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Having an awful morning. Woke up with the 5am frights and only just managed to pride myself out into the shower to get my kids up and ready for school. Does this get better? I know it’s because I’ve taken steps to go no contact again and move on. I’m terrified. The simplest of tasks seem overwhelming. Waiting for the backlash from him and scared it’s going to be worse than ever. X
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It will get better, if you can maintain no contact.
No contact is the only way you will gradually heal and that the anxiety will subside.
Any contact is so unhealthy and abusive, you get triggered.
I used to experience unbearable anxiety upon waking every morning. Now, I still have some level of anxiety, but it’s halved in intensity. This is all due to eradicating him, his opinions, his voice from my life.
It will improve xx
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Waiting for the backlash. I have lived with this feeling for years. he expects certain responses from me and if he doesn’t get them he leaves me waiting for the backlash. he often used to say I needed to learn my lesson. the problem with the fear of the backlash is that we are still on the leash, so to speak. we have been trained to respond this way and its one of the ways in which the abusive person keeps us in our place and frightened to step out of it. its the eggshell path. its keeping our head down, minimising our behaviour, frightened to set them off. it can only get better when there is complete physical security and ‘no contact’. you’ll notice you start to feel better and more yourself (the person you can be without abuse). the backlash can only happen if he has a way back in. so, in my experience, what he then does is look for a way to push back, something that looks a bit legitimate, like his access to the child, and the subtle or overt intimidation starts again (he will mess with her to mess with me). he yanks the leash. this is the creature they want us to be, a broken-spirited creature with no voice, sitting by our master’s side. that is the abuser in my life and i know that is how he looks at me. so I would say recognise how your fear response has been taught you by him; its definitely something you can help yourself with. I don’t know what the ‘backlash’ means for you, as I say I am vulnerable because of the continuing rights of a domestically abusive man to the child member(s) of the family he has domestically abused. if you fear physical aggression i would contact the police now. if you can go to your local domestic abuse service you could find support there in dealing with the whole issue and risk of ‘backlash’.
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Thank you older lady. I don’t think he would harm me physically. To be honest I’m not quite sure what it is I’m scared of. I guess the harassment through solicitors, that he will try to change the goalposts. That he will go back to spreading awful lies about me in our small town that make me appear like a total head case. His need to control and his paranoia were so completely off the scale that he filmed me without my knowledge in our house. He then told other people, our friends that he had to film me because I was likely to bash my head off a kitchen worktop and blame him. He’s desperately concerned about what other people think and when I called the police for help, to ask him to stop following me he went into overdrive. He did a complete character assassination. Joined Facebook and made himself very public so that it appeared like he had nothing to hide. X
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Dear ENF, would it help you to think honestly about what you had with him. I’m guessing you are not thinking clearly at the moment, that was why I suggested the NC as it frees your mind. But if you are able to think about your relationship. I put a thread on here recently which might help you, it is called ‘the man behind the mask, laying him bare’ or something like that.
Whenever I have had a questionable relationship in the past incl. my most recent one i’ve always asked myself wheter he & I had the basics:
Do I trust him?
Do we have fun?
Does he frighten me?
Can we talk and resolve problems?Those sort of basic but essential attributes. I think you know in your gut if you can be with a person or not. Both of my ex’s I didn’t trust at all, they both frightened me and we could not talk about problems so I ended it. Admittedly you have then got the devastating trauma bonding but that can be worked through. I’m still getting over my ex we split some months ago.
XXXX
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I know you are right HA. I know I need space, it’s just getting that is the hard part. Being on bail with the threat of prison didn’t stop him. I need to try and manage him at a distance. My kids dad came and got kids tonight and I headed straight to cinema on my own as I thought he’d try and come round knowing kids are not here. He said he’d pick something he needed up tomorrow while I was at work but I knew he wouldn’t do that, I knew it would be an excuse to see me. He’s called and text incessantly while I was at the cinema and now says I’ve to leave the garage door open as he needs to get this thing tonight. I’ve left the garage door unlocked but locked the house doors and left the keys in. I know this is gonna set him off. I’ve gone to bed as I’m working early in morning but I’m anxious and frightened of his reaction. x
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Dear Escaped, I had some reminders tonight when watching TV, reminders of decent nice things that my ex did. it made me feel sad how things turned out. I was reminded that he brought me a nice Christmas present and card last Christmas, he had obviously put some effort into doing this, spent time choosing a nice card and a gift that he thought that I would like. It was thoughtful, i didn’t normally get anything. But then looking at the whole picture, when you are a couple in a loving and normal relationship, it is normal practice to buy someone you love and care about a gift and card. Cost is immaterial and doesn’t matter, its the thought & effort that counts. I spent hours searching for the perfect gifts and cards for him. We were together for several Christmas’s birthdays & Valentines and in all of that time I was treated like I was special only a few times. The majority of time he didn’t bother. It might help you to look at the bigger picture of what was good in your relationship and how much of the good or even normal there was. X*X
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When he’s on a level mood things were great. Great fun, happy and he was kind but then it would just go through a cycle of totally unacceptable behaviour. Honestly like being in a relationship with two polar opposite men. The problem came when it became more often bad than good and I couldn’t relax in between and he felt he was loosing control so he’d go off the scale crazy. He’s gone now tonight after demanding to be let in the house. I just said no. This won’t be the end. He will keep going I know it. I’m ready for it. Sooner I’m properly out the better x
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Healthy Archive:
As time goes on, you are strengthened against their games. You grow in inner strength, you can predict their movements and either avoid or ignore then, of engineer a situation to protect yourself. You will know what each situation demands. But you do e entually see them for the pathetic creatures that they are, and in some situations at least, fear is replaced by boredom at their games.
There will be situations which trigger you and hurt you, where you think you are going mad and imagining things, but all you need to do is reach out to those who understand- like on this forum, or women who have been through it and who can offer you validation, support and practical advice. As you did, when you were triggered by his game in trying to join your hobby/ group.
They do become s,sleet and mire pathetic in your mind, as the power shifts. Time and general lack of contact zaps their power over you.
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