Craving old habits

[Alittlelost]

This is a bit off topic in some ways but not I guess.i hope this post isn’t inappropriate, I’m sorry if it’s not allowed. The situation of being trapped here is making me crave old habits of drugs. Drugs that would give me a high. However this is a really bad idea and I wont get any. But my mind is obsessing and telling me it’s a good idea. I even had a dream about it in my sleep. It’s a really poor way of coping. I’m sorry for saying it here but I’ve no one else to talk with. I know things are really really bad when I crave this old habit back. I dont ever want use drugs as a escape again. I need better distraction ideas but being locked in one room with no tv, laptop ect. Is hard. I’ve only me and my phone. Yes I can watch stuff on my phone screen but its tiny.
Sorry. I’m avoiding the real issues.

[KIP.]

Hey, it’s great that you can recognise that this craving is bad. It’s good that you can rationalise and prevent yourself from going backwards. Locking you in a room is illegal. You’re supposed to be going out every day for one walk to improve mental health. He has no right to prevent you from using the rest of the house. If he’s working from home he can lock himself in one room. That’s all he needs for work.

[Slipup19]

Although it isn’t the same, craving him talking to me is my drug of choice…its awful.

[Alittlelost]

I guess I should clarify that. Sorry my mistake he hasn’t actually pyhischaly locked me In there but i have got to be in there. I said locked probably because it feels alot that way. I just want to clarify that.

[HopeLifeJoy]

You’re here exactly in the right place to vent honey, you’re craving old habits because of his abusive behaviour otherwise you wouldn’t even think about it. Of course being cooked up in one room drives one insane and seek for ways to escape it. I know I would go totally insane being locked up. Perhaps you’re actually wanting to escape. Literally. Not with drugs. But in a sustainable and healthy way. An escape from abuse. To live an abuse free life.
What options are there for you? Could you contact Women’s Aid for a chat to see what you can do?

Until there is a solution, to distract you, there are plenty of free courses on OU. Or watch National Geographic videos. Or download free books on pdf.

So sorry he’s an abuser honey. He should treat you right. You deserve only the best and he’s not it.
Sending you strength, keep strong, you’re not alone.

[HopeLifeJoy]

Yes that’s coercive control. He doesn’t need to actually lock you in with a key, the prison is invisible, you know how he would rage and explode if you dare living your life normally and moving about normally. He is monopolising the entire house as his work place and that isn’t right. He knows that but doesn’t care.
Pls contact WA to see what you could do. You deserve so much better than this non life.

[Alittlelost]

I guess your right. I dont know what to do. I feel like I’m going out my mind.im irritated too. I’m so fed up. I’m imagining the high but I feel that high is similar to feeling free. Abuse free. Being able to do as you want and when you want.

[fizzylem]

This dream and these thoughts show me how desperate you feel to escape ALL, it feels like this is the only option – or at least the only one you can think of.

Wish you’d leave him hun, you think you need him, but you absolutely do not. I’d get WA to find me a refuge where I can take me dog – where ever in the country that may be and de stress for a while, then with their help you could start to sort things out x

[Alittlelost]

I have a young cat. I just could not give her up. I know she could be temp fostered but I know how stressed she would be. She has such a set routine here and is very much a mummy’s girl and I wont leave her here with him.

I dont understand why I feel like I want to leave but then if I think serious about leaving I then change my mind. I love him but I hate how I feel being here and around him.

I know he has control, I know he has done bad bad bad things to me, I know I’m scared and intimidated I know I’m trapped, I know I’m taken for granted and unappreciated, I know i have never been priority ect. But I still love him. I’m maybe not in love with him but I live him and care far too much for him. I dont want give up on all these years.

[KIP.]

Loving him won’t stop him from hurting you or from walking away from you when something better comes along. There is no bond there from him, no commitment to a respectful relationship. You need to put yourself first for your own health and well-being. Be very careful as abuser are well know to hurt animals as a means of control. Stay safe x

[Alittlelost]

I cant stop craving drugs or rather a escape.last time they sent me psychotic. I lost total touch with reality and although it was scary I cant helpnbut wonder if being so psychotic might feel better then this. I know that sounds terrible but maybe it’s right

[HopeLifeJoy]

When I’m drowned by negative thoughts i go outside, for a walk somewhere in the nature, looking at the flowers, the trees, the birds, the people. When I come back I forgot all my worries, my mood has changed and I’m more relaxed.
I hope you can find a way to relax in a healthy way. 🌸☀️

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Alittlelost, you are so in the right place. We take substances to escape situations we live in, it’s a way of coping. I came across another of my old diaries, saw I’d written that my drinking was increasing, that if I jyst changed how I reacted maybe we’d be okay. I’m nearly a year out. Thinking of everyone who is still with their abusive partners horrifies me. This situation we’re in, it’s very surreal. Losing a hold on reality is one of the awful side effects of this too.
Keep posting, take a deep breath before reacting to your partner. Do whatever keeps you safe at this terrible moment in time.
Much love and strength
IWMB

[fizzylem]

I think it’s wrong when people are expected to be seperated from their animals in refuge or in a rental; some refuges will let you take your animal. I imagine not many no, but I know of two women who took their dog. There are different types of refuge accomodation all over the country, more now for self contained accomodation with the lock down – does this make it more possible to take a pet? Can’t see why not.

My friend is a cat foster carer, and she loves and cares for all the cats she comes into contact with; they are well and truly well cared for and all the cats she has are always happy. Those that want to mix with others do, and those that need their own space get this, interestingly, they ALL end up mixing together eventually, when they are ready. Love going to see her. Her garden is secured as well with nets so they can get in the garden but go no further.

You may love him ALL, but sadly this is not enough to make a relationship work; totally agree with KIP here, there is no bond for him, no respect for you, meaning he will always do as he pleases with no consideration for you. Would help you hugely to take back some power and control here and leave him, before he leaves you, because if you stop and think about it, the relationship is already over isn’t it x

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