Did you ever ‘tell’ your ex-partner they were abusive?

[OnceWasLost]

I left a lengthy emotionally and financially abusive relationship a period of time ago – we share a child who is still a minor. The legal aspects are still ongoing, and there is still coercive control and post-separation abuse around the custody of our child. I occasionally want o ‘snap’ and tell him that I really left because of abuse – that wasn’t a safe option when I actually left – and that he really isn’t the victim in this situation. But I don’t know if that would actually help. Did any of you ever say to your abuser ‘I left because you are abusive’?

[Sad and alone]

I haven’t left, but have said to him that he’s abusive. But as he doesn’t see it as that it doesn’t mean anything. When he says nasty things he says he’s just being honest, or it’s reality. Or he’ll mock me about it and say look at everything he does for me and I’m saying that he’s a horrible person.

Tbh I would be safe in your own knowledge of the truth. Try and accept that he would never agree with your version of events or admit that he was in the wrong. I know it’s frustrating as you just want them to acknowledge how they’ve made you feel xx

[Anonymous]

I do have fantasies about telling my ex that he is abusive but I won’t do it for two reasons. First, he would never admit to it and he will turn it back on me. Exactly like Sad and Alone says, he’ll talk about all he did for me and that I am too sensitive and he was just being honest etc, etc.

The second reason is that I am No Contact with him and after many months, it is getting easier. So I don’t want to risk having any conversation with him. He would just pull me back in.

I know we long for closure or change or to tell our truth but I just don’t think it will change anything and it would leave me in a vulnerable position. A deafening silence is my response to him and I know what happened to me. I have no doubts that he is and always was abusive.

[EvenSerpentsShine]

I agree with all the above comments. It’s just a waste of time to say it as they won’t ever admit it or accept it, and it will more than likely just be turned around and used against you.

Also, what are you hoping to gain by saying it? It’s possible that you just want to have a dig at him, but I highly doubt that. It’s more likely that you hope you can tempt him into a meaningful conversation where you learn a bit about each other and things change. Or that you are offering him a valuable insight into himself and that he can use that to help him change into a ‘better’ person.
Either way, you’re hoping that he’s capable or wants to change.

He almost certainly neither wants to change, or is capable of doing it.

 

[InShock]

I think if you’re going to family court, you will be encouraged to disclose the abuse. Therefore you will be saying your ex is abusive. If you have a good solicitor they will guide you through.

Telling the individual willy-nilly probably won’t help but, from what I understand, holding them accountable by exposing their abuse in a formal/court setting should help manage any continuing abuse.. abuse thrives behind closed doors.

[OnceWasLost]

Thank you all.

I am just so tired of him constantly presenting himself as the victim and me as the cruel wife who left him. I know it wouldn’t do much, but I find it overwhelming at times. I wish I could go completely no-contact, but with child involved for some time yet, that isn’t a possibility. I long for the day when I just don’t have to deal with him anymore…

[NotYourMaid]

I also haven’t left, but I did tell him he’s abusive. I snapped some time ago, and told that he’s abusive. I didn’t say that he’s financially abusive, the small part of my brain that was still holding on to reason, managed to withhold that part. But I DID tell him that he’s emotionally abusive.

Later, it made me realize, that some small, hidden part of me still hoped that he would be like a normal, emotionally healthy person. That he would think about what I said, and go, oh, you’re right, I have been a horrible person and should totally change for the better!!! Like, that’s not what I was actually thinking when I told him, it was just a subconscious thought.

But if you tell him, it just makes things worse.

Whatever painful behavior you point out is abusive, he’ll just do more of it.

Because that’s what’s happening to me right now. Ever since I snapped, things have gotten so much worse. So, yeah, try not to snap.

[StrongLife]

After leaving and when I was safe I did.

[Firsttimedivorcee]

I did. And his response was ‘(quote removed by Moderator)’ I found it funny, he was physically and emotionally abusive. He has admitted it in the past, so now, I am the abuser??? I don’t think it will give you what you want. He won’t ever say yes I was. And in all reality, he’s probably going to be in denial himself anyway. X

[Eyeswideopen]

I think it’d fall on deaf ears… he won’t ever acknowledge that, mine often says I’m the abuser and selfish etc, and it’d only anger and trigger him more. I never said to mine. I’ve said he needs help, therapy, to mange his emotions better etc (which he also obviously ignores), but saying things to his face won’t do anything. He’ll deflect, gaslight and make it all.about me, he’s so good at doing this that I just can’t be bothered… 🙁

[BellaBella]

I agree with Eyeswideopen.

When I left I severed contact completely and left it to the police and the courts. Publicly by him I was painted as the abuser, the controller, stark raving mad, a druggie, an alcoholic etc while privately receiving messages of love and please come back, I need you.

When with him, he wholeheatedly admited to being a violent manipulative, coercive bully when it suited, mostly to garner my help, support and forgiveness for his ‘condition’, to keep me ‘onside’ and it worked for many, many years.

We have to listen very carefully as abusers will tell you everything you need to know if you really hear them and whatever information you share with them will be taken down twisted and used against you very effectively.

It may sound a bit bonkers but we inadvertantly give them ammunition to use against us, because we experince first hand the feelings that come with abuse, we give them the words, actions and ability to mirror being abused. In my case being mirrored, my likes, hopes dreams, fears, values, morals, the lot. and not knowing what that was lead me into the abusive relationship in the first place!

From personal experience, I don’t believe there is anything to be gained from sharing information with an abuser and everything to gain from maintaining your silence towards them wherever you can.

Take good care 🙂

 

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