Confusion after abuse

[Sunflowersunset]

New here. I just left my abusive ex a month ago and I am living in a refuge with my (detail removed by moderator). As you all know from your own experiences, this has left me with so many emotions and so much confusion about my emotions and everything that happened in general. How do you stop obsessing over every memory you can think of and stop remembering the good times you had with them in general? I know how he treated me and our son was wrong but I can’t stop replaying the magical moments like when our son was born and how we connected and bonded so much. But in comparison the good times are very small compared to the bad. I can’t help obsessing over the question of did he ever love me? Or was it all fake? I miss the good times with him whole heartedly but he turned so cold. I believe he is a n********t which is what is making it difficult for me to understand how he felt or rather what he felt. Our relationship was initially good but of course there were occasional red flags that I stupidly ignored because I couldn’t help but see the “good” in him. He was always gentle with me and warm, he never shouted and never got angry and certainly never called me any derogatory names,he always came across like he wouldn’t hurt a fly and I could go to him about anything, knowing he’d comfort me. It wasn’t until after our baby was born that the mask slipped off. He learnt how to parent with me at first, we went through the changes together but when baby was around (detail removed by moderator) months old it started going downhill rapidly. I would be left at home with baby all day, every day while he went out met his friends, smoked (later this would turn into addiction), got drunk, went to the gym etc. this is where the arguments started as It felt like I was always begging him for the bare minimum I had no time to myself and was isolated in a different town from my family and friends. Things only escalated from here, it began with him calling me names or gaslighting or manipulating me into thinking I was in the wrong all the time, every time I would bring up an issue he would either get angry or just tell me what I wanted to hear with no action taken to change anything. It got to the point he would take our money to go buy weed and didn’t care what I had to say about it even if it was my own money. Fast forward a month or so he started shouting at me more, spitting at me, punching holes in doors and throwing things about the house, smashing them. I grew up in a home like this and he knew that and I feel he got satisfaction knowing I was triggered by these things. He’d often laugh in my face if he made me cry or tell me it’s all my fault for making him angry. He’d accuse me of cheating (I later found out he cheated on me several times), (detail removed by moderator) He would push me around while I was holding the baby and smash things up, often making the baby scream and cry and shake- this didn’t stop him. I could go on and on but the point is how could somebody that you really connected with, spent so much time with, loved and cherished, let them comfort you in times of need, had all these inside jokes and good memories with..how could that person turn so cold and evil and selfish. I just can’t understand because I was there and I know what we had wasn’t fake, or at least it didn’t feel that way at all. But with the flip of a switch he stopped caring? This is truly the biggest heartbreak I’ve ever had I’ve lost so much weight from loss of appetite and my thoughts won’t stop going in circles. I feel abandoned and alone and the one person I thought actually loved me didn’t. I don’t know how I will ever get over this. I loved him and he broke me.

[Anonymous]

My heart truly goes out to you. I could have written a lot of what you’ve said. Even down to the weight loss and circling thoughts, the little in jokes and feeling like you could go to them for comfort about anything.

I have been out a decent amount of time, but I still feel these feelings you’ve described, I also had a young child when I left which adds another level of complexity and emotions but i believe our children often give us the strength to leave.

I want to encourage you that with time the longing and the physical ache for him, all of the confusion you’re feeling will lessen. It’s still not easy for me, but I look back at when I first left and I am so much stronger now, you will be too. A huge well done for having the strength to leave. I have also learned with time and counselling that the person he was at first was a mask. Ultimately, the bottom line was that it wasnt his true self, even if some bits of it were? How he began to behave after your son was born, that is his true self and he was like that before you met him. He just hid it well, for whatever reasons.

My ex got so much worse once my baby was born too, they think they have you trapped and so they let their mask slip. I would definitely recommend counselling, reading up, the freedom project, local WA groups/courses. Educated yourself as much as you can, it will be hard at first but in time it will begin to sink in and you will see the truth and it will set you free. You are so much stronger than you realise, you will get over this and it will not break you. Take care X

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