Cry for help!

[Whatislove]

I haven’t been back on here for a few months. Basically I posted before explaining my marriage and the abuse. I managed to removed my husband from my home and instantly started divorce proceedings & went no contact. A family member did contact between us for the children. No contact went perfectly for a while, I spent lockdown getting stronger as a single mum, working from home, enjoying the peace & feeling myself again. I even started working out & feeling great. And then back he comes. Out of the blue. First calling with an apology. It totally blindsided me. Since then he’s amped up the pressure. Calling all the time, ignoring firm requests to stop, manipulating me into speaking with me, calling from random numbers, in the middle of the night, crying, raging, telling me it’ll be different if we try again (I’m paraphrasing for this site), telling me he NEEDS me, buying me gifts, turning up at my house, begging in front of the children. The whole enchilada. It’s totally bought me into the old mind f**k standstill. Iv already caught him out lying, he goes silent occasionally to make me miss him I think or feel on edge. My family are pressing me to call the police for harassment and as I write this I can see how black & white that is. But the years of institutional guilt he’s brainwashed me to feel for him is there. Doesn’t matter that he traumatised me, slept around, tortured me for years with emotional pain, fear, confusion. He’s hurting. That’s all he cares about & all I’m supposed to fix. How do I find the strength to finally stand up & get him out of my life for good? I’ve been to the police so many time’s in the past & always then pulled back out of not wanting to destroy his life. But he’s not going to stop. He’ll keep pushing, or he’ll use triangulation like before to ruin my self worth. I’m keeping strong. But it’s an ebb & flow of strength now. I miss my life during no contact. At least he respected it for a while & signed the divorce papers… Any advice greatly appreciated

[YellowBird]

Hi there, that sounds very tough. One of the things I’m noticing as a new member of this particular group of women is how our minds are so conditioned, some might say brainwashed, that our hearts can be so easily swayed, despite our brains showing us the truth.
I’m in the process of moving my abuser out but, wow, is my mind bouncing around, following my emotions. He knows exactly how to pull my strings, jerk my feelings around, push my buttons in exactly the way he needs. Yes, my abuser is also hurting, and thinks he can push my caring/guilt buttons to make him feel better. And sometimes he succeeds.
What I’ve taken to doing is either going onto this forum or reading up about n*********s, emotional manipulators & sociopaths. Every single day I make myself do this and it seems to help keep my head on straight. I can watch fairly unemotionally as he gives me sad puppy dog eyes or shock & disbelief when I stand my ground on moving him out.
He’s pulling your strings. Cut the cord and choose to act, think, feel & react differently. Read up on your abuser’s particular tactics, remind yourself of how well you’ve done so far, choose healthy behaviour even if your feelings protest!
I hope this helps. Stay strong, you can absolutely do it. I envy you having got the man out. I can’t wait to be in that position.

[Eggshells]

Hi whatislove. That’s an excellent post from YellowBird.

You’re right, it does seem black and white and yet, your ex has spent his time ensuring that you don’t see it like that so I understand why it is so hard for you to call the police.

If someone else had written that post, I wonder what your advice to them would be?

If your family are dealing with the childcare arrangements maybe you could change your SIM and get a new number. That would stop the phone calls at least.

The rest, I’m afraid is going to be up to you. He is clearly very confident that you won’t call the police, otherwise he’d probably stop.

I’m sure that you are not taken in by the apology but just incase you are, mine wrote me a letter apologising. He’s now convinced everyone that he did nothing wrong and I’ve gone mad. So I wonder what he was apologising for? It was just a tactic to get me back, it didn’t work so he’s not sorry any more.

[Soulsearcher18]

Hi, just wanted to add some support.
Great post from Yellowbird and from Eggshells in any way you can block the calls.
I agree with your family about contacting the police re harassment. Also worth checking in with your local domestic abuse support service if you aren’t already for on-going support:
https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/
I saw recently that children are to be recognised as victims of domestic abuse in their own right (can’t come soon enough), his behaviour will have an impact on them and is not acceptable.
Dealing with this through the appropriate channels should hopefully return some of the freedom and in turn the clarity that you felt during lockdown. He is a perpetrator and he needs to be dealt with as such- I’ve no patience for them.

Soulsearcher

[Lifebegins]

Hi Whatislove

I, like you, am feeling so much better going no contact even though it’s only been a short time.

My ex is on bail so cannot contact me. I wish it would go on for ever. I’m dreading hearing from the police in case they don’t charge him and it’s No Further Action. I know the police believe me but it may just be there isn’t enough evidence to prosecute. If they do prosecute I’m going to ask for a restraining order.

My plan if it is NFA is to immediately go for a non-molestation and an occupation order and I’ve discussed this with the police and my solicitor. Both think I should get them as the burden of proof is less in civil court. I understand the non-molestation order can have power of arrest attached (correct me if I’m wrong ladies) and I’m going to have no hesitation in contacting the police should he contact me again.

If you don’t want to contact police maybe speak to a solicitor about this? There are also some organisations that have been mentioned on here (sorry can’t remember which ones) that I’ve been told can be cheaper than solicitor.

I am so inspired hearing how well you’ve done after getting out so don’t give up now. After all we’ve lived through we deserve some peace and happiness x*x

[ultimatelyStrong]

It’ll probably be a case of ripping off the plaster. You won’t want to do it and it’ll hurt but it needs to be done and the pain will be momentary.

You deserve to be treated with respect, but what’s more, your children deserve to be cared for by someone who isn’t being abused and harassed to this extreme.

I’m not totally sure but a civil injunction could be an option, it doesn’t involve police. Have a chat with a solicitor, or call rights for women, they will have some good advice for you.

Unfortunately we all know these men will not stop until there are consequences for them ignoring our wishes. You take your power back and show him who’s the boss of YOUR life 💪🏻

[Whatislove]

Thank you everyone. I really appreciate everything you’ve said. I can’t really get my head around how this has happened after so many months of quiet. It’s brain confusion, like living my old life. He’s going completely crazy because I think he knows I’m serious about it being over. And I really am. But just can’t find the strength to a the b*tch I need to be. Or should be after the physical & mental tortures he’s put on me for years. I spoke to a friend of the family who’s a very senior police officer off the record. He told me to do three things; 1. Keep a diary of everything, 2. Report the harassment as they can only see its harassment if it’s reported over time- not one incident (so anyone reading this going through the same & doing nothing, start reporting it ASAP) & 3. Apply for a restraining order (with power of arrest if poss) through my solicitor.
I started the diary last night. One days worth of calls covered a whole page! It was shocking to see. I’m going to report it tomorrow (wish me luck with not pulling back on it). I really need some more resolve right now. Sucks we’re all such caring people that end up in these relationships as it makes it all the more harder to turn off our empathy.

[Whatislove]

Finally reporting everything to police after an incident last night. Shaking… Wish me luck. The brain fog is fighting the reality. 🙁

[iliketea]

Oh no, are you ok? Really hope so. It may be too late to reply anything useful to your original post but what I was about to say was I’ve been listening to two audio books over and over again, each day, just the chapters on the traits and what they do, and how it makes you feel. Healing from Hidden Abuse and the Covert Passive-Aggressive N********t. Both brilliant in re-reminding me. Im still in IT but can forget day to day what has happened the previous week even, or even the previous day. It seems to be a PTSD symptom maybe or just human nature, trying to survive, our brains switch off to it, or get enured to it. And rereading diaries, listening to recordings.
I hope you are ok. Sending you lots of strength xx

[Lifebegins]

Good Luck Whatislove. You can do this xx

[Whatislove]

Thank you all. So… I called to report it all. Police have been s**t & inconsistent. Basically almost sending someone out to my property whilst my kids were around & it wasn’t very safe. I had already asked them for a pre-arranged appointment at my parents! So upset! Thankfully they finally called first, told me they’d call back at a certain time & didnt. This is what I feared. I’ve been here before so many time’s. The last time I was a ‘priority’ they didn’t see me for two weeks. By then I pulled back.
And that is my current issue. Maybe someone can empathise. As soon as I report something I lose faith in their help & a really really strong emotion takes hold; anger at everyone, annoyance that they’re ‘relieved’ I’m doing this (yeah great! Try being in it with the pain, guilt & missed up emotions!), protect the abuser from what I’m doing, grief & sadness that I didn’t feel when I left/filed for divorce… Just this massive amount of anger that I’m having to do this & with everyone’s happiness/jokiness (to cheer me up), deep deep sadness & panic. Help! I didn’t think I’d be back to this again. I hate this! And they’re supposed to see me very soon

[iamme]

Hi Whatislove,

I hope you’re doing ok. The confusion and the messed up feelings are just a legacy of what they did to us and are still doing. I find the police useless sometimes. When my friend saw that my husband was following me, she was worried and called the police. When they arrived they asked me to phone my friend and they told her off for wording her call the way she did. She genuinely thought he was trying to attack me.

Clear your head and think about what you need to do to feel safe and what you want from the law to make you feel safe. Remember you have people around you who love and support you and you have the support of all the ladies here. You are strong and brave and an inspiration to your children and to others.

You’ve got this! Loadsa hugs for you x

[Anonymous]

You have to show the police that you are serious (detail removed by Moderator). They deal with this all the time. The man who beats his wife, she calls them out, they come out and try to take him into custody and she beats up on the officers and withdraws her complaint. I’m thinking, too, they may have alot of newbies on the beat right now as well so they might not be seasoned regarding many things.

In this climate with people on lockdown and so much domestic abuse going on, we need to give our police a bit of a break and bear with them somewhat. However, all that being said, once you have made the absolute decision that you are not going to waiver – now you’re going to have to be the barking dog with them. Regardless of the past, now you have to do whatever you need to do in order to get their attention. When you call, right off the bat, ask who you are talking to, first and last name, write it down, write down the date and time. If they don’t follow up with you, you call back and ask for their supervisor. They do know and are trained about the cycle of abuse so they know what’s what here.

Please do get a DV case worker that is all your own and you need to tell them everything here, especially about the police. I beg you to not just curl up in a ball and resign yourself to – this is just how it goes, etc. Because this is the thick of it. Life is a fight, always is. We can’t run and hide everytime something gets hot and heavy. Jump back into that fire and put up your mits. Show the world what real women do. If they don’t listen and do their job then we just make more noise until they do.

[Whatislove]

So I did it. Spoke to police honestly. They said I’m very high risk & wanted me to give a statement. I couldn’t at the time so they gave me protective equipment for my home, which I thought unnecessary. Unfortunately I was wrong and another incident happen resulting in his arrest. Since then things have moved quickly & I have had the most nightmarish time having to give statements, little sleep & a myriad of emotions. Thankfully I’ve had the best support! A friend is a police officer & was with me along the way to keep me logical. Now I just feel numb. How did you all cope when it all hit the fan? Did you just want it all to go away (hide under the covers)? Or did you feel empowered and strong? Was going through a statement of the whole story hard? Did you trust the process? Any advice, again, I’m grateful for.
WIL x

[Lisa]

Hi whatislove

Thank you for posting again. It took a lot of strength and courage to speak to the police so well done. I am glad to hear that you have the support you need right now.

Try to look after yourself as much as you can during this time, I hope you are able to catch up on your sleep and to get some rest. Your local service can also support you: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

Take care and keep posting to let us know how you are.

Lisa

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