Dating advice – trusting my gut or self-sabotaging?

[orchid7]

Hi ladies, hoping for some dating advice. I have been out a fair while now. Am I ‘trusting my gut’ or just self-sabotaging every possible connection.

I have been on a few first dates now, and no second ones. It seems to be I will go on a first date, I am on the look out for red flags, and if anything remotely resembles a red flag I will shut it down and not see them again.

For example things I thought were red flags on one date were: charming, sociable, fun, mentioned lots of girls he’s been on dates with, said so and so can’t be a respectable girl, messaged me on another platform when I didn’t reply to a message on text, child like innocence, seems concerned with his image, I tried to call off a second date and he has asked again, one joke that was a little bit of an insult.

Are these red flags or am I associating his personality with my ex and then picking up on any little thing? But then I am worried that I will meet someone that has a different personality to my ex and I will think they are different and then I won’t notice any signs!

I am really trying to trust my gut, but am I just extremely suspicious and mistrustful after my past experience? I don’t want it to stop me from finding someone great one day, but I don’t want to be in the same situation again.

Thank you xx

[Wants To Help]

Hi Orchid7,

Well done for getting out there and dipping your toe in the pool of dating again. I’ve been where you are and for many years never got past date one for the same reasons.

Trusting your gut is the right thing to do here. Date One is all about meeting someone for a chat and thinking to yourself “Do I like this person enough to meet up with them again?” Date One is not about thinking if this person is going to be your next serious relationship. If there are things arising from Date One that makes you think this person is not on your wave length, doesn’t speak respectfully about other people, doesn’t give off the right vibes for you etc and you don’t feel you have enough in common or have got on well enough to want to meet up with them again then you don’t meet up with them again.

There is a book I often recommend on here called It’s Just A Date by Greg Behrendt and it tells you all about the ‘rules of dating’ but is written in a comical yet serious way. I call this my ‘dating bible’. I would strongly recommend you either buy or borrow this book if you are now seriously looking at dating again.

Setting healthy boundaries for ourselves in any relationship is very important. It seems like this guy has already breached your boundaries by contacting you and asking to see you again despite you telling him you don’t want to. That is a red flag. Sometimes we make the mistake of being flattered by someone who is persistent with us and take this as a sign that someone really likes us, but this shows more about their neediness and insecurity than their respect for our boundaries.

It seems to me like you are trusting your gut here, move on to the next guy for Date One and don’t go on Date Two with this one!

xx

[orchid7]

Hi Wants To Help, thank you for your response, that sounds like really good advice. Thank you for the book recommendation, I will definitely get a copy!!

One thing, do you think it matters that I quite like this person, we get on really well and I feel there is a spark/connection and we have things in common/want similar lifestyles? Or is this ‘spark’ just me being attracted to bad people again, who give off an exciting, playful charming aura. Thank you x*x

[Wants To Help]

A spark and a connection is not a bad thing at all, as long as we take our time and don’t rush in to something and then stay in it longer than we should when we use the ‘connection’ to overrule the negative traits.

One thing I learned recently was “don’t let someone’s attributes blind you from the value they bring to your life.”

I recently dated a great guy for some months whose attributes were that he was gorgeous, had a great job, had his own car and flat, didn’t have kids or pets (so no ties to anything and absolute freedom to date me), he didn’t smoke, didn’t do drugs, didn’t gamble – basically he ticked all my boxes of what I thought I wanted. We had a connection and chemistry, but in reality he didn’t bring any value to my life because he couldn’t show emotion or feelings and I started to feel very insecure and anxious. He couldn’t read my body language or facial expressions, he couldn’t pick up on any cues to comfort me. I had a bereavement when I was dating him and he never once asked how I was!! He could not meet my emotional needs at all so I ended it and was absolutely gutted to have to end it. However, if I didn’t end it then this would have led to what we know to be an ’emotionally abusive’ relationship. I should have ended the relationship sooner but I made allowances for his autism.

So this is where you now need to get savvy and be firm with your boundaries of what you can or can’t, will or won’t tolerate in a man when in the early stages of dating. Don’t overlook things now in the ‘hope’ that they will improve over time.

[orchid7]

Wow well done for cutting that off with him! That gives me motivation. I love that quote, I think that’s true. Using the connection to overrule the negative traits is the scenario here with me I think. No to a second date! Feels quite empowering saying no, although difficult. Thanks a million xx

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