Controlling behaviour

[Lookingforpeace]

This is my first post, and I really just want to hear others views on this as I’m having a hard time dealing with it. My partner has always acted in a particular way towards me. She would start an argument because I disagree with her view on something and then she would get angry and aggressive. Then storm out of the room, slamming the door, and wait for me to follow her. Then she would curl into a ball and cry uncontrollably for a long period of time, saying I have hurt her again. This has been a pattern throughout our relationship, alongside having to walk on eggshells around her anger, making sure I’m not triggering another bout of rage. The only way to end the incident would be to sit with her, apologise, admit I was wrong and ‘make it better’.
I feel this has destroyed me and destroyed our relationship. I have always had to swallow my own hurt and my own feelings and ‘take back’ what I said, even though this was what I felt. I recently have been feeling very low and sad, crying every day, feeling like I don’t know who I am anymore. Some talking therapy has helped me realise that I’m not happy in my relationship, which I recently voiced to my partner. She didn’t take it well and said what is the point of going on. She has realised that her own historic trauma has impacted on her behaviour and has apologised and taken responsibility for her actions. This was a big thing for me as she always blamed me for being the one who ‘caused’ her outbursts. It was quite shocking to hear her say this as I’ve always been made to feel as if it was all my fault. I don’t know how to process this, and can’t stop feeling sad and alone.

[Tudorite2023]

Hello,
Yes, your partner’s behaviour has been abusive. If you always feel sad and alone with this individual, and she has abused you, you need to leave.
Now, I’d like to address this sentence in your post: “She has realised that her own historic trauma has impacted on her behaviour and has apologised and taken responsibility for her actions.”

No, she hasn’t. She has realised that you are increasingly aware of her problematic behaviour and considering leaving. This apology is fake and designed to keep you from leaving.
If she has abused you, she does not love you and never did. It’s a hard pill to swallow, but swallowing the pill is the path to freedom.
(detail removed by Moderator)
Kind regards
(name removed by Moderator)

[Lisa]

Hi Lookingforpeace,

Thank you for your post and welcome to the forum. I hope you find the forum a safe and supportive place to be with others who understand.

If you feel like you are in need of some additional support, you could chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service (open every day). They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you. You can access the chat service here: https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/

Do keep posting to let us know how you’re getting on.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[weather]

Dear Lookingforpeace,

I am sorry to hear about what you’ve had to endure. Domestic abuse is a very lonely and isolating experience. I can’t advise or tell you what to do; as it’s entirely your decision to make the choices you’d like to undertake. I can only share parts of my own story and hope that it helps you to feel less isolated. I was also with a partner that ended up blaming me for his addictions and actions. I knew deep down that my ex-husband wasn’t the right person for me, and I was also desperately lonely and often sad in my relationship with him. It took me years of abuse to finally end my marriage and attempt to walk away. It wasn’t easy as I have an abusive family and had nowhere else to go for support, so was made homeless essentially when I left my marital home. I sometimes wonder how I got away and the sheer luck I had. With all that blame and sadness came my freedom. I have moments when I think about my marriage and then, the clarity resurfaces again and I remember what I left behind. I’m hoping that you resolve your issues and ultimately find some peace, as suggested in your username.

Take good care and see if you can look forward,

Weather

[Lookingforpeace]

Thanks both for responding to my post. I’ve always suspected that all was not right and called it abuse in my mind. But it was recently when my counsellor named it as coercive control that it gave me a jolt. I’m at a crossroads now and can’t seem to push myself to the point I need to end the relationship. She is pushing me to make things work and show her I love her, but she can also see that my heart isn’t in it. I don’t think she quite understands what it has been like for me, trying to get through life with the constant cycle of her moods and controlling behaviour. She would prefer to see it as us both being at fault. So many times I have been pushed to the brink of hating myself, pushing my feelings down, telling myself it’s not abuse. Looking at the anger in her face, which she tells me is not anger but hurt. It really felt like anger to me, and verbal abuse, always pushing me to comfort her when she was spiraling. But how is that a loving relationship, lashing out and forcing the other person to apologise for making you angry. What was making her angry was always me expressing my opinion, which she always interpreted as a criticism. She wouldn’t be happy until I agreed with what she was saying and that I said that yes, that was what I really felt, even though I didn’t. There’s nothing left of me now.
I went to my GP to find out why every day I cried whilst driving to work. Now I know why, but I feel stuck, like I can’t prioritise my own happiness. I have come close over the last few days to letting her know how I really feel, but because I have held myself back for years I can’t seem to let it out. I almost feel like I have no right to do this. I don’t know what is wrong with me that I can’t look after myself and am too worried about what will happen if I’m totally honest with her. I feel so sad and lonely and scared.

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