and ex’s. Sometimes we can only manage baby steps, keep safe and keep posting. These men don’t change even when they promise you they will and that they’ll get help.
Love and light IWMB 💞💞

[HunkyDory]

Crikey Primrose he’s ticking all the boxes. Well done for seeking advice. He is minimizing his abuse, gaslighting you until you feel like you’re losing your mind, physically assaulted you, blocked you, locked you in, mocked you, jealous, controlling, got an ex taking him to court…. He’s hurt you physically very badly and it won’t get better. Please protect yourself and your children and get him removed. He will constantly try to convince you he’ll change, it’s his mental health issues, it’s the direction the wind is blowing blah blah blah. Don’t fall for it, it’s not true and the lovely persona he lets you see isn’t real. Please try to call the helpline when it’s safe to do so and they’ll help you. Stay safe and take care as this is a dangerous time if you are planning to leave – and I truly hope you are – particularly with men who have already been physically abusive. I have the t shirt plus the physical and mental scars to prove it. Sorry to be so direct but this is reminiscent of what happened to me and I hate to think of another going through it. It’s a good book IWMB has recommended, it will help you see the wood for the trees Xx

[diymum@1]

youve given him more than enough chances xx dont wait until hes broken you down. i waited until i was ready for a breakdown. your not responsible for someone else’s mental health. these men are so damaging all round for you family xx

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