Did you feel ‘ready’ to leave?

[gettingtired]

I’ve got another opportunity to leave whilst he’s away for a few days but I honestly don’t feel ready. Last time he went away was my first opportunity (since realising he’s abusive and that I need to leave). However, on the day I just crumpled and couldn’t leave. I sobbed and had a really emotionally draining day and couldn’t face it. Now is my second chance but I’m still not feeling it. Since my first attempt I’ve started therapy which is helping and I’m now taking anti-anxiety medication which I’m not sure has had a chance to take effect yet.
For some reason the thought of leaving all in one go freaks me out way too much. I feel like I want to start siphoning things back to where I’ll be moving before actually leaving. I also don’t feel ready for the aftermath. I don’t feel confident that I won’t get hoovered back in if I leave now. Am I just making excuses though? My therapist says I am and that I’ll never feel 100% ready to leave.

Has anyone else ever felt ready to leave? If not, how did you deal with it?
Thank you x

[KIP.]

I never felt ready to leave and just had to take a leap of faith. Last time was a step in the right direction. You have more support this time. I’d have hung around till he killed me I was so traumatised. I couldn’t do it myself.

[KIP.]

Your choices are removed in an abusive relationship so you need to lean on a support network. Have someone else remove you from that situation. WA. Police. Solicitor. Family. Friends. Court. If you burn enough bridges you won’t be able to cross back over and yes that’s a scary thought but you’re not in control just now x

[Anonymous]

Hi Gettingtired,

I regularly felt like I had enough and couldn’t deal with it anymore. But as far as leaving…I never felt ready. We had to have intervention to get my partner to move out. I even cried my eyes out the day he finally moved, wondering if maybe we could make it work. I’m not completely free because we have children together, but it’s so much better not living with him!
Best wishes! xx
Hoping for your freedom! x

[Grey Rock]

I never felt ready. I moved out the final time at a moment of crisis. I should have left before that but I kept hoping too. Saying that I could feel that crisis coming like the rumbling before an earthquake in the weeks leading up to it and had made ready with vital stuff stored secretly on my car boot and at work. We all keep waiting for the’right’ time but that’s not how things are likely to happen.

Carpe diem. Good luck.

GR

🙏🌈🕯️💪

[Blueskies3]

Hi,
Thank you for the above posts, I can relate to them. I’m still stuck, and I appreciate people saying there will never be a right time. I have been waiting for the right time for years. I hope I can find the courage to leave soon as you have done x

[ISOPeace]

This is an interesting thread, which I think shows that while our experiences of abuse are often very similar, our experiences of leaving can be very different.

I didn’t leave at a time of crisis, although the abuse had escalated. I agree that it will never feel like there is a right time to leave, but there will be a good enough time to leave. I think there were times that I felt fairly ready to leave, but then getting closer to the planned date, started finding ‘reasons’ for it to not be the right time. I didn’t go ahead with the first 2 planned dates. I don’t even remember why now, but the reasons were the scared part of me seeing them as a much bigger deal than they were.

When I did manage to leave, I managed to find the mindset that by far the most important thing was that I left (safely). I knew that leaving wasn’t risk free, but my wellbeing was taking a battering by staying. My life was effectively on hold because I was using all my resources to survive and build myself up from every time he crushed me. I knew the fearful part of me would find things to worry about and find reasons to not leave this time and that the fear would exaggerate how important those things really were. I think my therapist suggested this – I choose to do my best to assume that every new reason to not leave was actually the trauma bond trying to keep me safe (but actually not helping). I would remind myself that although it felt very real, it was not significant enough to stop me leaving. I was lucky enough to have help from family who supported me on this – I would ask them if they thought it was a big enough deal to stop me leaving. I think if it a bit like an alcoholic calling an AA sponsor when they want a drink. If you don’t have anyone on hand to do that, I’m sure this forum would be a great support.

So I definitely had lots of wobbles leading up to leaving. It was not the case that I felt 100% strong and ready. But I had managed to find the part of me that knew leaving was the right thing to do and I managed to choose to believe that part over the fearful part of me.

I don’t know how similar my experience is to others who left without being at crisis point. I expect different things work for different people, but I hope this helps for anyone reading it. xxxx

[iliketea]

ISO Peace – this was my experience too. Nothing major happened, was a drip drip drip. In the end safety was paramount as I could see the abuse was escalating. I had support from DA agency so my IDVA helped with the plan. Then an amazing woman on here, well all the amazing women on here helped actually, but one said “Plan as if you’re going on a holiday” – and “bang!” for me that really really helped and I was on my way, it took away the fear. Then I just focussed on planning methodically, for the necessities for us, clothes, what I needed to put elsewhere with friends, or a safety deposit, and it also made it feel less of a betrayal, and more of an adventure. Like all these things, reframing really does help. I ordered some different colour nail varnish like I would if I was going on a beach holiday! And that gave me something to concentrate on that first night, and day after. Then a nice edible treat each for me and the kids for the first night. I even bought a magazines for us like we were going to the beach.
Not sure if this helps. I’ll bump a post that I started last year, asking the same question as you. I found I was waiting for something terrible to happen, something worse than had already happened, to give me permission to leave.
Its asking what is your Red Line I think, something like that, I’ll bump now. In your own time, that’s all you can do, you’ll know when the time is right, something will click. xx

[Secretlife]

I have found this post and the responses really interesting. I have been so close to leaving several time but seem unable to make that final leap. I have now set myself a deadline, which coincides with a big birthday and in the meantime I am working hard emotionally to detach myself from him. I feel to a degree it’s going well, I feel very different about our relationship. It’s helping me have a date to work towards. Whether or not when that date comes I shall be able to leave remains to be seen.

[Blueskies3]

I’ve previously gone as far as renting and furnishing a flat , but still haven’t left – what a waste of money and effort ! I’ve also set deadlines and they’ve come and gone, but hopefully I’ll do it soon as he won’t change, I’m still unhappy. I just wish he would be horrible ALL the time, then it would be much easier to go.

[Eggshells]

I did feel ready but I realise this is rare.

I planned everything, moved things out without him noticing and stockpiled groceries, cleaning products and personal care products. It was all part of my mental prep.

However, I did kind of leave in crisis in the end because living with him had become unbearable as he rotated through the abuse cycle several times a day. I actually left sooner than planned. It hasn’t been easy but I have never regretted leaving and had no feelings of wanting to go back.

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