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I can talk a LOT so it’s odd that I can’t find how to say this!
I really don’t think this qualifies as abuse as it’s not exactly a campaign of behaviour designed to keep me down…but it does.
Over a decade ago, there was a big change in our life which brought with it a lot of stress. Out of the blue my husband said something the crushed me (detail removed by moderator). This outburst set in an otherwise fantastic marriage was a huge upset, but of course, it was a one-off and we talked about it and moved on. But of course you know what comes next; a few weeks later, another outburst, and then another, and then another, and then it becomes a routine.
His behaviour would change out of nowhere; we’d be having a discussion about how he liked my t-shirt and it would very quickly move to “How many t-shirts do you own? Do you think it’s normal to own so many t-shirts? How much would you guess you’ve spent on t-shirts? Why do you need so many? How many do you have?” and it wouldn’t end until I’d gone to my wardrobe, crying with … I don’t know, rage, anxiety, hurt, and I’d bagged up 90% of my t-shirts to give to charity, in the hope that it would stop him keeping on at me. (It would then turn in to “Well, that’s your choice to get rid of them. I didn’t tell you to get rid of them”.)
There was also a time (detail removed by moderator); as it turned out, everything was fine (hooray!). But in the afternoon (detail removed by moderator) but his mood went on all day. I suggested we get a take away that evening (to celebrate; we’ve got a child and they don’t know what had happened so they just thought I was suggesting a bit of a treat). He was in such a mood he would hardly speak, and he said “You do what you want. I’m not hungry”. So to celebrate (detail removed by moderator), me and my child had a pizza from the corner shop, while I tried to jolly the evening along so our child wouldn’t notice the extent of his mood.
About (detail removed by moderator) ago he was put on medication for anxiety, and that’s helped; our child is also a teenager now and sees for themselves a lot of what goes on. That’s taken some of the pressure off me – although I still try to hide his moods from the teen, they’re not stupid, they see what happens. It just means I don’t have to try so hard with the “Daddy’s very tired. Let’s go and watch Peppa Pig!” type stuff. I think all these things combined have made a difference to his behaviour. He’s accepted that his behaviour was dreadful and he very much regrets it. We’ve been to marriage counselling a couple of times but didn’t continue with it, although I still go to the counsellor in the hope that she can help me.
(I do realise how stupid I sound when I say “he’s changed, and he says he’s sorry”. I do know that.)
I guess my first question is: does this count as abuse? In as much as: should I be here on this forum? I read some of the other posts and I see such terrible, terrible, things that happen; and by comparison, although my husband’s behaviour is certainly incredibly damaging and hurtful, I don’t know if it’s abuse.
So my first question is – should I be here?
Thanks in advance. I can’t believe I’ve put all this on the internet. This stuff has stayed with me for over a decade, and although I know this is all anonymous, I still feel very exposed putting it all out there. I’ve been hovering over the “submit” button for a long time!
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OK. Short answer is yes, what you have written is typical of abusers. It is a shock when you figure this out – how can somebody who says he loves me talk and treat me as though I am his mortal enemy? It can’t be abuse – and so we are sucked into the chaotic world of the emotional rollercoaster of an unhealthy relationship. When it’s good, it’s very, very good but when it’s horrid, the world collapses. My children used to say “daddy’s stressy” but now they’re grown up they simply choose not to see us very often. I used to think that staying in their rooms was just a teenager thing but I suspect it was because they would sooner be outside the drama arena. Remember though, anxiety is not a cause of abuse – the abuser causes abuse. No amount of medication will treat the underlying cause – thinking and beliefs. Sorry I cannot say all is wonderful and this is just a hiccup. Try to contact your local WA partner. Read all you can, learn the tactics so you can defend yourself without becoming an emotional wreck. Keep posting and take courage. Your gut suspicion is spot on. X*X
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Hi and yes you do belong here. Abuse is abuse and fir each and everyone of us, our abuse is significantly horrendous to us. Do not make light of what has been systematic verbal and emotional abuse. Many of us would rather we’d be physically hurt in order to show what he does. He’s a bully and a baby all at the same time. Having a scare of possible (detail removed by moderator) and throwing a strop and not being there for you, I’d say is a form of manipulation. He wasn’t the centre of attention in that instance and therefore made you feel confused and alone because he withdrew so you and your child ate together. A loving, caring husband would be so pleased you wernt ill, but that’s not who he is.
Once we see them for what they are, the more instances of their horrible behaviour to us becomes apparent.
(Detail removed by moderator) I allowed my oh to come between me and my children, listened when he whispered in my ear, that they’d leave me someday and that I’d be all alone, I deserved happiness, I did too much for them. I should never have listened, but I doubted my parenting skills, thought he was helping me make them better people, what a fool💔I too have done what you did with the clothes, threw loads out cos he’s went on and on and on. To be told why did you do that, I bought you most of those clothes, I’d have been as well throwing my money away! It’s never ending the childishness of it all, how it makes you question your sanity because what he’s doing is crazy making. Which is now a crime since the coercive act 2015 came into fore.
Men will only say they’ll change and they’re sorry when they realise they’ve pushed too far, that you’re this close to ending the relationship. The secret is watching them, saying nothing, don’t get into arguements, go grey rock(Google this). Have you spoken to your doctor about any of his behaviour and how is affecting you. It’s a back up for us so to speak. A professional opinion on the dynamics of our lives. Keep posting, keep reading our posts, it’s when there’s no real personal violence to us that’s how it’s so hard to believe we’re abused. And that word conjures up pictures of a battered wife, a drunken bully. I looked like a baglady in the first few months of realising my oh abuses me. for such a little word it has huge connotations.Take care
IWMB 💕💕 -
It’s the not knowing what’s next isn’t it? The fear factor, the walking on egg shells, the peace making and endlessly covering up for him. It’s exhausting! It is abuse and its not all that subtle. It is definitely coercive and controlling. The thing is you won’t ever change who he is and you can know until time passes if hus behaviour will escalate. It’s worth definitely getting advice from WA – it depends how you feel? Where do u see yourself as a family in a 2 years time. What I regret is wasting so much time on a man who did not treat me with respect. Disrespect breeds abuse xx 💕 💕
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Thank you so much. This is a lot of information, and very shocking. I always thought abuse was … more planned, more obvious. I’ve never looked for help before because I never considered it abuse. That’s still shocking to comprehend.
The comment about wishing for physical hurt really, really resonated with me. There are certainly times I’ve wished he’d do something physical so that I’d have a “real reason” and it would force me to act.
I’ve never (until the past few weeks) told any therapist (and I’ve been to LOTS, trying to find one that would give me some magic way to live happily in this environment) about his behaviour. I’ve said I’ve been stressed with work, and with my family moving away, and with my husband working long hours. But I never told anyone about his behaviour because I didn’t want anyone to think badly of him. And of course, I felt that if I told anyone, the only logical thing for them to suggest would be to leave him, which I didn’t plan to do.
Thank you so, so much for replying. It means an enormous amount to me. There’s a lot to process but it feels so good to have somewhere to come and talk. (I still feel a bit fraudulent, like it’s not “real” abuse). God, I can’t believe I belong here. It’s wonderful that here exists, but stunning to me that I’m here. It doesn’t seem to fit, if that makes sense.
Anyway. Thank you again. It’ll take some time to get straight in my head, but I’m so glad to have found people who understand. Thank you so, so much x
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Hi and welcome to the forum. I remember feeling very similar to you. So confused about whether it was abuse, but feeling so, so tired and sad and numb. I felt I had no capacity to feel joy at all for a long time. I felt like I was a fraud in a way, because, as you say, some ladies’ stories are so heartbreaking and horrific.
Children see and feel a lot more than we give them credit for, and I imagine your child possibly doesn’t say anything to protect you in a way, or because they don’t know how to bring the subject up.
Please be careful about letting him see you’ve woken up to him. Keep a record of his moods etc. to look back on if you start to doubt yourself.
Keep researching, reading and posting.
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I’ve been with my oh fir over 2 decades, it’s only became apparent that he abuses me in the past 2 years, because I no longer could ignore what he is. The initial weeks and months are the most exhausting, be kind to yourself. Sleep when you can, all I wanted was to sleep all day, hide from the world. I find it incredibly hard to go out the door at times, but when I speak to others, I do feel better. If you can’t eat healthily or exercise the way you did, don’t worry, it will eventually fit back into who you are. If toast and marmalade is all you can stomach, go for it. Take comfort wherever and in whatever way you can.
It’s accepting that this is ‘real abuse’, when there are others who are going so much worse. But by trivializing our abuse, it lets what they do become acceptable and that, is something we can never do. Abuse is abuse, no matter if it’s verbal or punching lumps out of you. We do what we do to survive until we can find the inner strength to leave them, get them out of our lives. WA can help, they can show just how these men work, how coercive they are, that’s become a crime since the coercion act of 2015.
It’s a lot to take in but we’re here everyday, you can pm anyone of us for more advice. It’s the safest place to talk, to vent, where we’re believed unconditionally. Take care, you see him fir what he is now.💜💜IWMB 💕💕
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You’re all so very kind! I don’t really know what to do with that. A fun side-effect of all this is that I cannot deal with any type of kindness, it makes me very overwhelmed. I really am very grateful to you all. I’m going to set up an email account, and email myself notes of what happens. I keep notes on my phone anyway, but I suddenly had a thought: what if one day my kid sees them on my phone? I keep a record because each time there’s a big “flare-up”, for want of a better phrase, he’ll say to me “(detail removed by moderator)?” and of course, when I’m in the middle of it, I can’t think straight. So I keep notes and actually have done, intermittently, for years. (I stop keeping notes because everything’s changed, and everything is great now, so I don’t need to keep notes. THERE’S a joke.) This time around I think I’ll really keep on with keeping the notes.
I also added to my note last night, a list of behaviours that I deem unacceptable. Because another thing he does is to say to me “(detail removed by moderator)“, and that in itself sounds logical. But what he does is have a tantrum, and says he’s not going, and then I beg and plead and tell him we’d really love for him to be there, and then I end up feeling like human garbage. (When I explain this to him of course, I get that glorious non-apology – “I’m sorry you feel that way”. I HATE that phrase.)
It’s still a really, really puzzling time for me. I confess that when I first came looking for help (initially I was looking for a forum for people whose husbands aren’t very nice, but are not actually abusive – it’s still mind-blowingly strange to find that I belong), I was going to ask: if someone really does seem to have legitimately changed their behaviour; if for the first time in over a decade they’ve said “(detail removed by moderator)“, does anyone have any advice on moving forward. Because in my mind, that’s where I’m currently at. And even as I say it, I know how pathetic and deluded it sounds – “He’s really changed. He really has. And I stayed so long in this marriage because I really believed that if I stuck it out, things would get better, and now, they seem to be”. I’m still as anxious and in pain as I ever was, and that’s what confusing me. I always thought that if he “became nice”, I’d magically relax. But I haven’t, not even a little bit. Because of course – in the past he’s said he’ll try not to hurt me (wow, what a beautiful lukewarm sentiment), and then I’ve let my guard down, and then when he turns again, it hurts even more.
Honestly, I don’t even know what I’m typing at this point! It feels ever so good to get it all outside of my head though. This place is amazing. I’ve been stuck inside this horrible, lonely, isolated place for so long that it feels like someone’s unlocked the cell door and I’ve run outside to find all my friends waiting. I feel moderately drunk on kindness!
Thank you so much x
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Wee quick note as I’m going out but will talk in length later.
I’m sorry you feel that way… that’s one of the phrases we are taught in order to confuse them too. Learn by what he says to you and use it right back. My oh accuses me of stealing his words, but you see what his saying does to you, do it to him. Anither good one is… that’s your opinion, followed by nothing, say no more, just walk away(if you can, they tend to stop you doing that too either by standing in your way or threatening telling you, don’t walk away from me.)
There are some great videos online, sounds like he’s been getting tips from them too.
IWMB 💕 -
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It is abuse, WW, dear – verbal and emotional, I’d say. Financial too, perhaps – only you would know. They often go together. Putting on his parts and being agonised when you spend on yourself is a cunning strategy, because of course it leaves you making the decision to deny yourself!
He sounds as if he’s in a cycle which puts you in the emotional tumble drier, of course. Why not keep a journal of his behaviour and moods (keep it somewhere safe!) where you describe and date what happens. You may well spot patterns. And don’t forget to log what you do and day in response. He’s doing this because it works for him in some way: you can probably figure out what rewards he’s getting. Do you back off and give him his way to keep the peace? Do you pick up his chores when he’s moody?
What if you stopped rewarding him?
Flower x
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Just looked back and realised he’s an attention-seeking coaxee. That’s my term for someone who loves to be coaxed, so they renege on prior arrangements to create emotional chaos in the family.
My F-in-law was one, the first I’d ever met – and I remember lots of anxious communications from future m-in-law centring on whether or not he would come to my wedding. I couldn’t really have cared less, honestly, so it was baffling. I realised later it was a tactic my oh had learned and later, one of my daughter’s showed the same behaviour.
The trick is not to care. Make the arrangement so you aren’t depending on him and when the will he/won’t he wobble begins, carry straight on. Get dolled up, take the car, go to the party, close the door on him with a cheery, ‘See you later!’ With the youngster, I used to explain that I was going regardless and at what time; if they were ready they could come, if not they could stay home (alone!) but that I wasn’t going to engage in lengthy discussion about their decision. It usually worked.
Turn off the attention and the behaviour shrivels and dies.
It’s not nice turning up alone to events you’ve been invited to as a couple, but you won’t be the only one. If people ask where he is, I just say, ‘Oh, he’s in one of his anti-social moods.’ I never tell white lies or make excuses for him.
The last time he tried it, I’d shelled out for a weekend away for HIS birthday treat; first class train tickets, exclusive hotel, entertainments, meals out, the lot, including (detail removed by moderator). Ten minutes before the taxi was due he got the hump and said he wasn’t going to bother coming.
‘Oh, alright, but I’m not going to miss out,’ I said, and carried on getting myself ready. Of course when the taxi came, he climbed in with me. I haven’t planned and funded any treats for him since, of course.
Withdraw the oxygen of your attention. Stop showing you care. If he accuses you of not caring, remind him you respect his decision and he’s an adult, so coaxing isn’t really appropriate behaviour from you.
It won’t cure the abuse – it will just pop up somewhere else – but there’s no need to reward bad behaviour AND spoil your own plans.
Flower x
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Oh Flower, you’re a woman after my own heart. It’s how they affect us that stops us enjoying the nights out, we should all just say, up yours I’m going and go. The amount of times id remove makeup in a rage because my ex would decide last minute he wasn’t going anywhere and my oh who also does it.
Ohhhh I’m so annoyed at myself for not seeing the game they both played. But I see it now, so Flower, thank you for enlightening me. 💜💜
IWMB 💕💕 -
Just wanted to put down my dealings of financial abuse. A marriage is of two halves, what’s mine yours and yours is mine. (That’s what we’re all told isn’t it)
Now my husband was and is generous to a fault. The first Christmas he gave me 100’s of pounds, it was our first Christmas, so I expected a bottle of perfume or gift set or something. He totally pulled the rug from under me with that gesture. He’s spent so much money on me over the years it’s actually criminal, but I’ve also recognised that he would spend silly money after a wee ‘flareup’. So that’s part of the financial abuse. The other…. signing up to home improvements, buying large pieces of furniture after talking it over, making sure we could afford repayments but always using my credit details for repayments with promises of giving me the money to pay Into my account nearer the time.
I always thought financial abuse was not giving you enough money to manage on, not allowing you credit cards(for your own good, because we both know how bad you are with money) wanting receipts fir everything, having to account for every penny. Complaining everytime you buy something, saying I thought you had no money or saying ehat did you get me, typical you only think of yourself, you’re so selfish. Yet when you do buy them something, it’s regarded with disdain, or flung on the for as if it means nothing, which it does.
So that’s my dealings of financial abuse. Does anyone else recognise this or have anything else to add?
Best wishes IWMB 💕💕 -
Like you IWMB I thought financial abuse was holding the purse strings and being plain mean. However, I deal with all financial stuff as he simply gets frustrated and angry because he does not have the patience to deal with bills, statements, insurance etc. Then every few months he demands a completed spreadsheet (I ask you) with income and expenditure on and then says I am so useless that he needs to take over. I give him the file with the bank statements in and say ‘OK off you go’. Then it all dies down and he wants me to deal with everything again. And away we go for the next few months until the outrage surfaces again and the spreadsheet is demanded. Makes my head spin. Never saw it as financial abuse though but I guess it sort of is. Oh, and the spreadsheet that he designed is pants anyway. As for going out my husband swings backwards and forwards over whether he will go places I’ve booked. (detail removed by moderator). Well, he says he won’t go and then he will, then he won’t, then he will. I’ve booked my car into the airport car park and I am going. It’ll be peaceful if he does not go but I know he will because his paranoia will prevail. He thinks we have nothing better to talk about than him. X*X
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