Desperation

[nbumblebee]

My god I am desperate. Im so so so stupid. I was on social media saw an add for help with narc husbands got talking to someone who said they could help went on and then he asked for money to join a program it was thousands of pounds. I stopped!!!
Ive still been messaging my PT who isnt helpful as we have said b4.
Husband is being nice still but not wanting to go to counselling as he says he is ok now.
I feel like as ive have said b4 its all me now. I almost want him to bite so I can run. I am such a horrible person. I am driving myself to the point of insanity and I dont understand why. I have people who say they want to help but really they dont. I feel like everyone has just about had enough now. Its like put up or shut up or leave but ffs do something now cause im bored. Thats how it all feels. Yet I cant seem to be happy. I cant seem to want to be happy. I just wish I knew what the hell was wrong with me. Xxxxx

[Hereforhelp]

I want to send you a massive hug nbumblebee ❤️
I too feel that people have kinda given up on me now… it is a very lonely place. Please don’t feel bad or silly…there are so many scams and you spotted it… sickening that people use others traumas to get money!
I don’t have any advise, I just wanted to say it isn’t you or your fault.
❤️

[Better-days]

Big hugs nbumblebee as hard as it is please don’t blame yourself in any of this as people who have not suffered an emotional abusive relationship do not understand how hard it is, if I thought for a minute I could walk away without having to go through a war with him I would have done it years ago. Life I’m afraid hunni is not that simple for us and I understand how you’re feeling. Please be kind to yourself reach out to us as much as you need to we all get it x*x

[nbumblebee]

So i spent a while thinking how happier i would be on my own in a little flat I was so sure this was my way we went out with friends he went to the loo and his friend said you gotta work this out he knows its all him and he is trying hang in there. I blew i said im certain he has only told you half the story you have no idea and left it at that.
We then husband and I talked again we seem to talk alot since i said i was leaving and he said he felt better that he just had to get used to me changing and now he has he is happy for me. I told him that i was scared that he will go back and he said he wont. He wants to work at this.
Now what? What do I do? Ive listed here many times things he has done and said do you just forget forgive? Has anyone here ever done that? Can anyone ever do that?
I hate myself more than ever now as here is a man trying so hard to change and fight for our marriage and all I am thinking about is running as fast as I can.

[Twisted Sister]

Hi nbumblebee

You know, you don’t have to forgive or forget anything, especially not to salvage a relationship that hyas pushed you to points of seriously doubting your sanity and cuasing you such harm in every way. You are not responsible for this, and you can be hard and tell him it’s over if that’s what you want, as you are not responsible for him. He has made you responsible for him, but you are not his mother, not his carer, but a separate adult to him, and make your own decisions. We should never stay with someone because we feel guilty, or because we feel sorry for them. We should stay because it makes us feel good to be around this person, because we are happy around them, enjoy time with them, and pull together through the tough times, communicating and supporting each other, these are the every day things that matter. If isn’t what we have even if we love them, it makes us miserable, and is not working.

I think oftentimes people don’t know what to say to help and want to help, want you to be happy, even want you to leave, but they are not in the relationship and cannot make that move. You know how they feel even if they don’t keep on saying it, you have had support and those words given you to already, and it doesn’t take them away because you don’t still always hear them, they meant them I’m sure, and can see what he’s doing to you, as can you.

You have your dream, you can make it reality too, if that’s what you truly want. We’ll be here all we can, believe in yourself, you do have strength andyou are very capable but just remember he is not your responsibility, and whether he’s trying or not, that’s not your responsibility either, he’s chosen to do that, for now.

warmest wishes

ts

[nbumblebee]

Your words are always appreciated TS they really are. I know I have to find out what I really want. Its so hard one day I wanna run others I wanna fight I jist cant seem to know what I really want from my marriage. It was so easy whe he was nasty but now its just all too hard. Im going to try and use this calm time to gocas on muself get myself back up back to being someone i like someone i want to be maybe then i will be able to decode if I stay or go.
What do you think to that idea?

[Twisted Sister]

I’d say prioritising your needs is always a good call 😉 and I’m sure much needed.

[nbumblebee]

Thank you TS yesterday I felt like I could do this today not so much. Their moods affect ours i guess but Im certainly gonna try. Hope you are ok thanks for your time xx

[tiredofitall]

Hi, my own personal experience is that sometimes he would accept his part in the relationship not working but always he wasn’t able to maintain it for a long enough time because deep down he didn’t believe any of it was his fault.
I also knew that I had reached a point that even if he did change, I would never be able to trust him or be vulnerable with him, because of all the times that he had hurt me. I honestly felt that all the times I begged him to stop being so hurtful and that fell on deaf ears, like he didn’t care – I just couldn’t moved past that. He wanted us to go for couples counselling when he knew I’d made my mind up, but I absolutely knew that I didnt want to try.
Only you can know if its too late for you – if you’ve been hurt too many times. Its ok for you to feel that way if it is. You also need to feel that you can tell him how his behaviour has affected you and know he will listen because if the relationship has any chance of survival – he needs to own that. Do you think he will?

Its also ok if you feel like you have to give it one more try. It took me many many many years and lots of giving him chances to change before I was ready to believe I had tried everything I could. So when I did end it, I had no doubts and I didn’t feel like I hadn’t tried.
I hope that makes sense. Trust yourself, listen to yourself.
Sending hugs x

[nbumblebee]

He says he knows how he has been i tell him how nasty he was and he doesnt say anything i dont remind of actual thinhs as i fear he will denie it anyway and make me think i was wrong but he says he knows. It just has made me mad that now he is better as he says i should just forget it all. Move on with him. But its so hard to do that and i still live with constant fear that he can turn back.
But then this fills me with such guilt he is trying its been a month now. However there are still moods that silence when you know they are mad but now he wont say and its feels false. Seems like he cant win maybe now it is me and I need to either forgive or get out but how? How do I make that choice?

[Cloudy]

It still shocks me reading these messages, how similar these men all are. Like I’ve said before nbumblebee, I feel like we’re in a very similar situation right now.
I also feel so angry that he’s been nice for a few months now, but there are still the moments where the facade seems to fall.
Definitely take time to prioritise yourself whilst things are calm, that’s exactly what I’ve been trying to do! I unfortunately never kept a journal like other ladies on here have, but I have written out a list of things he’s done which I refer back to every so often to remind me of what he’s like. Also speaking with my local DA service has helped me so much. Personally, I don’t feel I will ever be able to trust him again, even if he genuinely has changed.
The decision has to be your own, but main thing is that you need to prioritise your own happiness! xx

[nbumblebee]

Thats the trouble I dont believe him I cant trust him and im not sure I even want to. Thats why this os so hard. You take care of you too sweetie stay safe x

[Chocolatebunnie]

So look at it like this maybe?

So this is the ‘new him’

1. Does it make you feel better?
2. Does it take away the pain
3. Do you trust him completely that this is the new him?
4. Are you truly happy?
5. Could you be happier
6. Is he actively trying to remain his new self, no moods, no making you feel bad in any way
7.is it good enough?
8. Could you be happier, do you imagine you could be?

I’m guessing eggshells are still what you’re experiencing and he is cleverly changing tactics. He’s not changed if he’s still silent and other things you mentioned he is just maintaining a little control in his behaviour.

He admits he has problems but he thinks they’ve magically disappeared, for a abusive man to change it take a lot of work if it is ever possible he would need therapy and the correct therapy but he has not sought this for himself.

Here for you keep posting

Hugs

CB X

[Chocolatebunnie]

Also can you move on from this and actually forgive and for get will he let you by really making a change?

Do you trust him?

If it hurts to much to do this and you have no faith or trust in his new self then keep moving forwards as you have anyway, don’t stop you’ve come a long way NB X

[nbumblebee]

Oh CB thank you.
Yours words mean alot. You are so right too you really are. I wish you could talk to yourself the way you have just done to me sweetie. 🥰

[Chocolatebunnie]

Thank you NB, I truly hope you find your way with this.

And yes I should take my own advice, so difficult to break the cycle, as you know on,y too well x

[Stargazing1]

I feel for you @bumblebee , I really do . I know where your coming from with everything you say . Sending GIGANTIC BIG HUGS TO YOU. One day things will be better for you . That day will come.

[Darknessallaround]

For an abusive man to change, it doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a LOT of work, a lifetime, and it will always be a work in progress. They have to be able to acknowledge and honestly accept the harm they have caused and truly want to change. Most abusers are simply either not capable of this, or don’t really want to do it.

Any abuser who says after a few days / weeks, or months even, that they are okay now, everything will be different and you should just forgive and forget, is either lying, deluded, or both.

[nbumblebee]

Thank you. Week (removed by moderator) of niceness now this has never happened so long before but I have never confronted him or said I was leaving before.
Its so hard to know whats going on. Thank you so much for your honest words xxxxx

[Cloudy]

I think I’m on Month (removed by moderator) at this point (although still getting the digs and calculated conversations), definitely never lasted this long before and definitely still don’t trust that he has changed. I have also never confronted him or said I was leaving before.
My support worker said we’ve been going around more of an abuse triangle (calm-tension-abuse) previously, skipping the ‘honeymoon’ phase, and maybe me confronting him as sent us into that ‘honeymoon’ phase as he’s scared he’s losing control and is changing tactics until he feels he has the control again x*x

[Author]

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