Could it turn physical after all these years?

[Confusedmumma]

Been together for many years, have children, married,  house etc. His way of releasing frustration towards me is to use his words , I have asked him to stop this and he is trying. I have noticed since the words have become less cruel (mostly, not always), that there have been other things that concern me. For example moving my things that have been left out to an inconvenient place when I have asked him not to (busy mum, work, college, I don’t always get to things as quickly as he’d like). In an argument he threw something soft at my face in frustration. There was no need for it to be an argument in the first place but he wasn’t happy as an minor accident happened (my fault) causing a bit of a mess and when he got shouty over it, I stuck up for myself which I don’t normally but I’ve had enough. He’d normally use his words here whereas whilst he was shouting, there was no direct name calling so I do believe he is trying. Could him holding back on the words as an outlet cause his way of getting the outlet to change or am I being dramatic? It was only something very soft that got thrown but was the way it was done so close to my face and in front of the kids whilst shouting that got to me and left me feeling shaken. He apologised and said he did it because he was trying to help me and I gave him attitude. My kids don’t deserve to see this and he has said he’ll leave if I ask him (he said before that he wouldn’t go anywhere until forced out essentially) but I panic when it comes to asking him to go as the unknown is scary and I worry what reaction it will trigger. He is a good man overall and the kids love having him around but not when he switches like this. He has said he’ll go but that I have to tell him to so it is a lot of responsibility for me to make such a big decision on my own and have the whole decision on my shoulders.

[EvenSerpentsShine]

Some of the small details you mention (I’m thinking of him moving some of your things to a less convenient location) do certainly have to be negotiated in any relationship and certainly don’t signify either a healthy or unhealthy relationship. For a tidy person ‘clutter’ or things being left out, can be extremely disturbing and unpleasant. It makes some people really miserable to live like that and they will ‘tidy up’ after other person. I would certainly say that a compromise on both sides may need to happen around this.
Using insulting language towards someone is a different ball game though isn’t it. But if he’s changing,and you’ve agreed as a couple that you’ll stay in the relationship if certain things change, then  all you can do is give him opportunity to do this and see how it goes. You can’t ask for more than that. But you’re right that you need to keep an eye on it (removed by Moderator). But, you obviously feel that you want to give this relationship your best shot, and it seems like he feels the same, so maybe it’s fair to do that.

You don’t mention in this post much about the history of this relationship so maybe there’s more you haven’t mentioned, but taking this post on face value, it’s seems like you’re working on your marriage and it’s ok?

[minimeerkat]

this isnt to alarm you but gives an honest answer to your question – which then helps increase your awareness & knowledge.  but yes this can happen even after decades (personal experience) & usually begins with acts such as throwing things.  because an abusive partner may have been able to control you in a certain way for so long & then perhaps something happens to ‘threaten’ that control they have had over you – just things like you standing up for yourself or questioning them or not doing something they have asked you to do.  then any kind of physical acts shown can therefore be a warning from them that you are stepping out of line.  only you know how out of character this might have been & whether you felt your partner was genuinely remorseful – you will then feel more convinced this was definitely a one off .  if though this behaviour has deep down felt unsettling in any way your gut feelings from now on will hopefully be your guide & help keep you safe

there is always the live chat on this site if you felt talking to someone would help you more x

 

[Confusedmumma]

Thank you for the replies, yes we have been working to try and bring our marriage back for quite some time now. I do feel bad that I can’t keep up with his tidy standards and try so hard as I know it bothers him. I say we’re trying hard,  he tells me that I am not and that he gets nothing from me, I completely get why he feels this as I’m working so hard to try and let my guard back down in terms of wanting to feel connected to him again but have explained that I am struggling to move past the things he has said to me and way he creates such an atmosphere in the home when in a mood ( I know this is down this me to work on but every time I feel I’m getting somewhere and start seeing a future he kicks off again and I feel back to square one). I feel my gut is screaming one thing to me and my brain is arguing back telling me not to be stupid and turn our lives upside down. I’m hoping I’m just dramatising in my own head but I did feel very uneasy last night and have a few times, he’s never been physical though, the furthest that has ever got was slamming things in frustration. Thanks for the replies ladies, I know it is for me to get my head around but it helps to get it out of your head and into writing sometimes so thanks for reading and replying.

[EvenSerpentsShine]

Don’t get me wrong here, I think throwing something at someone’s face (even if it is a soft thing) is a contemptuous thing to do. I wouldn’t do it to any of my friends or family.
BUT, it sounds like, from what you’ve said, that you need to feel that when and if you end this relationship that you really understand why and that you’ve ‘tried your best’, and maybe that, in order not to be tempted to leave, go back, leave, go back etc you really want to have it straight in your own mind.

Obviously your safety is key, but it may be that he shows his true colors the more you insist on maintaining your boundaries. You do have the right to add to these by saying ‘don’t throw things at me’ too of course.

[nbumblebee]

Hey I felt I needed to reply. I sounded very similar to you 3 years ago when i first found this site. I didnt want to read the answers nor believe what people here were saying. I too have been married decades kids house the works. (timeframe removed by Moderator) i noticed things like you have said. Then it got worse much worse all of a sudden out of the blue. Ive been trying to hold on to my marriage since then. The past (timeframe removed by Moderator) its been fine but I cant forgive him and i cant forgive myself.

I have so many health conditions linked to stress im a shadow of who i once was. And im stuck here now. I didnt listen i didnt want to believe i didnt even trust my gut.

Something inside of you knows things are wrong or you wouldnt be here. Listen to that voice.

In answer to your question. Yes yes it can.

Much love xxxxx

[Enidblyton]

My husband of decades threw a soft toy, really hard in my face and that is the first time I reached out for help. Even though he had never been physical before, he did get extremely aggressive to the point, the public/taxi drivers. Even his friends asked – does he hit you? When he threw the soft toy it was in front of our daughter, I asked myself, is this how I want her future relationships to look? I had an honest chat with my grown up boys, they said, you need to leave. And I realised all them years they had been holding it in and I stupidly thought I was playing happy families for their benefit. I’d leave. And be very careful about what you believe in the process of leaving, as my ex promised me the world and I went back. When I did, he was worse. Much worse. Don’t wait for it to get to that point. Good luck and take care.

[BellaBella]

It can.

My abuse started with a certain look, progressed to vile language, hidden objects, broken possessions, things thrown at me, (specific detail removed by Moderator), to a slap, a punch, multiple punches, a scalding, a kicking, an assault on my child and so on.

It took years and years but by the time it had escallated from things that could be mitigated with ‘sorry, I didn’t mean it’,  I was so lost there was nothing I could do to protect myself or my daughter.

I’m not saying that it will escallate for you, I’m saying that it can. I wish now that I had ran at the first sign, everything in my gut told me that it was a red flag, but I listened to the excuses and apologies and made it all better.

What I know now is that there are certain behaviours that are wholly unaccaptable under any circumstances. Be clear with your boundaries and if they are broken, listen to your gut and don’t minimise unaccetable behaviors.

It’s good that you are here and asking the question now 🙂

Take good care x

[Confusedmumma]

Thank you so much for the advice and input. I have read them all and will keep them in mind as things progress.

[Confusedmumma]

Also just to say I’m sorry to read other people’s stories, they help to know we’re not alone but it is sad to read what others have been through too x

[Author]

Posts