Coping with the guilt

[itwillbeokay]

Hello,

I’m having to tell my husband that he will need to apply for arrange safe visitation with our two young children due to his behaviour in recent weeks giving me cause for concern that they cannot see him unsupervised. Drinking messages in the night unpredictable nature and tone etc. It will all be my fault as he is the victim and I have taken the children away. He hasn’t seen them in weeks but hasn’t really tried to. I tried to facilitate an every other weekend handover but it broke down I think when he realised I wasn’t going to return. I know he struggles with my low and currently no contact but I don’t respond to abusive messages or threatening ones or hoovering ones or anything not about contact with the children so he gets more and more frustrated. I feel absolutely horrible that whilst our new life is happy and going from strength to strength his is probably quite awful, he is alone apart from his parents and brother who frankly are the same and probably the reason he’s like he is whereas I have wonderful support around me. He has no job and no money, I have a new job I absolutely love. We are happy. But I feel so horrible about him. And now what I’m about to do to him aswell, literally refuse to let our children go to him, I have never done this before. I wanted it to work but it isn’t. Due to his behaviour not my vindictiveness which is what he will think and say. I feel so so so sad and guilty underneath the happiness I feel in our new life. I feel so horrible. Oh and my oldest has just walked in with a picture of his Daddy. He mentions him but never asks when he will see him. It’s all very hard. How do you deal with the never ending guilt of breaking up a family. One that he wasn’t hugely involved with anyway, not really, I mean, he was there, but not there if you know what I mean. Not working so there. But not there.

Xx

[Lisa]

Hi itwillbeokay,

It’s natural for you to feel this way, for it to feel uneasy to be taking this action. You have become used to feeling responsible for him, but you are not, he is an adult who is responsible for himself. These feeling are all ok and normal, but please try to remind yourself that this guilt is misplaced; that it was not your actions that caused this outcome. It was and continues to be his abusive actions that has caused all of this, you are simply trying your best to cope with what he has caused.
Perhaps try reading your posts as if they were written by someone else- would you think that woman should feel guilt?

Please try to focus on yourself and be proud of what you have achieved. You have got through his abuse and you are protecting your children. It is undoubtedly extremely challenging parenting through this, but it sounds like you’re doing brilliantly. I hope that with time these uncomfortable feelings subside and you feel more at peace.

Kind Regards,

Lisa

[Iwantmeback]

Thats great advice Lisa, reading the posts as if written by someone else., helps to put things i go perspective more

[Iwantmeback]

Into not i go

[Goldengirl]

Hi. Big hugs to you. I’ve been where you are now. My children are now youths. What I didn’t realise until we split up was the children were not blind or immune to what was happening. I am so glad I got them out when I did. They grew to be well rounded individuals with good values and good self esteem. I too felt guilt about breaking up the family. Could I have done more? I came to realise the guilt I was feeling was not just in splitting up our family but also in the choices I had made. Over time, I have come to realise not one thing was my fault but all his. He made bad choices. He made life unbearable. He was the problem. It has taken quite a while but I feel no guilt whatsoever anymore. I am lucky in that my children were young but not little when things got bad. So, they understood better when we split up. Stick to your guns. You know what is best for your children where their father is concerned. One day you will look back and realise you were right to make certain conditions and you, too, will stop feeling guilty. You have more strength than you realise at the moment. Your name says it all. You WILL be ok.

[Author]

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