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So, after 60 million long rants at me about how I am so horrible, we are going for couples’ counselling this week. I hadn’t wanted to but actually, we can’t have a discussion between the two of us about any of the behaviour as I just get shouted down. (detail removed by moderator)! I am almost willing him to call me names in front of someone else so that they can see what he is like! He has a chronic long term illness so that makes everything very complicated, but it really isn’t all ok. I just keep telling myself that whatever happens, this doesn’t mean that I have to stay put.
Seeing my counsellor tomorrow, so hoping to gather my strength then. Have written down exactly how I feel, so hope that I can read that out.
Any thoughts/ inspiration / experience of anything similar?
Thanks as always xx -
Please be careful with couples counselling.
“couples-counselingTherapy can be very effective for some couples who are working through difficult relationship issues. However, if abuse is present in the relationship, we do not recommend that couples seek counseling together.
In order for couples counseling to be successful, both partners must be willing to take responsibility for their actions and make adjustments to their behavior. Abusive people want all of the power and control in the relationship and will focus on maintaining that imbalance, even if it means continuing unhealthy and hurtful behavior patterns. Many callers to the Hotline have related stories of trying and “failing” at couples counseling because of an abusive partner’s focus on manipulating the sessions to place blame, minimize the abuse, and attempt to win over the therapist to their side. If the therapist tries to hold the abusive partner accountable for these tactics, they will often refuse to attend further sessions and may even forbid their partner to see the “biased” therapist again. The abusive partner may even choose to escalate the abuse because they feel their power and control was threatened.
The primary reason we don’t recommend couples counseling is that abuse is not a “relationship” problem. Couples counseling may imply that both partners contribute to the abusive behavior, when the choice to be abusive lies solely with the abusive partner. Focusing on communication or other relationship issues distracts from the abusive behavior, and may actually reinforce it in some cases. Additionally, a therapist may not be aware that abuse is present and inadvertently encourage the abuse to continue or escalate.
Both partners should feel and be safe in order for therapy to be effective. A victim may not feel safe with their abuser present and could be hesitant to fully participate or speak honestly during counseling sessions. Alternatively, a victim may have a false sense of security during a session and reveal information they normally wouldn’t disclose. Then, back at home, the abusive partner could decide to retaliate with more abuse.”
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My experience of couples counselling ‘if the therapist tries to hold the abusive partner accountable for these tactics, they will often refuse to attend further sessions and may even forbid their partner to see the “biased” therapist again‘ – exactly that. So we stopped going after a couple of sessions.
Then I started seeing my own counsellor for my ‘anxiety’ – I chose a male counsellor because I knew it would make my ex more comfortable. Ironically its this male counsellor that really made me see the abuse!
Good luck abzxyz – but with your eventual escape, not couples counselling!
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You are all such a god send .. I can’t thank you enough. I had a really good session with my own counsellor today and know that I need to get out .. for me this couples stuff is more so that I actually get the chance to say anything. He won’t like it, and no doubt I will pay for it with more verbal abuse, but at least he won’t be so surprised if I leave in a couple of weeks. Thank you SO much x*x
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Just to let you know …it was ok … i was very worried about it, but it was ok. The therapist said that he had been bullying and had turned into a monster in my eyes (hurrah) but also said that me shutting down was bullying him in that i was withholding information / emotion etc. She commented that the more i shut down the more he prods, and then i shut down even more, and so on. She pointed out that it’s not up to him to decide how long it takes me to get over it (tho not sure i ever will), and that regaining trust will take time.
Not massively convinced in that something inside me has snapped and right now i have no wish to unsnap it, but at least we have spoken without another fight where i get called even more names.
x*x
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