CPTSD and fleeing conflict

[PolarBear]

Hi everyone,

I haven’t been on here for a long time. I hope you have all been ok and have been healing. A couple of things have happened recently that have worried me. I can’t seem to handle conflict at all at the moment and my counsellor thinks I have CPTSD. There have been a couple of incidents recently with men where I have been in vehicles and the conservation has gotten a little heated and I have had an urge to escape the situation to the point where I have exited the vehicle unsafely (both times the vehicle has been coming to a stop so hasn’t been moving very fast – but still). It was a need in me to flee the person and the conflict, but in doing so I had put myself in a unsafe position (jumping out of a moving car). Thankfully i was ok but it really worries me that I am doing this and I just wish that i could think rationally in these moments. This has really unsettled me as I worry that I will do something stupid again if I come across conflict, and sometimes you cannot control what you come across in this world. I know it is not good that I did this and I do not want to hurt myself but its like I panic and want to be far away from the conflict, and in that moment that urge to be away takes over my rational brain and afterwards i think- why the hell did I do that! I guess it was also a sense that I was ‘trapped’ in the car with them and given my last relationship, feared that they would do something like hit me (my ex put his fist in my face and threatened to hit me). Trusting people, especially men, is very difficult for me right now. My coworker at work is quite bossy and critical and reminds me of my ex and at first when i started working there, his bossiness brought me to tears. I am now more used to him and realise he is a completely different person but it is still hard to be around him sometimes. My councellor recommended reading ‘from surviving to thriving’ and suddenly things are clicking into place and starting to make sense. It is a hard thing to come to terms with. To realise that actually, my dad has been abusive towards me. I always knew that he had been damamaging with his constant critisism and need for perfection from me. But since breaking up from my ex I have looked at my dad with new eyes and realised he is controlling, manipulative,and has explosive anger which I now cannot be around since my ex threatened to hit me. There was an outburst from my dad about 6 months ago where afterwards i felt so bad that i decided i wanted to cut him out of my life. After about 3 weeks i calmed down and saw him again. Recently I reacted very strongly to my step mum critisising me (she is quite controlling also) and again felt like I wanted to cut them both out. Their effect on me is very strong. I feel really bad and worthless and this can last for days. I even had a horrible mirgraine also. They have no self awareness and take no responsibility for how they make others feel. I feel like I am constantly building my confidence up and then they will say something and it will crash down again. The thing is they have an amazing dog who i love dearly who I look after a lot and this is what keeps me in their lives I guess. He is so important to me. I have decided to make a new rule that i will take him for walks, look after him but not go into their house and minimise the time I spend with them. I wondered if anyone had any advice about how to navigate these kind of issues (how to have healthy relationships with family members) and also whether anyone else has had any similar situations where they have had a strong urge or panic to leave conflict? Also if anyone has any advice on dealing with symptoms of CPTSD and healing from it, that would be very appreciated. I am looking into EMDR treatment, has anyone found it to be helpful? Thank you.

[Lisa]

Hi PolarBear

It sounds like certain situations trigger traumatic memories and therefore you go into fight or flight responses, this is not uncommon for survivors of domestic abuse.

It sounds really positive that you have been thinking about what boundaries you can put in place for dealing with your dad and step mum, it is very difficult when you have close family who are emotionally abusive as this can be really triggering for you. Its ok to distance yourself from people who make you feel bad, if you think they would listen you could try explaining how you feel when they talk to you in a certain way or say negative things to you.

I am glad the book has helped and that you have a counsellor to talk through everything with, you are doing all the right things.

Take care and keep posting

Lisa

[Iwantmeback]

Hi polar bear. It’s awful just how far back our abuse journey goes. I’ve also come to see just how bad my dad was to me, I was always adamant my childhood was good and in the grand scheme of things it was, but the way I was brought up laid the foundations for future romantic relationships never mind ordinary ones. I’m finding im flying of the handle at people miss, also telling them I’m not taking their behabiour anymore, cutting them out of my life, deleting their numbers etc I too also feel trapped in certain situations and just want to run, find somewhere safe to be. As to regards to family members and time spent with them, do what’s right for you. Guilt and obligation are sh..ty feelings. Once you work out how long you can bear in their company or at all you’ll feel better in yourself. I’ve just lost my mum (detail removed by moderator) I left my ex. My dad has used this to treat me so badly, and let him grieve yet when I got choked up one day he told me to be strong and not shed any tears over him, never mind touching me inappropriately one evening too under the influence. I actually went in the next day and told him what he did, the consequences of that are that I’ve limited the time I spend with him now.
I’m going to a mindfulness class once a week just now and also do mindful cds at home. Getting out into the fresh air into the woods helps a lot too. There’s actually a new name for going for a walk in the woods, it’s called forest bathing and helps greatly fir depression. What I’d say is do what’s right fir you, put your needs before others now. It’s not being selfish no matter what anyone might try to tell you. Your mental health is every bit as important as your physical health. Grab life and live it for your benefit, cutting all negativity and negative people from it. I’ve just about accepted that I won’t have my family around me, I get no support from them. I’m not looking for sympathy, what I’ve noticed is just how widespread abuse is. It’s in the workplace, schools, the NHS, churches, never mind relationships
Take care, keep posting and reading others books.
Love and light IWMB 💞💞

[PolarBear]

Thank you Lisa and IWMB for your posts and thoughts, it really helps to feel I am not alone in all of this and to talk to people who I can relate to. Thank you for your advice Lisa and thank you IWMB for opening up, its so valuable to feel understood and to share these experiences. I am sorry to hear that you have no support from your family. Do you have others that you can turn to? I am really glad the forest walks are helping you. I love nature and the outdoors too and it has really helped me. I do a lot of wild swimming which i find very helpful for my moods. Last summer I went all the time with the dog and I swear it was one of the main things that got me through a really difficult time – do you like swimming? i really reccommend it. I go in a river in the woods so get the forest bathing bit too! There is a wild swimming group down here – maybe you have a local one too that you could meet up with if it was something you were interested in? Thank you for your advice about putting me first and not to feel guilty – its wise advice. Yes I too am realising how common abuse is – 2 of my friends are with men that i think are controlling and manipulative and its hard sometimes to take a back seat and see the damage they are doing.

I hope you are both enjoying your weekends. Thanks again and take care

Polar Bear

[Twisted Sister]

Dear Polar Bear

You recounting your jumps out of your car has brought to my mind how badly I hurt myself just the other day, and previously, in those panic moments you describe, I still have a very painful bone and lump as a result of my most recent one, but somehow had just not really registered that this happens to me.

I now recall it hurting for a long time after.

So, to say, you are not alone in this. I think we would genuinely run over hot coals to avoid gettig caught in another terrifying situation.

For us, something like jumping out of a moving car is far less scarey! Mine wasn’t exactly that btw, but it did involve a car too coincidentally.

Have you told your GP who could access so e support and recovery for you? As well as local agencies?

Warmest wishes

TS

[PolarBear]

Thanks for your message TS. I hope you are feeling better now. Its good not to feel alone. I hate feeling misunderstood. Sometimes I just feel people don’t get it and think I am overreacting and should be over it by now. I sometimes get frustrated by how much it has affected me. I recently did not go to a really important reunion of friends who are nothing to do with my ex, purely because i didn’t want to revisit the area where it all happened and run the risk of bumping into him. I missed out on meeting a friend’s new baby and another friend who had flown over from another country. I hate how his behaviour is still affecting my life. It feels so unfair.

Have also found that some friends in common don’t believe that side in him, which i am finding very upsetting as I’ve known one friend much longer than he has (10 years compared to 2). This has really really upset me, almost as much as my ex’s behaviour. I find it really hard and an insult. It feels like i am on trial and I am being punished but I am not the one who threatened anyone!! I just want life to be normal again :(.

I will look into seeing my GP

Thanks

PB

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