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Hi ladies
So I have had a few dates over the last couple of years. I have been using on-line dating. It has been an experience. A big plus is I have met some male friends. I have also detected (detail removed by moderator) on 4 occasions – 2 of which I met (and had my suspicions confirmed when I met them – it was obvious), and the other 2 I blocked, as again, it was obvious (love bombing, underhand compliments etc).I have had a couple of dates with a guy who wasn’t showing the same red flags. But now, I just can’t decide if he is extremely convert, and something about him doesn’t feel quite right. It’s hard to know if I am just overly sensitive. He has told me some things about his ex which sound like abuse (of him – mostly her jealousy and silent treatment), but maybe it is his smear campaign of her. He doesn’t come across as a strong empath.
any thoughts?
Lx
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Ummm… It kind of sounds like you are not that into him, for a start? You don’t have to date him just because you’re not sure if he is an abuser or not. That’s the first and key question, do you actually like him? Because if you don’t then the red flag thing is kind of moot.
If he is otherwise your dream man it would be worth analysing, and keeping your eye on things to see how they develop. But I am not getting a sense from your writing that he makes you happy, or fell good about yourself or that he is fun to be around.
If he is nice, and fun, and you like him then I guess you proceed with caution, and maintain really firm boundaries – nothing like a firm boundary to flush out abusive tendencies. And if you don’t then tell him politely that you don’t think you are a good match and that you don’t want to waste his time. Like as not you will get confirmation through that whether he is abusive or not from his reaction. And at the “couple of dates” stage it’s perfectly acceptable to take the safety precaution of breaking up via text, so you aren’t risking anything if he is abusive, or being unnecessarily cruel if he isn’t.
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If you are dating again after abuse, then you deserve a good man to be with. Obviously I cannot promise you that you will find one who truly deserves you, but don’t put up with anyone who doesn’t make your life significantly better. Keep hold of your self worth. You are a lovely person who deserves the best in life. And that includes men.
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This is exactly what my abuser told me about his ex, and I know for a fact he’s now said this to his new partner about me – it’s utter rubbish. I’d be wary as there is a possibilty these are projections. People only react from jealousy in youth or if they have no emotional intelligence. That said he could be telling the truth, thinking you need more information before investing in the relationship, maybe try to establish how he treats other people he knows and trust your gut if too many things start to feel a bit off; the older these mne get the more covert and better at lying they get, they learn from each relationship what to say and what to leave out x
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Thanks fizzylem
That’s really interesting. Sometimes just feels a bit off. He talks as though he is altruistic but and kind but at the same time flatters me, messages a lot and doesn’t feel like a hugely kind and empathic person. I feel I need someone with high empathy
I do wonder if he is a very covert type (as was my ex).
Lx -
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I had doubts like that about my abusive ex but I talked myself into dating him assuming I’d got him wrong. My gut was right all along. What I found really helpful was journaling it all out because it can get confusing going round your head, especially if they are an abuser and have already started gaslighting you which my ex had, he started before we even met and were just talking on a dating site.
Look out for gaslighting (things that don’t make any sense even though he insists they do) and words not matching actions. Always look at actions and ignore words.
Write it all down, meditate on it and go with your gut, that way you will figure it out.
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Thanks ladies
You’ve been so so helpful. Friends don’t get it – but you do.So, rightly or wrongly I have convinced myself that he is an abuser. My gut tells me I am right.
We are now no contact so it is done and dusted. I can’t believe how upset and disappointed I feel by this experience. It was only 2 dates and even though I wasn’t that into him I feel like a relationship has ended. I guess it must be the building up of hopes (even at a small level) and then the crashing down again. And that is what the love bombing is designed to do.I am noticing that while I am learning to trust my gut again (and also I am good at picking up on red flags at a conscious level), it is the abusive types who are the most interesting/fun/exciting to be with. It’s interesting that this is the case, despite all the work I have done on myself, how I have raised my self respect, how independent I am etc.
Lx
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I’m sorry to hear that Lightness and absolutely understand that feeling of deep upset despite it only being a few dates. I tend to get attached to them super quickly and it’s always painful. Have a look into love addiction, Pia Mellody has a book about it and Nu Mindframe has a good video explaining it on YouTube. I can relate to it a lot, it’s where you’re attracted repeatedly to emotionally unavailable men often because of how you were retreated by a caregiver. It results in these super intense euphoria inducing relationships that are toxic, always with unsuitable people, end fairly quickly and cause devastation. What happens is you are looking for an escape in the high of romance hence choosing suave casanova types rather than stable men for true intimacy. I’m not saying this is you but it’s definitely me so I wanted to share about it in case you can relate.
It’s definitely a red flag if he’s saying his ex was jealous after just a few dates. Because it’s not ideal to be negative about exes so early on and also because it could be indicating to you that he expects to be able to do what he likes. He might have been genuine but I think most decent men wouldn’t diss their ex on early dates even if she was abusive because it’s not the right time to share such private info.
Can you take yourself out on some solo dates this weekend, like a nice walk and a meal then a film with popcorn?
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Glad that you ended it with him. It didn’t sound like it was a relationship that was good for you, whether or not he was abusive, and I am glad you were brave enough to end it. Sorry it’s making you feel bad. Sunshine’s suggestion of taking yourself on a date this weekend is a good one. Look after yourself.
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