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Hi
New here and just looking some support with women in a similar situation. I recently left an abusive relationship to protect my baby as any mother would not want a young baby in that environment. However, no one could ever prepare me for the wave mixture of emotions that follow especially on contact days with his ‘dad’. He never bonded with him and didn’t take much to do with him whenever we all lived under the one roof and now we have left he thinks he’s daddy of the year wanting quality time. However, I left a toxic environment so my son would not be exposed to that behaviour and yet the system just puts them back in that environment so they can build a relationship with the dad. Contact days are a struggle for me emotionally I wake up with an awful dread and anxiety which affects me the rest of the day I find I’m more irritable and have less patience because I know where my baby is going and how he will be treated. He has another daughter who he loves so much and does everything for her but leaves our son out which no one would want for their child. When my baby comes home he has became very distressed hard to settle and extremely clingy to the point he will only sleep in beside me which is unusual as he loves his own space in the cot. I have noticed we have more frequent night wakenings and is hard to settle during the night also only on contact days. This has added to the stress of handing baby over even if it is only for a few hours.
How do you mothers cope with still having to deal with your abuser after leaving the relationship with a baby? How do yous keep it together and deal with behavioural changes in your baby (and when they get older) as I’m afraid this will have a knock on effect on my baby as my biggest fear is he’ll think abusive behaviour is acceptable being exposed to it on his ‘dads’ side?
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Hi Greendino,
Welcome to the forum. I hope you find this a supportive place to be. Many women here will be able to relate to what you are going through. Unfortunately it is not uncommon for abusers to use child contact to continue the control after the relationship has ended.
It may be worth engaging with your local domestic abuse service as they can advise around this. They may be able to link you to specialist legal advise too. Explain to them your concerns around your baby’s welfare when in his care.
Also, Rights of Women are a voluntary organisation offering free, confidential legal advice on matters including family law, domestic abuse, children and child contact issues. Their Family law advice line can advise around domestic abuse; divorce, finances, cohabitation and property in relationship breakdown; parental responsibility and child arrangements.
The Coram Children’s Legal Centre provide free legal resources with advice and information on all aspects of family, child and education law, including relationship breakdown; parental disputes, duties of children’s services; child protection. They can be contacted on 0300 330 5480 (8am-6pm, Mon-Fri).
It is understandable that you have concerns, so trust your gut and know your doing the right thing by acting in the best interest of you child’s well-being. Hopefully, soon other women here can start to share their experiences with you around child contact to give you added perspective and clarity. You are not alone in this.
All the best,
Lisa
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Hi Greendino
I know that feeling that you feel too well sadly. Its such a huge wrench and upheaval doing all thats involved in getting away, but to then have services push your child back into it, and now without you around to see /protect them.
Handling those strong feelings can test the strongest amongst us.
I can only offer that acting on your feelings will at least give you an avenue for them to go down, and use them to drive you forward to acting, speaking to necessary parties involved in your baby’s care, like health visitor, GP, etc. and reporting the change in his behaviour to them, asking for advice, and saying you feel instinctively that contact is causing distress to him, and can only see it getting worse in the resultant behavour management for your child. Its building up problems that you are the one that will have to deal with them.
If you withdraw all contact, and write to him to explain why, also maybe raise this with the police if you are fearful of escalation from him?
As Lisa has said, your local DA should be able to support and advise.
Do take good care of yourself too, asyou need to prioritise your own care and support yourself with the distress this is causing you.
Keep talking and finding your way. We’re here for you.
warmest wishes
ts
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Look at legalaid, you may be eligible even if you work due to the domestic abuse.
They do a means test on you to see if you qualify.
You could then ask a solicitor to look at a non-molestation order, to stop yourself being harassed by ex, and also a prohibited steps order to prevent unsupervised contact with child and ex.This would be if dad is a danger to child, but also you can say that the contact gives him opportunity to harass you as well.
If he ever claimed he would commit suicide if you left, bring that up too as that is a good reason to not allow contact.
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