Contact book issues

[MsTaken]

Hi ladies,
After leaving my abusive relationship I am left with mental health, financial, social and isolation problems. I am trying to work through these but for the past few years he has used our children to control where I live and where I work and things. I felt very weak before and was unable to fight for my freedom but now I’m trying to build my life even tho I feel like a prisoner. Recently I said to him (Detail removed by moderator) This involved the use of a contact book which he has stuck to. However everything he writes is coming across as digging at me. To someone else I feel what he’s writing sounds normal, but to me he’s picking at different wounds and laughing at the situation he’s forced me in to. I’m struggling with how to reply to these comments. I’m trying to stick to just what concerns the kids but he’s backing me into a corner suggesting that he can look after them better than myself. For example, he’s arranging events for my children to go to when they should be with me and because of the situation I’m in I can’t take them. This is leaving me to either say they can’t go (but he’s already got them excited about it) or he can take them (which is what he wants so he can look better Infront of our kids). I know it looks petty but it’s happening on a regular basis. My life is full of hospital appointments, financial hardship and fears of going outside which are all due to him and he comments on these things making me feel like a bad parent. I panic when I’m due to get the book back because it sets me back with all the therapy and help I’ve had. I know people would say to just ignore him but it hits me like a hammer every time and I’m forced into reading it. I know this is my fault because I’ve let this happen but I feel like I’m never going to have my freedom. Please help X

[Chickadee]

Hi MsTaken

Wow. I can totally relate. It’s like your writing a part of mine.

He will use whatever he can to control you, including the children. It is intense control, it is being held prisoner. Your not free to be you. Your not free to make real choices. To people that don’t understand abuse/control or simply don’t care and want to turn a blind eye to it, they won’t acknowledge it for what it is.That makes them no better then the person doing it, it makes them the same.

With the contact/schedule book that your referring to, stop him in his tracks. Don’t let him go off on tangents it gives him more to toy with. A high level abuser will utilize any inch that you give them and take it a mile using it against you and to make a mess.

If you have an attny or legal counsel tell them he is arranging activities or what not during your designated time. Under most laws, he is not allowed to do that.

An abuser will intentionally schedule things knowing that you can not comply with the schedule. They do it to undermine, control, make you look bad. It serves many advantage points for them. And your left trying to balance your work schedule, make money, not lose your job, and wanting to be with your kids. It is a win/win situation for the abuser. If you can’t make it and say yes, they tally it up to use it against you. And yes, your the bad guy that has to tell your kids you can’t make it or they can’t go for something that should not have been done that way in the first place. Appointments are also scheduled by an abuser during the other parents visiting time to cut the parents time with the children, cuts into bonding. And an abuser will try to write off anything that is tedious or they consider a task and a waste of their fun/play time. I understand what your saying about it becoming a frequent occurence, they do that to write it iff of themselves and infringe on enjoyment/downtime of your parenting time. Stand your ground. If he has them a lot, he should do most of it. If you have split time, split covering appts between the two of you. Get bonding time with your kids. And while you can do it during appts, as that is part of parenting as well, you also need the downtime, fun, hang out time.

Fears of going outside. Panic when you have to open and do the book (read/deal with his twisted garbage). Your in trauma stress disorder.

It is not your fault. Thinking so is part of the stress trauma cast upon you by the abuser.

For the stress….find something for just you, yorself, self love, self esteem, inner strength. You will also see this get better as you stand up for yourself and gain your own life, freedom, and take back your own power. The power to live your life and be you.

[Iwon]

Hi there I had the same problem and my heart goes out to you. I was left with same problems as you. They are control freaks and don’t put child first. I am doing freedom programme with womens aid which is helping me get stronger in dealing with him. I don’t verbally communicate. Only in writing and I am the resident parent so I tell him when he sees them. One a child is 10 they have say where they go. I wanted bond to be less with our son with him as he twists his mind a lot. Our child sees him clearly now without any bad mouthing from me as he sees him lying and badmouthing his mom for no reason. I know it so hard with abusers. Read up on parallel parenting as coparenting is impossible with an abusers x

[Author]

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