Desperate

[Sad sunflower]

Hello everyone, I posted on the forum almost (Detail removed by moderator) ago after I left my abusive fiancé. I took him back (Detail removed by moderator) months after I left him, I still don’t understand why. A few days after I took him back he punched me in the arm. He left but texted me a few hours later. I did not dump him this time. A good friend of mine advised me to call the police but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. He promised he would not hit me again but he did a few months later. My life with him has been hell since then. Still, every single time he talked about breaking up I just felt my world was falling apart. He would break up with me at least once every two weeks, and I would beg him to take me back. It makes me feel so stupid to think about it. Why would I want to be with someone who treated me so badly? He would call me names all the time. He would say I am an ignorant sl*t. About (Detail removed by moderator) ago, we went out with his friends and he got drunk. I drove him to my flat but while I was driving, I asked him not to fall asleep. It was late at night and I didn’t know that neighbourhood that well so I needed him to help him find our way to my flat. As soon as I opened my mouth, he started yelling at me. I asked him to calm down. He got even angrier. He hit me in the head twice while I was driving!!! I yelled back at him and told him to stop hitting me. Then he lost it. He wanted to get out of the car right in the middle of nowhere and I tried to stop him, I don’t know why. I am not sure if I was concerned about his physical safety or if I just didn’t want him to leave me again. So there I was, trying to drive at (Detail removed by moderator) in the morning in a dangerous place, trying to stop him from getting out of the car and trying to stop him from punching me. I feel SO GUILTY AND EMBARRASED for not having stopped the car and kicked him out! Anyway, we eventually got home and he went right to sleep. I couldn’t sleep at all. At (Detail removed by moderator) in the morning I was determined to call the police and went (Detail removed by moderator) to my parents’ flat to ask for help. They weren’t there so I felt like I lost all my strength and went back to my flat. I asked my fiancé if he remembered what he had done, he said yes. Just yes, no apology whatsoever. I felt so bad and all I could do was ask him to give me a hug. He did. I told him it was easier for me to pretend that didn’t happen and just move on with our lives. He agreed and promised that he would never hit me again, then he broke up with me again. I asked him not to leave me, I begged. God I am so embarrassed about all this. He said it was all my fault, he said he hated me for turning him into something he is not. All I could do was promise to change. He said I was the bad guy because I didn’t like the music he liked, and I didn’t treat him well (which I seriously think is not true). I promised to listen to the music he liked, to go out with him more, I even applied for a job in his hometown (we live in different towns) so I could be closer and work in our relationship. A (Detail removed by moderator) later I got the news that I got the job and called him to let him know. He was not happy at all. On the very day I was moving to his hometown (I have a flat there that I use during the weekend and my parents live there) he sent me an email breaking up with me. I called him and begged him not to leave me. He said he could talk later and asked me to come to his place. I drove (Detail removed by moderator) hours from my former town to his. I have no idea how I managed to drive as I was a crying mess. I got there and he said he had made up his mind and that he realized he didn’t love me. He said it was my fault he didn’t love anymore. He blamed me for moving abroad to do (Detail removed by moderator) (something that happened (Detail removed by moderator) years ago and I came back home (Detail removed by moderator) years ago) and he says that’s when he stopped loving me. As he was talking, I realized I didn’t love him anymore and just left. I felt so good afterwards. But today, (Detail removed by moderator) days later I was driving to my new job and just started crying, I couldn’t stop and I was stupid enough to text him. He didn’t text me back and now I am feeling miserable wondering what is wrong with me, how can I keep crawling back to my abuser? He has obviously moved on. Why can’t I? I seriously think something is very very damaged in me. I made an appointment with a counsellor for tomorrow.

[KIP.]

Hi, I’m glad you’re reaching out for help. Please make sure your counsellor is trained in domestic abuse. Meantime google trauma bonding. Please don’t feel embarrassed. I begged my ex to take me back and he did so but behind my back he married another woman, didn’t tell me and kept our relationship going until I found out (Detail removed by moderator) later. The shame is all his. But these men don’t feel shame. Block him on everything, delete any contact details you have and go zero contact. My ex used to make up rubbish that he said I’d done to provoke his behaviour. They are liars and hide behind their justifications which are fictional. It’s not too late to make a police statement, it might give you a sense of closure and prevent other women from being abused. He may already be known to the police. You can ask using Claire’s Law. Hang in there. It will get better x

[Freedomfighter]

Hi Sad Sunflower,
Please don’t feel embarrassed or ashamed, we’ve all been there. You suddenly take off the rose tinted glasses and see them for who and what they really are. It comes as a huge shock and makes us feel guilty and foolish for trusting them and believing their lies.
Google abuse and things will start to make more sense. Phone your local Women’s aid group, they were a huge help to me.
Like Kip says, it’s better if you can cut all ties and go no contact, while they are still able to contact us their poisonous lies keep us confused and doubting ourselves.
It’s very confusing and hard at first but gets easier as you get more information, start seeing the truth and believing in yourself.
I wish you luck with your journey. Keep posting and reading.
Hugs

[Author]

Posts