Constant inuendos

[Iamwoman]

Hi
I’m probably not being abused as such but I don’t feel comfortable with the way my husband thinks/talks of sex. Every conversation somehow in his eyes relates to sex. He constantly asks in his crude way to show him my t**s. Pulls my pj bottoms down to see what underwear I have on and comments. I day he has no right but he says we are married so there us no harm in it. He watches me dress in the mornings. I sometimes take my clothrs to change after a shower in the bathroom but he cimments on that. When watching tv whatwver is happening he relates it to me and my past ( I won’t tell him how many others befote him but he days he has tbe right to know) Life is all about sex to him. He tells me to lighten up and stop being a prude. He says I bet you never saud no to other men. I’m just not happy.
Is this normal please?

[Iamwoman]

please excuse typos. Im typing on a phone quickly

[KIP.]

Hey there. Anything that makes you feel anxious or uncomfortable is not ok. He is actually sexually assaulting you. My ex used to do things that I felt really uncomfortable with. When I told him, he would say I was frigid or he was just joking. Unwanted sexual attention of any kind from anyone is not ok. I also used to jump out of bed when I heard him stirring so that I avoided sexual assaults in the morning. It’s shocking how was changed our behaviour because of their abuse. Ask yourself if he would have behaved like this on a first date? No. Abuse creeps up on us over time and we begin to minimise it. That fact that your are on this forum seeking help is all the proof you need. Keep posting and reading other posts on here.

[Ariel]

This is not normal and I feel it will get worse and escalate. I don’t know your situation but I think you should really think about how this might end and if you want a man like that in your life forever. Being your husband doesn’t mean he owns you and can do what he likes whenever he feels like it. X*x

[Serenity]

My ex used to do things like that. A few times, he even told me it was ‘impossible’ to rape your wife ( suggesting it was his right to have sex whenever he wanted).

I used to tell myself that his antics like pinging my bra and lifting my skirt were immaturity, but I wish I had looked more at he fact that his actions signified a lack
of respect and feelings of entitlement.

His actions in themselves are very wrong and invasive, and I imagine that they go along with his feelings of entitlement in other areas of the relationship?

A man who behaves like this is basically objectivising a woman and ignoring her feelings and her right to dignity.

[Iamwoman]

Thank you for your replies Kip Ariel and Serenity.
When I was (detail removed by Moderator) I had my skirt pulled down by a bully in front of assembly and that scarred me. Husband said it is about time I got over that but when he pulls down my pjs it makes me uncomfortable. I won’t say what he says of sex but when I disagree with him I’m told to lighten up and get a sense of humour?
I have endometriosis and sex hurts. He says I should want him to have pleasure….
He insists on knowing what underwear I have on….

[danicali]

sexual control can be a form of abuse, yes, particularly if he forces you to do things you dont want to do. for him to say things like “i bet you did that with other men” it’s quite loaded and rude. i mean, what did he do with other women? sounds deflective to me

try to think of areas outside the sex where he might be just as controlling – maybe you don’t quite see it yet but often it’s not just sexual control but all sorts of emotional abuse, headworking, etc – many women dont realise until later just how abusive their ex was x

[iwillbeok]

Hi Iamwoman,

I didn’t realise until I got out of my abusive relationship that he was actually sexually manipulative. It seems strange to say that even now – it was obvious when things escalated towards the end, but now I see that even during our ‘okay’ times he was always putting a sexual slant on jokes, he would come up behind me when washing up for example and grope me, sometimes pinching . If I squirmed or said it hurt – I had no sense of humour, or he told me it didn’t hurt (??!!). He would always say “If I can’t grope my wife, who can I grope?”. His so-called sexual advances were requests for blow jobs – in the end he said he was tired of always initiating intimacy! There was very little ‘affecfion’ – hugging, hand holding or kissing.

I worked out he would wait for my period before initiating intimacy- in a very loving way and then either ‘joke’ I had a lover or fish for compliments (yeah, why would you want me?)…

It can be so subtle and undermining that you don’t even see it while it’s happening. But iamwoman, your story is ringing alarm bells for me…

Take care and keep posting- I have found this place to be so safe and accepting and have learnt that a lot of what I thought was ‘normal’ just isn’t!

x

[Iamwoman]

Thanks Dan and Ican.

I’m actually sat in the bathroom sobbing right now. Ican, mine says I have no sense of humour??
He is on all accounts a sexual deviant but would never admit that.
I earn more money than he does and pay all tbe bills so don’t need him financially.
There is a huge gap of (detail removed by Moderator) years in my story that I won’t go into but he is now here for our daughter and I have stepkids and grandkids that would take his side if we split again.
He is a saint to the outside world.A long long story but its the here and now I can’t cope with…

[livingonaprayer]

Hi, i have had the same situation. I have had to live with my ex for a while. He was very persausive at the start, insisted we carried on with certain things to keep things ‘as normal as possible’ while i was still living there with our son. I contacted womens aid and they told me this was manipulative. He would give me long lectures on how i’ve destroyed his life and he still has wants and needs because he is so frustrated with the situation. I have had to start sleeping on the sofa or at a friends cos he constantly wants ‘hugs’ or to grope me, its all about Sex to him! Sorry this is long but it is so wrong that they feel they can disrespect us like this! I have said no so many times and he guilts trip me cos i am planning on getting a place asap! Please speak to someone, it took me a long time to realise this was coercive behaviour! X

[older lady]

I know abuse is a difficult word, but it means to ‘use wrongly’. If he touches you and it makes you feel uncomfortable, if he does things to you that you don’t want him to, he is misusing you, isn’t he. It might seem like a normal thing, because it happens to many women, but that doesn’t mean its something that a woman should have to tolerate. I agree with you that he has no right to behave that way, and being called a ‘husband’ doesn’t give him the right to misuse you because there IS harm in this behaviour.

[Nova]

…If hes doing any thing to upset you its not ok, to pass it off as a ‘joke’
is a typical shield people use when confronted with their unacceptable behaviour.

role reverse…you wouldn’t pull his trousers down to see what undies he had on, as you said he did to you..or other such acts. Its disrespectful, a husband doesn’t own his wife. Regardless of rubbish that comes out of their mouths, its all the ‘world according to’ behaviour.

Totally unacceptable, you know when someone is being playful, loving & funny or just weird and threatening, its v different, your describing the latter…there’s such a thing as personal space, if you choose to get changed in the bathroom, like I did, many times, and didn’t want to sleep next to him…that’s our business! my ex used to stare me out when getting changed, it didn’t feel cool, he was leching for his own gratification, not a joint sexy togetherness of a mutually adult sexual relationship…more like a pervert.

Within time, all this behaviour is a turn off…its then our turn to say, actually, I don’t want you either!

Like they have to feel its theirs if they want it, or not! these ‘men’ are Seriously deluded, I reckon most are inadequate sexually, they do all this childish hurtful behaviour to turn us off/further control/distance/give them a excuse to further abuse/become the victim & elevate themselves into this sexual frustrated being all rejected…when in reality they’re so not, just pathetic.

Its NOT ok.

Cx

[Velveteenbun]

That is disgusting. I am sick and tired of men treating women like objects. Reading that makes me so angry. How dare men behave like that. He has absolutely no right to do any of that and a real man wouldn’t. Real men don’t need to degrade women to make themselves feel better. It doesn’t matter that you are married you are still entitled to privacy and you have a right to say no to anything you don’t want.

[livingonaprayer]

Its almost like because you’re married or have been in a long term relationship that they feel they have a right to do or act how they want. My ex still grabs me and pushes me again things to kiss me! They have this way of making you feel like you’re being silly or petty! But no means no! Stand your ground. I’ve often worried so much to do this! Scared of the consequences but you’re not in the wrong! If it feels uncomfortable then thats how you feel! Noone can tell you different! Xx

[Iamwoman]

Hi and thanks for your replies. I hear you livingonaprayer. My husband (long story) was my ex once upon a time and still thought he could comment or touch. (I made my bed….by going back but did it for our daughter who hardly saw him but now other than the side of the marriage that I am uncomfortable with, the family side is perfect. So perfect that I feel lucky). I don’t know what life will be like when our daughter leaves home which I hope she doesn’t for a very long time. It is the here and now that matters.
I just don’t like comments of what I am wearing to work, wearing under my clothes, wearing to bed. He says at my age I should be lucky that he still finds me attractive and should be happy not angry with him every time he comments. I’m not afraid of him but he just will not listen to me when I voice my anger at his l**h ways….
We do not have the same sense of humour. He thinks he is right and I think I am right. No compromising from both sides. I do not find sexual innuendos funny. He ought to grow up.
Thanks again all x

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