Desperately lonely

[Weemebreeze]

Hi Everyone,

Since I moved out from the house I shared with my abusive ex, I’ve been living with my mum. We get on so well and she means the world to me. As an adult I’ve struggled with losing my independence so have been pushing to get my own place again. I finally managed to afford it and got the keys to a new flat (detail removed by Moderator). You’d think I’d be over the moon as I’ve been pushing for this but instead my anxiety is through the roof. My heart is racing, im crying all the time and can’t relax. Ive been going back to visit mum and immediately im at ease. It’s like I’m a child again. This is so unlike me – before him I was so strong and didn’t mind living alone. Ive bought this flat and now I feel overwhelmed with doubt and regret. Im desperately lonely. I haven’t spoken out loud for 12 hours. I feel like I’ve made a huge mistake. I thought I was strong enough but im now doubting myself. I have barely any friends, no one has come to see me. I don’t know what to do. Any advice would be greatly appreciated x

[Bananaboat]

Hello lovely I’m sorry you’re feeling this. I know it’s scary but don’t forget you’ve been living in survival mode, on heightened alert so haven’t been able to relax for a long time. As lovely as I’m sure your mum is, you’ve probably not really relaxed there either as it’s not your space, perhaps feeling like a teenager. In your own place it’s yours, the silence can sometimes get to you but unlike before you have the power and choices to change that now – you can watch what you want, put some music on, go to bed early or you know what – just sit in the silence and feel it. Most of the time I’m currently finding the silence is really nice, it’s making me realise how bad things were and that I can now make plans for myself again. Going out for a walk helps, saying hello to ppl you see (although there’s always some who don’t engage or look at you like an alien, most smile or say something back).

Im also finding making decisions really hard and I ponder them for ages, even after I’ve finally decided, fear & doubt often kicks in and I wonder if you’re experiencing some of that here too. I remind myself that most decisions can be undone or fixed somehow so it’s ok. If you really hate the flat you have options, you could sell or you could rent it out for example. I also felt my house had to be ‘done’ when I first moved in and it scared me that I was failing somehow that it wasn’t perfect but that’s his voice lingering, that passed and I’m living surrounded by boxes and a to-do list happily now. Everything takes time.

I also use this forum, probably too much lol, but for now it’s really helping me not feel alone, we’re all here for you. Good luck and sorry for the essay. x*x

[Weemebreeze]

Hi Bananaboat,

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply – I really appreciate it! Gosh, you’ve really hit the nail on the head here. It’s so true – I was living like a teenager at mums. I fled to her after he attacked me and immediately I was like a child. I was so fragile and she basically had to nurse me back onto my feet again. I think I was in the flight mode and now I’ve got this space, a lot of what I experienced has come flooding back and taken me by surprise.

The other point you made is so accurate- I’ve been putting this huge pressure on myself to have the flat done perfectly. I’ve been off work this week to get it all ready and I’ve exhausted myself, I’ve barely stopped. It’s ridiculous. The thing is – I love the flat. It’s genuinely perfect for me. I’ll keep working on myself and try to ease into living alone. I think I need to go back to councilling as my anxiety is getting unbearable- it’s exhausting.

Thank you so much – it’s the loveliest feeling ever to speak to someone who understands and makes you feel less alone ❤️

[Bananaboat]

Glad I’ve helped, it really does help knowing we’re not the only ones on this crazy rollercoaster. There will be bad days but know they’ll pass, I love Stephen Fry’s description and remind myself emotions are like the weather and the sun always comes again. Enjoy building your home ❤️

[Mellow]

We are your friends here to chat when you need direct message me to talk not just about the abuse but anything

[Weemebreeze]

Thank you very much, Mellow! This means the world ❤️

[Weemebreeze]

Thank you so much, Beachhut. ❤️ The tears are rolling down my face reading this – I think mostly through relief that I’m not the only one who has felt this way. I can relate to everything that you’ve written and now feel a little less alone in the world. It will take time – I definitely need to ease off trying to make it perfect. Thank you again x

[Author]

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