Did something stupid… Snapped

[NotYourMaid]

So very recently, I felt like I just couldn’t take it anymore. My husband had spent the entire night out drinking, he didn’t text me or tell, just came back the next day, worn out. He said he’s not having an affair, that he was just drinking. But I was so mad, he barely gave me enough money for food, but he can afford to spend the entire night out drinking?? I feel like this isn’t actually abuse, it’s more like, just a bad marriage…

But regardless, when he came home from work later, I just snapped. I felt like I just couldn’t take it anymore.

I told him that I hated him. I said a lot of mean things that I’ve been thinking about him for the past few months.

He didn’t say anything back.

He hasn’t talked to me since.

I know I should feel bad. I know I shouldn’t have said all those mean things, it’s like I’m being the abuser in that moment, and that’s not who I want to be.

But I am such a monster. I don’t actually feel bad. I think he’s horrible for all the times he’s made me cry and made me feel lonely. And now he knows that’s what I think.

I don’t have to pretend to love him anymore. Which is a major relief.

I’m scared though. He barely gave me enough money to buy food a few weeks ago, and that’s when he thought I loved him. Now that he knows that I hate him, I don’t know what he’ll do.

But that’s the weird thing. I feel like I don’t care anymore.

I think it’s just the adrenalin rush from having told him, or maybe I’m just not processing anything properly right now.

But I just don’t care anymore.

Every plan I have ever made since getting in a relationship with him, has been ruined. Everything I have tried to do has failed. So when I snapped, I feel like that snapped too.

I feel like I can’t plan anymore. Like I can’t escape. Like nothing matters.

It’s weird. Because at the same time, I think I feel happy? I don’t have to pretend to love him. And that’s such a huge relief. I’m not begging for scraps of love from him anymore. I feel free in that regard.

[BellaBella]

Hi Notyourmaid,

You’re not a monster, you’re feeling like one because you spoke your mind, often keeping quiet is the only power we have so when you break your quiet it feels like failure because then you’ve let on about the horrible impact they’ve had on you.

One of the things I learned in my first round of counselling a good few years ago now was that I’m allowed to be angry, I thought it was a bad thing because he was always angry and I didn’t want to be the same as him! The difference is how that anger manifests itself!

All plans being ruined sounds so familiar and such a horrible place to be. In a way there’s grief involved in realising that loving them is pointless but taking back control of your life is empowering albeit very difficult.

I hope you have someone professional to talk to, if not I’d suggest trying to, it can be really helpful in sorting out your feelings as you allow yourself to have them again and to put into perspective how you can move forward with your life.

Good luck and take good care 😊

[NotYourMaid]

Oh, thank you for saying that!

I just… I don’t want to be someone who hurts others. And I know that someone is hurt, has been hurt, that we can lash out and hurt others by accident, or for other reasons. And I don’t want to be like that. I worry that that’s what I’ve turned into, someone who hurts others, just because I’ve been so hurt, for so long…

He’s still angry, and won’t talk to me. I don’t blame him. If someone said all those horrible things to me, I’d be angry too. And I kind of want to extend the olive branch and try to make some peace with him, and ask for his point of view on the situation.

But… at the same time…

I don’t want to be hurt anymore.

I don’t to act like it’s ok that he makes me feel sad and lonely.

It’s not ok. He’s done that for years now, and I’m done forgiving him. Because I know that he isn’t going to change.

I can’t go therapy now, because I don’t have the money, but when I’m free of him, I really hope to go. I don’t want to hurt others by accident. And I don’t want to live with hurt either.

Thanks for responding, I need to hear from someone. Living in this type of situation is so stressful and confusing.

[NotYourMaid]

I just feel so wounded.

I don’t want to hurt him.

But I also don’t want to be hurt.

[EvenSerpentsShine]

Hi NotYourMaid. I agree with BellaBella’s comments, you’re not a monster for speaking out about how hurt you feel.
I don’t know if what I have to contribute here will be helpful at all to you, but I hope so! I was just reflecting on how my ex would have reacted if I had stayed out all night drinking without him. He would have ended the relationship. If he hadn’t actually ended it, he would have used this ‘outrage’ to prove, for years to come, what a monstrous person I was. It would have been absolute proof positive that I’d had an affair or been unfaithful at least and nothing I could have ever said would have changed his conviction about that.
For me, the thought that you should just be expected to accept this is completely out of order because I know how impossible it would have been for me to stay out all night drinking.

Now, I know that my husband was abusive and so I’m not imagining that I could compare your behaviour to his, but, even so, would your husband have accepted this if you’d done it? Could you have stayed out all night drinking and not bothered to let him know and got away with it?
I somehow doubt it.
I know people have different arrangements in relationships and I’m not trying to be prim, but I think it’s out of order.

 

[NotYourMaid]

@EvenSerpentsShine

Actually, when he first scared me, before I realized that I was in a financially abusive relationship, but when I had already realized that there was something deeply wrong with how he treated me, I did in fact, spend the night somewhere else.

I was scared, I was worried that he was going to hurt me in my sleep, so I spent the night in a hotel. But I wrote a note, and I left it where he could clearly see it, and in the note, I let him know that I was spending the night elsewhere, and that I was going to turn off my phone. And, I told him that it was because I was scared of him.

He was, of course, angry. He didn’t say anything when I came back. But he doesn’t have to. He knows that not talking to me and not looking at me, hurts me. Because years back, when he first started doing it, I kept asking him not to do it, and I explained that that really hurt me.

God, I was such an idiot to not see all these signs.

[EvenSerpentsShine]

Well it’s not at all the same. Running away and hiding because you’re scared – and staying out all night drinking and not even bothering to let you know. It’s not the same. In any way.

But, let’s not get bogged down in arguments about what’s ‘right and wrong’ because we kind of all know that that’s entering into their territory! Being tempted to go into that place where they want us. Don’t wrestle with pigs, you’ll both end up covered in s**t, but the pig will enjoy it. That territory.( I always feel sad when animals are used to describe nasty human traits, I never met an animal that was as nasty as my ex and I never will!). That is the territory where the gaslighting happens and the general mindf***ery.

I just wanted to say that I’m so sorry that you’re feeling so low at the moment. I totally get why. The situation you’re in is horrendous. It’s almost like he’s perfecting the art of what he can get away with. What he can do and still nobody will say anything. My heart goes out to you. I send you all my warm hugs. ❤️

[Author]

Posts