Confused

[Sad sunflower]

I started dating a friend of mine a few weeks ago. He was nice and I thought I was happy. He knows that my ex-fiancé abused me. I told him I wasn’t ready for sex and at first, he understood. However, (detail removed by moderator) went out and I think I drank a bit too much. Long story short, he took me back (detail removed by moderator)  and we had sex. I feel awful right now because I didn’t want to do it, yet I let him talk me into it. 10 minutes into it, I started crying and asked him to stop as he was hurting me (he’s into BDSM) but he wouldn’t, he said to relax and I would eventually enjoy it. I really wasn’t having any of it, he stopped but made me feel guilty. He’s been drinking and calling me all weekend but I just don’t want to talk with him anymore, I don’t know what to do.

[Twisted Sister]

Dear Sad sunflower

I would report him to the police for his forcing you despite your crying an saying,also that you cat stop him calling.

Have you tried rape crisis to talk this through?

Sending you every strength and hand-holding for getting through this. I’m so sorry he assaulted you this way. You’ve done nothing wrong and hea clearly a sexual predator and a risk to other women.

Jeez…you think you know someone! Really does just goes to show doesnt it.

Look after yourself, rest, and recover.

Warmest wishes ts

[Twisted Sister]

Have you told him to stop calling? If you have warn him about contacting the police if he calls again. If that doesn’t stop him, cal the police.

I think you have been so brave to post..keep posting x

[Tiffany]

No contact. Go no contact. Then call rape crisis. It’s bad enough that he pressured you into sex, but that he was hurting you and didn’t stop when you asked is just awful. Also none of this is your fault. I know that you regret going back (detail removed by moderator) with him, but if he was a nice guy, rather than a rapist then you could have gone back (detail removed by moderator) and he wouldn’t have pressured you into sex. It really is ok to withdraw consent at any moment. You can start having sex, and the minute you say stop, if he doesn’t stop it is rape. I know it isn’t portrayed as normal.

My new boyfriend knew I had been abused and that I had issues with intimacy. So the first night when I stayed over I said I didn’t want sex, and so we didn’t. Not only that but he asked for consent before cuddling me, and told me that if I was uncomfortable to tell him and he could either go and sleep on the sofa, or he could drive me home if I wanted to go but was too tired to drive. The first time we had sex it was a disaster and we just stopped. I have withdrawn sex multiple times when I am not able to deal with it emotionally. Sometimes I won’t even kiss him. And once I really did get up in the middle of the night to go home, and he woke up as I got up and offered to drive me if it would be helpful. He’s never guilt tripped me, he’s never pressured me. And do you know what. He isn’t some kind of Saint. He’s just a normal guy, trying to be decent and kind. And we as women should never accept less than that. As abused women we have learned this the hard way. Please don’t give this guy any more of your time or energy. You deserve so much better.

[fizzylem]

Cut contact. He’s not respecting your boundaries, you don’t want to be with anyone who does this, get out now before this gets worse – all this in the early days? What’s next?

[Author]

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