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Hi all,
I’m new to here and just wondering if others have mixed feelings and emotions while waiting for the CPS to make decisions (detail removed by moderator) We were together many many years and never thought we would escape. It’s been a rollercoaster of a journey. Now I’m feeling really horrifically guilty (detail removed by moderator). How can I do this to someone? I need to do it to stay safe and protect my kids but I feel scared, panicky, the nightmares won’t stop and I feel very guilty that I’ve destroyed his life . It’s eating away at me! -
Hi and welcome, firstly well done for reporting him. I know how hard this must have been but you did the right thing. Please never carry the guilt for him. You have nothing to feel guilty about. This man chose to abuse you. This was his choice and his behaviour. How would your children be coping without you? I think we all feel guilty because we have been programmed and brainwashed to feel this way. Try to put the CPS decision out your mind. I know it’s hard but I wasted so much time while the process dragged on. I wish I’d used that time to be more productive with my recovery. You are not destroying his life. He has the choice to plead guilty and seek help, but he won’t. It’s more likely he will blame you. The nightmares will pass with good counselling and lots of tender loving care. Lean on your local women’s aid. Use the helpline on here and the Samaritans have a freephone Number I used many times. You will get through this x
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Hi and welcome x
I’m glad that you have been able to get out of your situation for the safety of you and your children. That’s difficult enough without having to deal with feelings of guilt. It must be a nerve wracking time for you but I’m glad that it’s being dealt with seriously. You’ve done nothing wrong. If abusers didn’t abuse, none of this would be necessary but they do. It’s not your fault. Abusive people are dangerous and they need a great deal of help. It’s not healthy or ‘normal’ to manipulate people to the extent that they feel guilty responsible for what they’ve done to you. They can’t take responsibility and hate to be made accountable so want us to take the blame. This is the time to try and put your needs (and those of your children) above those of your abuser. They need a lot of help and we cannot be the ones to give it. It’s a difficult time, reach out to your local women’s aid as KIP says and seek some counselling. You are very strong to have got this far x
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Thankyou both for taking the time to reply. In the end something happened and I had lightbulb moment and for the first time i realised it wouldn’t ever change and I couldn’t help him and the only option I had was to get us out. Why did I ever think that I could? That if I did things differently that it wouldn’t set him off. It leaves your head a complete and utter mess! We’ve had a lot of agencies involved with myself and some specialist help for my kids. I’m just waiting for some trauma counselling but a local DA charity has been supporting me and helping me untangle the wreck in my head and give lots of practical advice. It’s exhausting isn’t it. I’ve spent many days completely numb and ive no idea how I made it through the day. But here we are several months on and now I’m feeling all sorts of emotions . The way you both put it about the guilt is so true. I shall have to keep reading it to reinforce it in my head! As you say he will and I’m fairly sure is blaming me for everything as he always has done. I hadn’t even thought that he might plead guilty and seek help.i actually hope he does, not sure how I feel about him going to prison it would be more guilt. But they condition you that way don’t they, always our fault !
I’m keeping busy by getting my neglected health back on track. Not had a smear test for (detail removed by moderator) years! And all other bits like that. I guess many neglect there health in these situations? You just don’t care do you. Do you have any other self care tips? I feel like I’ve no idea what I like anymore. I’m starting to catch up with friends again . I’ve no hobbies I have no idea what I even like these days. My whole life has been centred around ensuring I kept him happy !
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Think back to things you used to do before he shut that down for you. Revisit old hobbies. Try mindfulness and relaxation videos. There’s this huge void thats hard to fill because our head and body have been taken up trying to stay safe and please him to avoid an outburst. So that void is painful and can be quite scary but in time you will love that extra time and space to do what you want. To do what makes you happy. Just take baby steps and build on supportive relationships you already have. Think of a blank canvas that you can colour with vivid happy pictures. Make new good happy memories for,you and your children. He gave up any right to be in your lives the moment he began his abuse.
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Hello, well done for getting this far and see you have some good advice from the ladies above. I understand the odd guilt thing. My husband is now back in the country of his birth and I have applied to cancel his papers so he can’t come back. I feel guilty about that too – like I’ve consigned him to a life of hell. But as we have both been told – we have done nothing wrong. They bought this on themselves. I’m going to try and get some help via my GP about processing these irrational feelings. Keep on being strong. I keep coming back to these forums because it’s making me stronger knowing that there is a real support network here, and I’ve only joined 2 days ago! xx
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It was so long ago I can barely remember. I can picture that canvas , will be nice to colour it in! That void is huge, it’s overwhelming. I’ll have a look at some videos , thanks. Is it normal to struggle to concentrate? Can’t seem to focus on much at all.
I sold my rings and it felt good to do that . The money was spent on treating the kids to a good day out and tea. I was determined those chains that held so many unhappy memories would create a good one.
And yes he did ….but it will still be my fault! Agh!! -
Trauma is a terrible thing to deal with and yes your concentration will be badly affected. I couldn’t read a book for a very long time. The memory suffers too. It’s all down to trauma. Many of us suffer Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or PTSD. Have a quick google and see if anything seems familiar. Loud noises, heightened senses, poor sleep, nightmares and five o’clock frights. 5am. Waking in a state of fear and alarm. All this is the mind sorting through the trauma so keep posting as many of us have been there x
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The person from DA charity has said that it it could be that and I did look it up. I can tick most of the boxes. The nightmares are so real , it’s like I’m right back there trapped and unable to escape . Terrifying aren’t they. And yes I’m having the 5am wake ups. The overwhelming panic, you can’t breath. Does this ease off? Nights were always bad when he was here. Always anxious waiting for things to kick off.
I thought as the years had gone by I’d learned to deal with it. But I think I’ve just boxed it all away and become emotionally detached. Now it’s apparent that there is damage. I’ll get there and my kids will. They are so much happier already. I refuse to let the rest of our lives be ruined.
All of you are amazing and so strong x
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I think you really need some specialist trauma therapy. These symptoms did ease off a lot for me but came back again. Without therapy and sorting the trauma out I think it just keeps rearing it’s ugly head. Ive been in therapy for a while but because of ongoing court case there are some therapies she won’t give me which is annoying but I can tell you I’m a different person. I slept with a light on and a radio on so that when I woke with nightmares I knew exactly where I was right away. Slowly I weaned myself off this as the night terrors became less and less. The dreams were so vivid I was convinced I saw him at the top of the stairs. I thought I was going to die. It’s exhausting so remember to feed yourself and drink plenty water. Write down three positive things each day. Keeps your brain in a positive frame. And love yourself and be kind to yourself x
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I’m so sorry you’ve been through this,that anyone has been through this. It’s awful. But it’s good that you are getting help and things have improved and you’ve found ways to help yourself. I hope they continue to do so ! I will try the positive thing, might make a board or something and keep adding to it. Might be nice to get the kids to write something happy or something that’s made them laugh each day and add to it. A mini project for us all!
Trying to love myself. I’ve had my hair cut quite drastically as well to make me feel different and help me feel like I’m in control of my life now.
Thankyou for all your tips and advice x -
Hi and welcome. I can absolutely understand that guilt feeling. After he threatened me with a weapon and the police took him away he became homeless and was on the streets. It took me a while to realise fully that it was because of his own behaviour, and not something I had done to him. Just the same, you didn’t do it to him, he caused it to happen.
I’ve been no contact since but it is all still ongoing with the CPS, (detail removed by moderator). It’s been quite some time so I entirely empathise with that.
At first, there was a huge flurry of appointments and phone calls and meetings. Emails etc. Then suddenly nothing. That was a hard thing to get through. Both made me exhausted, one because of raking through everything over and over, the other because my mind was spinning.
I’m in the process of preparing to move from quite a large house, full of many years of stuff, to a far smaller home so my spare time is pretty much taken up with sorting, getting rid of things, selling on eBay and packing at the moment. It’s not really left a lot of time to start any hobbies up yet.
I did buy an affirmations Wordsearch book and will allow myself a 20-minute break from my own mind sometimes to zone out on that, and I’ve started cooking again; proper food, using herbs and spices, glazes etc. I’d totally forgotten how much I enjoyed that.
I’ve also started a bullet journal. Now I’m no artist and the Pinterest and Instagram posts of people’s amazingly arty journals did put me off for a little while, but I thought argh s*d it, I’ll do me. So I had great fun with it, using stickers, coloured pens and pencils, and children’s stencils. I include a weekly page where I’ve allowed spaces to write 3 affirmations (I am kind for example) for that week and 3 things I am grateful for. (I often put more than three nowadays). These can be tiny gratitudes, such as the river was really sparkling in the sun today, or I fancied x thing for tea and had all the ingredients in. It doesn’t really matter, they are just things that gave you a teeny smile.
I find the whole thing very cathartic, with the added bonus that it has helped me to monitor my moods/health and tie them in to sleep, eating and hydration as well as things that have made me anxious, frightened and the like.
The great thing about it is I can decide how much or how little I include and I can change it day to day if I want to.Once all the move has died down and I’ve settled again I plan to take up Tai Chi regularly. It is a lovely practice and nice and easy on my old bones lol. Very mindful and grounding too.
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