Dating someone new – Red Flags

[Escapee123]

Hi All,

I started dating someone new and we have now been together for (removed by moderator) months, I feel there are red flags but signs of future abuse? probably not..
– He says he loves me, but can’t commit to saying we are in a relationship because of a bad break up he had
– We had a disagreement once, over text message and he called me a C word and told me I was “playing victim”
– He love bombs, but then things are still quite new?
– He was convicted of (removed by moderator) previously but insists he only (removed by moderator) and she overreacted
– He will often ignore texts and not answer calls sometimes for days at a time
– He has stood me up to go out with friends and ignored my calls all night, then said he had no responsibility to do so because we are not exclusive
– He sometimes points out flaws in a veiled way like saying he loves me the way I am but of course would prefer me if I lost weight, but doesn’t want me to change; or that the music I write is “(removed by moderator)” and suggests I should write something totally different
– He talks over me sometimes changing the conversation completely having not listened to what I was saying
– Talks about ex and the break up a lot
– told me he messages other women (removed by moderator) but insists nothing sexual (hmm) and is sketchy with his phone when I’m around, tilting it away from my view when reading messages etc.

He (removed by moderator) told me he is still not ready for a relationship but loves me and doesn’t want to lose me. He told me I could date other men and he’d always be there if things didn’t work out, adding later he would probably sleep with other women if I did so. Obviously it’s all very confusing.

I know I need to talk to him and say it’s not going to work, until he said that to me (removed by moderator) I went into the same old mindset that “this is special” and it’ll work because we fell in love etc. but each time I’m with him I’m thinking I don’t want to “be patient” and wait for him to be ready for a relationship anymore.

I’m just a big wuss when it comes to having these conversations after many years of abuse and always putting my feelings last, feels like I’m doing something wrong by saying no thanks, but I ignored all the red flags last time and ended up in such a bad situation for so long…

[Marmalade]

Hi Escapee123,
These aren’t red flags, they are red banners. This man is treating you with total disrespect. He is just saying enough nice things to you to keep you hanging on, hoping he will morph into a prince whilst he does what he likes with whom he likes.
Look at actions not words. Anyone can say they love someone. If he genuinely loved you he would want to be with you, not off with others and ignoring you. He has already called you names and tried to control and change things about you and this is before he even says he’s in a relationship.
The part about his conviction has been moderated but any conviction against a woman is a very bad sign. These men don’t change.
When we leave abusive relationships we are very vulnerable. We are so keen to find someone nice and kind but our low confidence and rock bottom self esteem mean we put up with bad behaviour.
You are worth so much more than this man. He is bringing you down and this will only get worse the longer you stay in the situation. As you said, you know you need to have the conversation to end it, so gather your courage and step away from this man before things get much worse.
Good luck. I’m so sorry you find yourself in this situation, but the good news is you can see what is happening this time and you have the opportunity to free yourself.

[Escapee123]

Hi, thanks for your reply.

It’s good to hear another perspective on it, as he keeps saying that because he has been honest with me and told me he can’t commit that all these things are ok.. but in my head I still deserve a b****y reply and respect.

I have tried to end it twice and he draws me back in saying he loves me etc. and that makes me feel good so I agree for coffee or what not and things fire up again, I just need to be honest and say I no longer want things to progress into a relationship.

I have been spending more time with another person who I met by chance, who is total opposite, platonically, but I feel we really have a connection and I would like to see what happens there. He is very caring and has a great deal of empathy and I’ve felt very much at ease and myself with this person since meeting him which I never quite felt with “red flag man”. This new person tells me to trust my intuition, which I know I’ve been ignoring. This is really what has put the red flags into perspective.

Really I think it is mainly physical attraction that kept me going back to “red flag man” as I find him very hard to resist but you know how it is after a while that starts to die down and infatuation fades so you focus more on actions and behaviour..

Thank you for this, all my family and friends have already said they feel I should not be dating him but at first I thought they were being over protective after what I went through, so an outsider viewpoint has really helped. 🙂

[driedflowers]

Hi Escapee123,

I agree with Marmalade that this guy is bad news.

We all know that it’s difficult to get a conviction, so getting one as the result of a misunderstanding seems highly unlikely. And he called you the C word, which I think on its own is a reason to leave; I’ve never met a man who used this in an argument and wasn’t deeply misogynistic.

Lots of people have open relationships or agreements but the boundaries are clear. In your case, he is saying no to a relationship and using this to do whatever he wants, in ways which are designed to mess with your head (deliberately imo).

It sounds like you are enjoying the physical part and this has bonded you to him. I would cut and run. If he loves you – and he is not acting in a loving way – then that’s tough luck, because he won’t commit to you and you want a commitment. He is treating you badly and then explaining himself by saying that he loves you and that his previous relationship was bad. This is a classic pairing of excuses for bad behaviour and treating someone like sh*t. If he was truly having emotional problems but loved you, he wouldn’t be going after other women at the same time.

Please leave him before you end up in a bad situation – he sounds like bad news.

I’m sorry

Sending hugs

[driedflowers]

Also: sometimes you won’t get a reply or respect from people, because they don’t know how to treat others well. The best way of teaching them is to walk away.

You don’t owe him an in-person break up. I would do it over text. You can even block his number if you like.

[Escapee123]

Hi,

Thank you for this. Yes I have text and told him I’ll be dating other people as it’s not working for me. His reply was a selfish one considering only his own feelings. He just wants to have his cake and eat it but even the physical side was getting difficult for me because of the red flags and what I went through previously.

I hope he accepts it and doesn’t keep trying to wind me back in!

[Author]

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