Did I see what I saw?

[jetjet1234]

Hello there I’m looking for advice. I escaped a very emotionally abusive cheating and n**********c man (timeframe removed by Moderator) years ago and stupidly got into a new relationship too soon. My new man on the surface seems very good and kind and generally what I feel treats me well.

 

I have always gotten along well with his ex partner and there’s never been any issues of insecurity. His ex and I would class as good friends.  At a recent (event detail removed by Moderator) we all attended. In the (event detail removed by Moderator) we had to stand up to let his ex walk past us to sit next to him and I’m 100% sure I saw him touch her bum in a cheeky manner. I went beserk shouted at him and stormed off. My gut instinct tells me I saw what I saw however he detests that I did not see this at all and it must be a misunderstanding .
we have argued non stop since he is protesting his innocence and I’m standing my ground that I saw what I saw. He has said that due to my past I may have overreacted. This has been causing me to doubt my own mind. I have never experienced anything like this before I’m not the jealous insecure type and as I said me and his ex got on great so even if I did ‘imagine ’ this it doesn’t make sense

 

could the abuse I experienced really make me see things that didn’t happen or is he gaslighting me

I don’t know 🙁 this isn’t who I am in anyway but I don’t know how to deal with this situation

thanks for reading

[Cherries]

I can’t answer with certainty…but I’m not a fan of the ‘due to your past you’re overreacting ‘ line. That smacks heavily of manipulation and is something my partner uses on me.

It may be innocent. It may not but if you were looking and actually saw this full on, not out of the corner of your eye I’d certainly be watching and evaluating behaviours moving forward.

Bear in mind my own mind struggles to set things straight because actions and words don’t match up with my own partners behaviour….I’d definitely be at least aware that it’s a possibility.

I don’t think past abuse can make you see things that are not there.  Why was he touching her bum in the first place. I get on with one of my exes and I’d get mad if he did that to me.

[Marmalade]

Hi jetjet1234

Take a deep breath. Coming out of abusive relationships make us very vulnerable .

There are a lot of possible interpretations of what you saw. It may be he was messing around and is now denying it because of your reaction. Or there may be more to it, If he was involved with her though would he really be likely to do something in front of you? Only you know what he is like. If he’s a tactile joker then his behaviour may be more expected than someone more reserved.

I can’t say what is happening here, but I do think you need to take a step back and think about the whole situation and your whole relationship. It is not healthy to be in a relationship that is constant arguing. Only you can decide if this is a deal breaker for you. If you continue with the relationship then as Cherries says keep an eye on things . At the end of the day you deserve to be happy so do what is best for you.

[Twisted Sister]

Hi jetjet1234

I believe you firstly.  You don’t say that there seemed to be a brief glancing touch, you state that you are 100% certain that you saw a very specific type of touch, ‘…in a cheeky manner’.  Would you have had any doubts if he hadn’t rejected your claims and told you it must have been a misunderstanding?  Did he use the word ‘misunderstanding’?  As it doesn’t fit right for me, as a way of speaking about the act you saw, and like he’s grasping at straws, not knowing how to deny his actions.

At the end of the day, how has it left you feeling about your life with him and what do you want to do about it?  Your mind can easily play tricks on you, piecing together things that you can think you have seen, but that’s often the result of having existing suspicions, and believing something is something it’s not, that he getting too close or reading feelings into his actions, but the background you give to this incident speaks of the opposite.  That you are very relaxed around his ex, have no such fears or worries about them and have in fact a very good relationship with his ex.  It sounds to me as if his action was a very particular one and not easy to ignore.  If you assume that you did see what you saw, and believe your gut feelings around this, where does this leave you?  It’s more, I would say, about how this is managed by you both, as the fallout around this will tell you about the health of your relationship, and if at the end of it all you feel you cannot trust him, I don’t know whether you would feel that you can move forward without trust.  If he owned up, took responsibility for his behaviour, held himself accountable, that might be something you could work with and make better decisions around?

It’s very shocking, unexpected and sudden, and I can understand your reaction, maybe when you are feeling calmer you can simply say that you know what you saw and want to know what his final words on it are, or leave him to respond in the face of your certainty in yourself and his actions, give him the option to open up and take accountability for his behaviour?

I completely understand why you would feel this way, and would urge you to trust yourself.  Gaslighting is incredibly harmful to you and needs seeing for what it is.

warmest wishes

ts

[jetjet1234]

I have now found out further information that he had an ex before me I never even knew about. He doesn’t know I know. But apparently he was controlling cheating lying etc he harassed her and stalked her also and the time I met him may possibly overlap with when I first got with him. I’m going to meet this ex in the next few days to hear her story.

he cheated on his ex with the ex who I saw him touch.

feeling very stupid right now trying to play smart and not let him know what I’m up to.

 

by my god did I pick another one 🙁

[EvenSerpentsShine]

Well done, on being right on it! I’m in awe. You have refused to be gaslit and have gone towards the problem and are tenacious in finding the truth.

Good luck with the meeting with his ex. I hope it sheds some light on things.

Dont let him know anything. Your instinct is right there.
It’s a shame you feel stupid because to me you are quite the opposite.

Play this close to your chest. Letting him know that you’re hurt will do nothing but stall you and make you vulnerable at this stage. Take your time. Hold your fire!

[EvenSerpentsShine]

Ps. I completely agree that initially you needed to stand back and consider that you could have been misreading this situation, but finding out about the past behaviour adds a different complexion on it completely.

Of course you should still keep an open mind, but more information could certainly help you to know how you feel about it.

[Author]

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