Couples counselling

[Confusedmumma]

I recently separated from my Husband, it was horrible and traumatic and I’m still trying to process it all. since the separation he has been the man he should have been all along, listening to me, not on his devices, great with the kids etc. Before, he was in a constant state of frustration and his behaviour at home was not ok, multiple cases of infidelity and generally a sarcastic, negative vibe just filling the house. Name calling, questioning everything that I did or didn’t do and making me feel like something was wrong with me. it was exhausting. Since the separation he has somehow victimised himself… he has gone and got therapy (I’m pleased about this) and is blaming past trauma from outside of our relationship on the reason for his behaviour towards me and around the children (he always has to find something or someone to blame for everything). We are due to attend couples counselling, I agreed to it as didn’t take my marriage vows lightly but now it’s getting close I’m feeling so anxious and nervous as feel like he’ll manipulate everything to make me look crazy / bad and I’ll just freeze. Has anyone done couples counselling with an emotionally abusive person? Was it really bad or did it help? Me and the kids feel a sense of calm in the house and I can already see improvements in their wellbeing but the small part of me thinks, can this be fixed, can we get our family unit back but minus the abuse? Or am I in fairy land? It’s all so fresh still. There were good times too.

[Eyeswideopen]

Be soooo careful with this! Mine was exactly the same, I could have posted this (timeframe removed by Moderator) years ago. He was crying, apologising for the first time in his life, seeking help, being calm… I knew it was over but agreed with counseling to help him through, but it was for him trying to get therapist to help convince me I should stay, and how good he was, and it was all past trauma etc etc… But he wouldn’t really change, just like yours won’t. It took you a lot of courage to decide it was time to leave, so be careful not to be dragged back in and have to start the process all over again. As soon as he realised it was really over, the abuse only escalated – if he had indeed seen what happened and be truly sorry, he would have continued on his self improvement journey – I did say I didn’t rule out maybe a future again, but I needed space and see how he’d change and grow. But that wasn’t his plan, and now he blames me for everything, says he was never in the wrong, and even started to defend his parents upbringing, when before he had acknowledged had caused him to be as he is….

I think it’s fairy land, unfortunately. He can prove himself once you are out, and then you can decide if you want back in, but I have been in this journey some time and one thing we eventually come to terms with is that NPD won’t change 🙁

[Confusedmumma]

Thank you so much for the reply. I’m limited to what I can say as obviously don’t want to be identified but I can relate to SO much of what you have written above. I fear the same will happen to me, once the glimmer of hope he has is gone, I think he’ll go straight back into self destruction mode and the abuse will ramp up tenfold. I’m sorry that this happened to you.

[Cat24]

I agree with the reply. I’ve seen this before too and they use and trick professionals. They also mimic counselors and therapists to further abuse and make you think they are fine and everyone is agreeing with them . They also.use services to tick all the boxes so they can return to do it again and become evennmore dangerous so you are too scared to leave.

I found the hardest part was accepting this person isn’t going to change. So I got counselling with a lady who deals in moving on from a partner and accepting its not a situation you can ever fix. It helped a lot . And the emotional attachments and false hope disappeared.

Then my eyes opened and I saw the person for who they were not what i hoped they could be.

😊

 

 

[EvenSerpentsShine]

Yes I would agree too with the above comments. After my own experience of this I would personally avoid couples counseling (or any therapy that isn’t with a specialist in domestic abuse ) at all costs.
The challenge of duping a therapist is too much for them to resist and they will enjoy the game.

You may well end up stuck for way longer than you need or want to be, I was.

[Nowornever]

This is me right now. I decided to leave to get some head space as I would have ended up having a nervous breakdown . All the Red flags are there that he’s been cheating , also playing mind games , moving stuff , turning lights on in the middle of the night. There’s so much more gone on ,  but he won’t admit it and says it’s all in my head! He has  literally made out that I have something mentally wrong with me! The thing is he won’t leave me alone , I get all the love bombing now and he crys like a baby, saying he hasn’t done any of these things and that he can’t live without me , if I knew how much he loved me I would know . Any way I’ve also agreed reluctantly to see a marriage guidence councillor, but I know what a good liar he is and I’m afraid he’ll convince her it’s all in my head 😫

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