Did he rape me or is it in my head

[Confused-and-alone]

I have never been on here before but I am so confused. My husband has always been quite controlling and I have learnt over time not to argue and to just do as he says as I don’t want arguements especially around the children. He has also regularly continued to have sex with me when I have asked him to stop – in his defence I just give in after a while and pretend to enjoy it otherwise there will be another row.

(Detail removed by moderator) he locked us both in the bathroom while I was running a bath “to get some privacy” from the kids as they were playing in the next room. He then started touching me (I was getting undressed for the bath) and made it clear we were going to have sex. I said I didn’t want to but he carried on so I reluctantly gave in as I always do. What was different to normal was that he seemed in an aggressive mood and I was genuinely scared. He then used (detail removed by moderator) on me even though I physically tried to push him away he held my wrists and carried on. He also pushed me down to give him head and held my hands out of the way when I tried to use them to control how much of him I was taking in and forced himself really far down my throat. Afterwards he called me a dirty b***h and said that I loved it. When I have tried to bring up the fact that he hurt me he just keeps saying that he knows I loved it.

I’m really ashamed to be writing all this I just never thought this would happen to me. I feel like it’s my fault because I’m not forceful enough when I say no so he has developed a habit of ignoring me when I ask him to stop. I think I know that I want to leave but I don’t know if I’m ready.

[Falling Skys]

Hi

This is rape, as soon as you say no its rape.

I have been in the same position as you going along with it because it would be over quicker than putting up a fight.

The only way it will stop is if you leave, but its hard and he’s rob you of any confidence.

Don’t doubt your rights you are a good person and you deserve better.

FS

[brokenputty]

Yes, it really is rape. If you categorically said no, not even that, you didn’t consent in any way – then it’s rape.

Don’t ever doubt yourself and don’t stand for a controlling husband! That’s not love! I’ve learnt this myself unfortunately.

I hope you have a good support system around you – this won’t stop until you make it stop and you can only do that by leaving.

I’m sorry you’re going through this, I really am 🙁 xx

[maddog]

Definitely rape. You had no choice and nor did you have the freedom to choose. This is absolutely not your fault. Please speak to Rape Crisis or WA as soon as you can.

You will leave when you are ready and able. It has taken me a very, very long time to get this far.

[Confused-and-alone]

Thanks for the replies everyone I guess I knew the answer to my question I just needed to hear someone else say it. I have spent so long thinking the way he behaves is normal that I’m afraid no body would believe me or take it seriously.

I’m too ashamed to tell anyone I know – I used to be so strong and independent when I was younger but he has reduced me to not being able to make a basic decision on my own or trust my own judgement about anything.

In he past when I have said no to him he has physically pushed me out of bed and made me sleep on the sofa so I’ve just got used to going along with what he wants to do to avoid all the fighting. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about leaving and perhaps he has sensed as much which is why things have escalated a little.

I just feel like I’m going to ruin his life by taking me and the kids away and I feel guilty for thinking about it he’s a great dad and I’ll be wrecking the kids happy home as well as his.

[maddog]

No. You will ruin your life and your kids lives by staying. A rapist and good dad don’t go together ever. You really will find a way through. You’re already over the first hurdle and you will get through it. I recently reported an historic rape. It happened a generation ago. Because of that I am hopefully finally getting much needed help to recover from my husband’s revolting behaviour.

[iwillbeok]

Hi Confused-and-alone,

I am so sorry that you are going through this. My ex-husband sexually abused me as the final escalation to his controlling ways over the better part of 2 decades. It took me a while to call it rape – I still struggle sometimes with tgat word. There almost needs to be another term for being assaulted in this way by someone who is supposed to love you, cherish you and honour you (this goes for all partners, of course, not just those you’ve made those vows).

My ex even said at the time that he drew the line at rape but I was to do as I was told. Still I had to look clinically at the letter of the law to properly label it as rape.

Please call rape crisis, WA or see your GP. You don’t deserve this treatment. You deserve to ve safe and echoing what others say he is not a good dad if he treating you this way.

Xx iwillbeok

Edit: you are not alone. X

[maddog]

My husband too said he would not hurt me and that he would stop if I didn’t like it. It wasn’t like that. He moved my limbs around to where he wanted them to be. He told me to turn off the radio. He told me what to do. Often I lay in bed next to him while he was doing his bit, wondering what the hell I was doing there. Could I get up and leave? Could I say anything? It was nothing to do with me and I felt like a thing. There was certainly penetration involved when I could not have consented as I was woken up by it. Endless nudging and poking.

[I want to break free]

Yes it is rape. I agree with what others have said here. It is not your fault. You can never be responsible for another’s behaviour. When you are in the middle of abuse it can be really hard to see the truth and to see it for what it is….. its like half seeing it…. you doubt yourself. Even if you had not said No, what you have described is abusive. The fact that you feel that you cannot say no and want to keep the peace etc is a sign of cohesive control. It is not your fault abusers take time to grind us down.
I was never raped but, but I was treated like an object, I was degraded, etc this is so far from what a loving relationship should be. All of it. We deserve better. You deserve better. You deserve to be loved, honoured and respected. This man from what you describe is doing none of that. This is his problem not yours. Dont worry about your kids, making the right decision for you is the right decision for them. A man who behaves like this is likely to be unhealthy for your kids too.

Please do talk to Womens Aid or Rape Crisis and get advice. You deserve far better.

[Confused-and-alone]

So after reading these supportive comments I found the courage to confide in a friend about what happened. In a way I feel better for having been able to talk to someone instead of just having all this going round and round in my head. But at the same time I feel like I’m being disloyal to my husband talking about him like this behind his back and that now I’ve said these things out loud there is no going back and I’ve effectively ended our marriage by doing this.

It’s so hard to explain how I feel I want to leave but am afraid to take such a big step.

[iwillbeok]

That was so brave of you! The guilt you feel about going behind his back and talking about ‘his business’ is exactly how these men keep us in these situations – I was ‘trained’ not to say anything about him, even the good atuff. He painted himself as him being a very private person- but in reality it was to isolate me further.

I hope your friend was understanding and supportive. This is an amazing first step. Don’t underestimate the courage that took! People told me I was brave but I didn’t feel it at the time. Now I look back it took a lot of guts to stand up and say enough is enough!

Big hugs!
Xx iwillbeok

[Confused-and-alone]

Thank you so much for your support it did feel like a big step talking to someone. I haven’t rung WA yet as it’s so hard to find time when it’s safe as we live and work together and obviously I don’t want the children to hear me either.

My friend was fantastic although I don’t think she can understand why I don’t leave immediately. It’s hard to explain why I feel responsible for making sure he’s ok – there are times when he is nice and loving and I just feel like I can’t leave him when he’s being like that. Although there are also times when he’s horrid to be around and I don’t know how I can bear to stay another day.

I feel like I am taking baby steps in the right direction though. I’m trying to sort practical things. I have spoken to my mum as well although I have not told her about this incident I have told her I’m unhappy and she is ready to take me and the kids in at her house if and when I build up the courage to leave.

[maddog]

Well done! You are making great progress. I am making another video interview about an historic rape. I told my husband about it when we first met. Recently I asked him if he remembered what I’d said, and he replied, Oh isn’t that the man who tried to seduce you?
I am slowly remembering more of what actually happened all those years go. I know it was rape because I told my mum and I wouldn’t have told her that kind of thing. I have been questioning myself as to what actually happened, and now it is becoming far more real. I am not surprised that I managed to block it out. I had had lots of bad sex with unsuitable men, but never been laid into being told it’s what I want, and that it wasn’t something I hadn’t done before, and being physically in pain.

[enofadov]

Your situation is very unilateral to mine. I’ve had years of what I thought was just sex that made me feel uncomfortable because I was not very adventurous so I went along with it as I wanted him to love me.
It turned nasty this Christmas and I definitely said no but as I didn’t fight against it I worry I’m exaggerating.

I too have children and am struggling every minute with hurting them….I can’t believe I’m considering shattering their little lives. . I don’t know what to do?
My mum is supportive of me leaving but just seems to think we’re not getting on she doesn’t seem to get the severity? I’ve called women’s aid and am seeing a solicitor tomorrow but I’m not fully convinced about what I’m going to do yet.

It’s crazy aswhen I read your story I want to tell you that it’s wrong and you should leave for yourself and your children, it’s so much easier to see if from the outside. Hoping to hear positives things from you x*x

[Confused-and-alone]

Hi enofadov yes our stories do sound similar. It is so easy to read other peoples stories on here and think yes you should leave him but in reality it’s so hard to do for yourself! I too worry that I’m making a big deal about nothing and I’m definitely struggling with the word rape as i think I should have fought back more. But should we really have to physically fight off our husbands when we don’t want sex?!

I feel like I had a bit of a moment of clarity last night lying in bed wide awake wondering why the hell im putting up with being called stupid, r******d and useless (all things he regularly says to me).

Bit of advice my friend gave me when I confided in her was that now you have decided that you want to leave him every day you stay is a day wasted. I keep thinking about that and thinking I need to go soon.

[enofadov]

‘’Should we really have to fight our husbands off?’ No….this really hit home today when I was doubting this are wrong. And those words from your friend make so much sense.

What’s your next step? Do you have family support? X*x

[I want to break free]

congratulations confused and alone you have made a big step by telling someone else. I kept everything secret until very shortly before I left and I felt terribly disloyal talking about it. I also protected him from the police by not talking to them as I did not want to get him into any trouble. The marriage is over but dont have to be vindictive etc is what I was telling myself.
If I had my time again, I would tell the police. I can see now I have been out for a while how conditioned i was to keeping what was going on behind closed doors. “dont wash your dirty laundry in public” etc. Now I realise that this only benefited him. The fact that I did not speak out meant that people took me less seriously later.
You have done an amazing thing to tell another human being.
I remember when I was on the verge of leaving i went from thinking I was making a big deal out of nothing to thinking it was a big deal and back again hundreds of time. This is part of the process. You can see what is happening and you have moments of clarity and then denial kicks in and you tell yourself you are going mad, you are exaggerating etc. This is part of the conditioning. It is normal. Listen to your gut. what is it saying to you? Which way feels healthy and which way feels like a confusing mess?
Abuse is a cycle. He will be lovely one minute and horrible the next. That is part of the con. It is part of the control that keeps you there. You owe him nothing !!!! leave when he is being nice, leave when he is being horrible it makes no material difference. When you have been away for a bit you will see that. But please do get advice about how you leave and think about your safety.
You dont have to leave straight away, you can do it in your own time this is about you and your choices but do not stay out of any misplaced guilt. Take care of you.
I am glad I got advice before I left and was able to plan to do it safely. It takes huge courage to leave. I left because I thought if I dont do it now I might not ever get the courage to go. I always thought it would be a big thing that would be the final straw, in the end it was a tiny thing that was the straw that broke the camels back and not a big drama at all. I have never regretted my decision to leave. I doubted it for a while and I was afraid I might go back, but now years down the line I have no regrets at all.

[Shaz]

I want to break free, thank you for this: Listen to your gut. what is it saying to you? Which way feels healthy and which way feels like a confusing mess?
Abuse is a cycle.
This really hit home. I’ve been having a bit of a wobble recently, wondering if I have done the right thing in changing my life so dramatically. Your words took me back to when I was there. My gut constantly was telling me something just wasn’t right; that I was scared, walking on eggshells, frustrated, angry, nervous, whatever. There was always an unease of some description I couldn’t put my finger on. I guess this was it. This was my gut warning me something was just plain wrong… whatever it was, even if I was just downright unhappy, it was telling me. So thank you, he has been doing his utmost the past few weeks to get me back and this served as a reminder of what I would have gone back to.

[Confused-and-alone]

I totally get what you are saying about swinging between thinking I’m making a mountain out of a molehill and thinking this is not normal to be afraid of him like this. This morning he was so nice to me and saying he is worried that I seem to be so sad at the moment and I just thought am I making all this out to be way worse than it is maybe I should stay and work on things. But then it only lasts a few hours maybe a day or two and he’s back to telling me I’m stupid or lazy or whatever the insult of the day is.

I’m also get what you mean about listening to your gut. When I think about the future with him carrying on like it is I feel sick in the pit of my stomach but when I think about the future I want on my own with the kids I feel relief. I know what I need to do I just can’t seem to see a way to get it done!

[Confused-and-alone]

So this morning I woke up to having him pulling my pyjama pants down and trying to have sex. I said no please let me sleep. I’m already tired and I’m on my own with work and kids for the next week as he’s going away (Detail removed by moderator). He carried on. I couldn’t even be bothered to fight back or even to pretend I was interested I just lay there and refused to open my eyes until it was over. Having a really c****y day and wondering why I can’t make this stop.

[Author]

Posts