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Does anyone have any advice on constant anger and (even) hatred? My partner and I are back together after the abuse (detail removed by Moderator), he’s not abusive anymore, but everything about him now angers me. I’m angry about all the things I lost because of his abuse. He doesn’t have a job and refuses to actively look for one because of Covid-19. I’ve been paying all our bills, our food, our rent for (detail removed by Moderator). I’m tired. I want to live my own life. I’m always the one taking the bins out, going to the shops, doing all the boring adult stuff that needs doing. And very often in arguments, I end up just crying because what I want to say is that I hate him and I want him gone, but I know I can’t say that.
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Then he needs to be gone or you need to be. And he is still abusive. Just more covertly now. He changed tactics and he is financially abusing you as well. So what’s stopping you from calling this quits? It won’t get better, btw.
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We sit and spin when we don’t need to. At some point we just have to call it what it is and then make a decision to make things better for ourselves. You didn’t take him to raise. He’s a grown man and it’s not your responsibility how soiled his little diaper is. If it were me, I’d kick him out if at all possible. Go find someone else because I’m not interested in your noise anymore.
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Love that Braelynn (‘go find someone else because I’m not interested in your noise anymore’).
(detail removed by Moderator)
Totally off topic but I’ve read some really good books recently ‘the women who loves too much’ and ‘love and addiction’… oh and ‘the body keeps the score’. All really good reads and the former two perhaps a step away from reading about abuse etc.
Second time in an abusive relationship (physical) and this time around I find I’m more interested in me and examining my motives/my emotional well being and growth. Last time it was all about trying to understand HIM.Now – he is not my problem. Maybe not that off topic!?
Turn that anger into resolve.
x*x
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Same-again – I like it!! Now you’re getting on track! Knowledge is power and it turns the locks in our minds, gets the gears going. You just continue to take care of you! XX
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Hi I totally agree with Braelynn. I found tactics changed, less outright crazy behaviour to more subtle but all the work he had put in with the fear inducing behaviour had done its job and I was sucked in without even realising it, do you think this is why you are angry? You know it’s not right. I am also paying for everything but you know it never stops. You think you are being reasonable but he takes and spins and takes. I am just waiting to sell the house to get out of here. I also feel even if everything miraculously was fine the damage has been done x
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(detail removed by Moderator)
I remember a time that I was very angry, and that was with myself. I was in a situation with my abuser that I had got myself in to, against all the advice off everyone who knew us and knew what our relationship was like. I had been free of him, and then I went and put myself in a situation where I ended up in an even worse situation than I was before. In all honesty, I have to accept some responsibility for that, I made bad choices. OK, I made them for what I thought were the right reasons – that my son needed a father in his life – but they were still my choices. I know what they say about victim blaming, but some of the situations I was in were based on my choices and I do accept some of the responsibility for how things worked out for me.
So some of this anger you have could be for that reason too. He’s still being abusive, I’m not excusing that at all, but are you angry with yourself for being back in this situation when you were out of it?
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Hi Unicorn
“Does anyone have any advice on constant anger and (even) hatred?”
Yes.
Act on it.
You already got rid of this specimen and with textbook tactics he slimed his way back into your life. You didn’t like the guy when you got shot of him, and guess what, you still don’t.
Anger and hatred is reactive. You need to be proactive. Decide you want rid, then decide how.
Don’t run headlong into walls when you can step round them. Is he on the lease? Can you get him removed? Is his name on any bills? Get his name removed. Do you share a bank account? Transfer all the money to a new account. Be sly. Get quietly organised.
He can’t refuse to leave – especially when you can prove his a freeloader. You’re not married. Nor are you responsible for where he goes after you’ve put his stuff in bin bags and changed the locks.
I think your biggest hurdle is self-doubt. Why can’t you tell him that you hate him and want him gone? Why is it you think he’s not abusive any more? And why do you think you have to put up with his sh*t just because you don’t label it as abuse?
You don’t need to learn how to control your anger. I think it’s completely justified x
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