Couples Therapy?

[Sungirl]

Husband says he wants to try this. He says he wants to know what he needs to do to change/fix things. I have already tried telling him but he doesn’t listen, gets angry and manages to make out I’m wrong and overreacting. I end up just being quite and blocking out what he says. I just want to tell him I want to separate once we’re there. I’m worried he’ll twist and manipulate what I say. Would the therapist notice this? I spoke with a therapist on the phone, she said she would see us individually first and then together. Maybe that would work? Has anyone tried this and how did it go?

[Silverbirch]

Hi Sungirl, only you will know whether you feel safe enough to speak openly in the couples therapy. From my own experience, I would say that a lot depends on whether the therapist is trained to work skilfully and wisely with domestic abuse. Perpetrators are very skilful at misleading others and people being abused are living in fear. This means that both people won’t be being honest, for different reasons. And it takes skill for a therapist to see this and work with it.

If you do decide to see the therapist for an individual session before a couple session, I’d ask them not to disclose anything in the couples session which you may tell them in the individual session. This helps keep you safe and then you can decide what you do and don’t want to share in any couple session.

Hope this is useful. Take care xx

[Sungirl]

Thanks that’s very helpful. Yes I think I if we do it then I will see if we can have an individual
session first.

[Silverbirch]

Hi Sungirl, you are welcome. Trust yourself as you take your next steps. I tried couples therapy twice and to be honest it made matters worse. What helped was getting my own good therapy. It was actually my therapist who named what was happening to me as domestic abuse. That changed my life, though it took a very long time to get out. Take care and trust yourself xx

[Eggshells]

I wouldn’t recommend it and neither do Women’s Aid. If your therapist is skilled, they will recommend against it too. No-one who understands domestic abuse would advise couples therapy.

You won’t get a word in edge ways, he’ll talk about himself and how hard done by he is.

If you do say anything, it will be used against you at a later date.

He will manipulate your therapist. If you’ve told the therapist that this is an abusive relationship and they have still agreed to see you, then your therapist does not understand domestic abuse.

He does not want to know what he is doing wrong (you’ve already discovered this).

He is hoovering to keep you in the relationship.

Couples counselling was just one of the many mistakes I made. It kept me in false hope, in the relationship for far too long and actually caused a lot of harm as he did manipulate the therapist (who had been my therapist for a while before she saw us for couples counselling.

If you know that you are in an abusive relationship then please know that it will always be abusive, regardless of what you do to change it. There isn’t a cure for abuse unfortunately.

[Anonymous]

Hi Eggshells,

I agree with you. It’s what I wanted to say.
I’m so sorry your ex managed to turn your therapist. That must have been so painful for you.

Hi Sungirl,

I’m so sorry you are experiencing domestic abuse. This is not your fault, and you don’t deserve this.
Your husband might just be suggesting but has no intention of following through. Or he might be confident that he can manipulate the therapist.
My ex manipulated the person I sought help from. And she ended up being his ‘flying monkey’. Having her on his side supported his abuse and blame of me. Having her involved trapped me in the relationship for many more years.
I would suggest finding help separately. You definitely need support. But what you don’t need is to be blamed and encouraged to change. Somehow abusers convince others that their bad behaviour is your fault. They try to convince us of that too. If only you cooked better, gave sex/better sex all the time, didn’t disrespect or whatever rubbish they come up with. There is nothing you can do to change an abuser. Even when you do what they want or behave like they want, they are still abusive and will tell you something else you’ve done/not done is the problem now.
I hope you find the help you need.
And remember, it’s not your fault. He chooses to control you for his benefit.
Xx

[Secretlife]

Hello Sungirl

This is exactly the route my husband wanted to go down and although my heart wasn’t in it, I went to keep him happy. At the time, I did not understand abuse or its full meaning. We had individual sessions and joint sessions. The counseller was highly qualified and had been practising for many years. The word ‘abuse’ was never actually mentioned. During an individual session she told me he would never change (removed by moderator). In the end she recommended we see a consultant psycotherapist but told me individually that “this may break my husband”! Having learnt about abuse I am now reeling from that experience. It has also fuelled my husbands abuse to me as he obviously feels he’s had it confirmed that he isn’t doing anything wrong. I wouldn’t advise joint counselling. Hope I haven’t been too brutal here, I just feel so strongly about it. Sending you a big hug 🤗 xx

[Sungirl]

Thanks so much for the feedback that’s really helpful,and no Secretlife you weren’t too brutal. It’s so hard getting my head around all this. We have a joint session (detail removed by moderator) and then said she’ll see us privately. I feel they same, that I’m doing it more for him, I don’t know why. I just can’t get my head in gear yet to end the marriage. I really just want him to leave. He’s been on the sofa for about (detail removed by moderator) now and he made some comment today about being comfortable on the sofa. I don’t think he going to leave for a while. We’re mostly ignoring each other now

[Camel]

Therapy is frequently pulled out of the abuser’s bag of tricks, generally when their usual methods of abuse have stopped working. It pulls on our heartstrings – they’re trying, they want to get better, they want us to work. We feel we must give the relationship a final chance, even when we’re past caring. He could have cared this much before, but he didn’t. If he wants counselling let him do the legwork – get off the sofa, stop the whining, set things up. It’s actions, not words, that count.

If you want to separate, don’t expect him to agree or a therapist to back you up. Maybe it’s better to spend your energy on good independent legal advice?

[Secretlife]

Hi Sungirl

I think the reason why you feel you will do the counselling for him is because you want to make things more bearable at home, especially if he is not going to leave. It’s utterly miserable to be ignoring each other, I know because I live like this frequently. If you do the counselling, in your first session on your own, I would tell the counseller you are in an abusive situation, tell her about your contact with WA, and ask her how she intends to proceed with the sessions. This is what I would have done had I been aware at the time of my first session. It is paramount that she is aware of how dangerous the situation could be for you. I have now accepted that my husband will never change, I am not in love with him and I will leave him when the time is right for me. In the meantime I have adopted a little strategy which in my mind I call ‘playing the game’, basically my husband thinks everything is wonderful, for me, it’s just a front to make everyday as bearable as it can be while I gain mental strength and make plans for my future. I hope my post helps you in some way. Sending you love, comfort and support xx

[Silverbirch]

Totally relate to that ‘playing the game’ secretlife. Doing what you need to do to stay safe until the time is right to leave. Very wise.

[Sungirl]

Thank you so much everyone. I always fee hesitant posting on here, but I make my self as I know it’s helping me. And I always get really helpful insightful comments that completely ring true with my situation. Thank you all. I completely do the ‘playing the game’ and have been doing it for a while now. It’s exhausting though. And my game is dropping now

[Silverbirch]

Hello Sungirl. It’s good to read that you are finding support in the forum. It’s a powerful resource when you are feeling the exhaustion which inevitably comes from living in these situations. I’m hoping you have people in your life who you can trust. I know that having a couple of really solid friends made all the difference as I gradually made my way out. Whatever you decide about the therapy, what matters is that you take your own safety seriously.

Take care x

[Secretlife]

Hello Sungirl

This forum has made such a difference to how I feel, in fact it has completely changed my outlook on the relationship I have with my husband. The more I have learnt here and having read Why Does He Do That by lundy Bancroft has enabled me to accept that my husband will never change and that it is fruitless trying to change him. I have wasted so much energy trying to do this over the years. I has also enabled me to accept I am no longer in love with him and the future will be no different unless I leave, which I am now planning to do. I’m still struggling to make that final leap tho at the moment. So, it’s important to keep posting and reading, and learning which hopefully will help you gain inner strength and understanding which may help you not to feel so exhausted with it all. Sorry if I’ve waffled here, but I think you’ll get the gist if what I’m saying. Sending you a comforting hug xx

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